Sea change

Whoa.

Neat experiment

So, I had this thought today. You all, dear loyal readers, know how much I loathe the brain dead times, the steps back that render me disoriented, indecisive, irritable, and feeling like a victim?. How they scare me and I feel worthless and ashamed etc? Well, Recently, this weekend, when one descended, I tried positively regarding myself during the episode, and in gneral just focusing on what I was doing right. And today? Well, I did the unthinkable. I intentionally let a spell come over me, by not eating protein within a three hour window, and then I just dug it. I called people, and worked and just focused on how much I can get done and that the stuff I cant is really not a big deal. Nowhere near the big deal to others as to me.

It was eye opening. The severity was less and it turns out I can contribute and feel good while they are on. Its a baby step, but I thought I would at least report the courage, if not the outcome, of the experiment.

hey now.

Sunsets and PCPs

Hooray for sunsets. I am watching the sun set over the hills over Palo Alto right now. Its really special.

A new doctor joined the team today. I got a PCP. Took me a while to find one that was both accepting patients and who I liked. We will call her Dr. W. Today she did my intake. We skipped the physical because we got caught up talking about the illness. She was sympathetic, which was nice, at least a nice sign from a professional. She asked about the PTC and admitted she was out of her depth. Anyway, she should be a good resource. She recommended a psychiatrist in addition to my psychologist. Someone who specializes in mental illness. She said that the stresses of mental illness can be particular. I think I disagree, at least at this stage in my wellness. Yes, I experience some weird symptoms, but honestly, everyone feels off some times, and even pain, like happiness, is made up of basic building blacks. Hurt, exhaustion, loneliness, isolation, depression, fear... I think everyone can relate. Ill go. I dont think drugs are the answer at this point, but who am I not to listen?

Also, I do note that stress shortens the wellness window between brain fogs. But not as much as it once did. Not only that but I am just calming down and working through them now. I got compliments on some of the work I did today in the office. And some of it I did in a brain fog. Helps to just let go of the fear and do what needs to be done.

Flipping it.

Readers here know that I am fond of the realization that psychosomatic means the effect of the mind on the body AND the body on the mind. Often, I urge people not to think of them as seperate. In fact, my early position on psychological treatment of this illness was shaded by the therapists not taking into account whether something physical was driving the neuroses, instead of the other way around.

So, it was, therefore, a humbling thought experiential I ran the other day.

What if there was a time when I wanted to avoid what I was seeing? I wanted to create a shell of a person, who could deal with the world, while I could hide safely away inside not disappointing people, never failing, always with an excuse, seeing the world as mean and me as the victim, never wrong, always wronged. How would I do that?

Well, the first thing first, is that I would see everything as a threat. A challenge to me. I would see eyes watching me everywhere, people judging me, everyone aware of what I was doing and ready to make criticisms. In short, I would develop paranoia.

And what would you do if you needed to be the best at everything? Well, since thats impossible and even a sick need, the answer is simple...you sideline yourself. In sports, you fake an injury, or play one up. To sideline yourself from life- you develop pains that no one else understood, with a disease that no one could find. If I was sick, then how could I be expected to meet other peoples expectations? They did not understand me, how could they? I wasn't able to find out how normal I was, because I was stricken down. Oh people, but if I could, I would be kind of the world. Just you WAIT until I am not sick any more. Or some such rot. A

It also makes you special: I was going through something unique that made me a greater martyr than them all. I would fantasize about taking my own life. Interestingly, this was my response to being ill.

I would avoid things. When something uncomfortable came up, a challenge, a chance to see if I was really as smart and talented as told myself I was, as others told me I was, I would avoid it. I would dodge it and move to something else where the steep learning curve would give me immediate validation, immediate gratification, and I would never have to get to the place where I was competing with experts. I would jump from thing to thing, and disappear over and over. In short, I would develop a driving need for novelty a physical pain when I stayed with a task. Therefore, I would never have to try and fail.

And I would avoid things in my own head too. I would let my mind race and race and race, and, God forbid, it slows for a little bit, I would keep my body on edge like a caffeine addict, running from activity to activity. I would be hyperactive.

I would be the center of the universe. I would eliminate other people from my horizon by drowning them out with emotions. Huge walls of uncontrollable (or uncontrolled emotions). I would beat them up with them, and then run when they were hurt. I would tell myself that I was overly sensitive and that this was ok. All the while, keeping everyone at bay.

I would grow increasingly isolated from people. I would develop phobias and panic attacks to justify my isolation.

Well, I dont think this is the complete story either, but I think its part of the story. Neither mind, nor body, are, for me, completely responsible.

They are reconciling now. Feeding off each other in what was a negative, but now a positive, feedback loop.

Just a thought. A humbling omission I have been avoiding for years. Go figure.

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Of course, it works the other way. I become increasingly more paranoid due to waht is going through my system and I start avoiding people, and seeing threats everywhere. My mind accelerates with nor epinephrine and I cannot stop thinking and jumping from task to task. My dopamine increases and I need, chemically, novelty- I am addicted to the high like an opium junkie or a heroin addict. Sucha drug.

So, there is that too. And honestly, I dont know which way to think about it. One begs me to address underlying personal issues, the other, to ignore it and work over it. Right?

absence

Hey sorry all, I am going to be away from this for a few days. Having some other issues that came up.

poems/writting

I used to write poems about dying, or being sick, alone or lost. Now, I am starting, for the first time, to write poems about living. They are scarier to write, like it is scarier to live that to give in to death. In writing poetry about my illness I could be secure that as long as it communicated enough desolation, it would be respected and no one would criticize it. Living is about opening yourself to criticism and to the inevitable realization that you are not perfect, nor a victim, but responsible for your own decisions and forseeable outcomes.

Interestingly, G's husband, a psychiatrist, says that when the mentally ill recover, they are treated for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I like Shell Shock better, but the point is that being mentally ill is like living under the sword of Demosthenes for years. Never knowing what will happen to you, whether you will live or die. But hey, for the mentally ill, it just starts there.

I feel like we should have a big party. All the catatonics would be drinking heavily, all the paranoids would be talking excessively, no one would understand the hebephrenics, drunk or sober. And best of all, no one would have to worry about being judged. Ill send the evites and bring my swimsuit.

Anyway, the point of this post is to remind you that remission is a long way from healthy. Its a starting place. And from there on out, its up to you. Congratulations. You have earned it.



(BTW Demosthenes is in the spell check).

And the day after

Today was a perfectly perfect day. Clear head. The fog and turmoil of yesterday cleared in the night. I could feel it. It woke me. So today was rock solid. I went surfing and worked on a book, went out with friends in the mission, laughed, took a walk in Golden Gate park and just, in general, did a lot of thinking about my life and occasional positive reinforcement of how I handled yesterday.

I also am realizing the impact of stress. Late last night, in the midst of the muddy headed ness, I wondered if I could induce a depression from the mud, just be feeling sorry for myself. I did not go all the way with the experiment, but its affects were profound enough to answer in the affirmative. Being angry and feeling vulnerable can worsen the mood associated with the fog. And those are the thoughts that generally accompany the fogs- the feeling of helplessness, and particular precariousness, that no one can love or protect you at that time. Being weak and feeling exposed and needy, yet not having the belief that others that you need will be there. It seems silly in the light, but in the darkness, it makes me want to disappear. And disappear I did for many years.

So, now my approach is thinking positive thoughts, and even celebrating the personality that I have when foggy. quiet tired and kind of stoned. I mean, hey, why fight it?

I really cannot say why I fogged yesterday while today was clear. Same pills, same sleep, same food, even the same jeans. I just dont know. But sometimes knowing why is not so important. You choose a strategy and stick with it.

today

It was not a bad day. still, when I get muddy, when it starts going bad in the head, I have this nasty habit of pulling up the drawbridge. It seems a perfectly rational response to a rough situation. I get tired, thinking is cloudy and confused. I am disoriented and cannot think things through. So, I get defensive, and though I worked with my client today, it was the only human conversation I had. Its lonely too.

The current approach is breaking that pattern. Getting out there means overcoming the physical call to rest and hide. This I have already been practicing with. but also believing that I can be of interest and value to others then, and that they can be of comfort to me. Well see how that goes. We have gotten tot he stage of accepting the illness and working with it, while we work through it. I think thats big. Its still hard, but it results in less self abuse.

Ok, another installment of TMI concluded. Thanks for all your continued support.

One of those days

Another mental flat tire. Cannot say what precipitated this one. I tied to battle through it, but its a toughy. oh well. Hopefully well get tomorrow. I have some movies and have had a good run of well being lately. Ill just take this one in stride.

Memories

I just e-mailed with my old mentor in Boston at my firm. It was a great email response I received in return (is that redundant?), and I was left thinking of good memories. Interesting how the mind hides the ball a bit from you, because all of a sudden I recalled how I used to sit with her in her office, then return to mine, and quietly enjoy a panic attack for an hour or so. AN migraines with all the fireworks. Sometimes by dinner I felt better.

This was not just H, this was everyone I met. Everyone. K, the associate next door, my basketball buddies, B my law school friend, J, my best friend in the VA years. Everyone. Over time, the response would fade, but for some reason, every new encounter resulted in a banging head ache, shortness of breath hyperventilation, and a system shut down. What a ridiculous conundrum, feeling lonely, yet being struck down every time i spent time with people.

Man, have we ever come a long way.

There were, of course, a handful of personalities which did not result in that response. I dont know what the common thread was, but looking back, it tended to be nurturers and people who were so wrapped up in themselves that they never bothered thinking of me. It was like being alone. But those were lonely and rough times, and as I come on my 5 year othomolecular treatment anniversary, I am reminded of how far I have come.

PTC visit

Or rather, the PTC visited me this time.

I had my intake this morning. Urine, blood, measurements. Went over pills and my symptoms and my priorities in treatment. As always, wanted much more of their time.

Its been 2 years since my last visit. More. I looked at my prescription and realized I had really drifted. I dd not recall that I had been prescribed acetyl L carnitine. Of course, its recommended for blood glucose and insulin disturbances. ok, so that was dumb to have forgotten.

I learned that B-12 is not jsut to prevent deficiencies, but also to neutralize methyl groups. This is why we are presecribed Cyanocobalamin, and not methylcynocobalamin [SP]. It uses methyl groups before it passes the blood brain barrier.

I am taking WAY more zinc than recommended. I realized I was supposed to be down to 60 mg a day.

I am taking way too much Folate, but this I knew. They talked to me about down regulation, and apparently, when I reduce the dos,e I will crash. yea crashing. Still, gotta get done.

I need to take more vitamin C. Hard, that one makes me really edgy.

I told the doc- you want to imagine how I feel? pour yourself 6 cups of coffee and drink them. Wait 30 minutes. Thats how I feel every moment of every day. Especially right before bed. Except when the depression is in.

I love how they dont treat you like you are crazy. No one immediately throws up thier hands and recommends you see a shrink. Now, psychs are great ideas, but to me, thats a doctor copping out. They can recommend you see a psych, but I feel that they have an obligation to look at other causes. So many doctors seem ot see me fall off thier flow chart, and the catch all "See a pscyh" kicks in. At the PTC, they will say, hmmm, I dont know. ANd look into it. And acknowledge that there are some things that are what they are and that you will have to deal with them, perhaps with a psych, but they dont throw up thier hands and give up on you so fast.

The nurse, G, he was pretty good. He and I had an interesting conversation at the end. He told of a time when he was working in a psych ward in Chicago. He said one woman's condition was almost completely resolved when she moved to SF. It was a question of finding an environment that reflects your reality. Then you dont feel so crazy.

I thought about this. There are definitely some people around whom I feel more crazy. They are people, perhaps, whose cultural assumptions and approaches to life are so at odds with mine that I feel that I must be deficient. What is that quote, "I thought they were crazy, but I got outvoted." And places too. I wonder if SF is so soothing because it respects a life way more closely approximating my manic rip through life. Rule cultures really make me feel nuts. Of course, I AM nuts, but thats besides the point. Anyway, interesting point from G.

Also from G, apparently some parents are finding that a nicotine path resolves their childrens's ADD better than anything else. I have commented before aboutt he soothing calming effect of tobacco. Interesting approach. I dont know that I will give it a go, but its in the idea locker. For now, the occasional cigar is a wonderful drug.

Well, thats it until I get the results and the phone consult. That and that I am 1400 lighter in the pocket. Good thing too, all that extra cash was dragging me down

6000

This blog had its 6000th read today. This absolutely overwhelms me. I am blown away by it. Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you for your interest, and for your support. Since I started writing this, I have felt undeniably, less lonely. I have felt less crazy. I have felt more loved and part f something. You all have helped me through this, just by staying tuned. Thank you.

A day without pills

Its been, now, 15 hours since my last pill ingestion. And its going to be many more until I take them again. It feels wonderful, but besides that, its a good excuse to review pills in general.

Observation: I dont need much water. I drink around 5 to 6 liters of water daily. I have noticed before and notice today, that that amount is probably halved if not thirded when I do not take any pills. I blame, primarily, the niacinamide, which dehydrates through a mechanism of local swelling. I think the vitmain B complex alrso requires a lot of water or else I get naseaous.

Other observations. Today is probaly the clearest I have felt to date. Not only that, but the past two, two and a half weks, have seen my health improve a lot. There were two crashes in that time, but, for the most part, pretty good stuff. I wonder if the ALA is helping, or if its just a natural swing. I am just observing, mind you, and riding the wave.

Observation: I am begrudgingly admitting that stress plays a major part in the symptomology. I have not seen, until recently, a relationship between stress and depression, but I am hypothesizing one now. I have executed a symptom data entry system to code and track stressors and symptoms. I think we will see some correlations.

Interesting: I have been waking up, lately, with only 7-7.5 hours sleep. I regularly need 8.25. This is an interesting new experience. Often I sleep less and have more insomnia when I am tired. Its a crappy catch 22. But every doctor in the worls wants to investigate the possibility of a manic depressive swing, so I will monitor that too. If we crash after this, then we will assume thats the case. No drugs, though, but I will take it into account when looking for the cause.

Update: still able to go more than 3 hours on a single protein snack. I dont know how far, but at least 4 hours. Not really testing this until after the PTC, but there it is.

Interesting: as in previous non-pill days, I do feel better than when I take them. Past history tells me that I will accelerate my mind to the point of incoherency if I go another day or two. This is not a surprise. I am taking 10x, 100x, 1000x daily recommended doses. Lets not kid ourselves, this is probably less toxic than pharmaceuticals, but it is foriegn in those amounts. I dont think there are lingering effects, but, there are usually some side effects.

Strength

I am stronger.

Physically.

I have been noticing that lately. I can move more weight in the gym, sure, but its the small things that make me notice. More gas running in the mountains, the ability to bend and pick things up is not as taxing, even surfing, a certain amount of power not there before. Its not merely an energy thing. I am stronger. And I have worked out so consistently, that one cannot attribute this to better work outs.

I can tell this is related to healing. I read an account of dyspraxia that attributes loss in strength to continuous tension in the body. I do have considerably less muscular tension. Probably as a result of having a lot less epinephrine etc. Or maybe its a question of better neural signaling. Things aer starting to function more and more like one would expect them to function.

PTC in two days. No supplements tomorrow. Wow. With, lets say, an average of 30 pills a day for almost 5 years, we are talking about my ingestion of almost 5,500 pills being consumed. This does not take into account the drinks, shakes, cleanses, oils and other additions. So, a day off feels, well, outstanding. Happy pill vacation body.

Wow

I realized that this- that is my dive into self psycho analysis- is so much bigger than this illness. Its necessary and over due. There are knots that are holding me back. However, I have been using this illness as an excuse not to get to the bottom of it. I have hid behind it when things got uncomfrtable. When I asked uncomforatble questions and when others did of me.

I am taking my self discovery off line, off this blog, because it does not belong here. No worries, I still use the words, its just in a private journal.

I will keep on with illness related things, because they are real and important, they are just not the cause of my misery. People suffer every day. That is what it is, but no excuse.

ok

So its not all sunshine and lemonade. Yesterday there was the return of brain mud. So, anyway, I rode it out, remembering that I am healing, and focused on feeling like I belonged even while I was out of it.

I spent the day with Dad and sister. How is that not good?

I drank green tea this morning. I used to really want to be able to drink tea and coffe and was pleased that I could drink green tea. It just looks so...satisfying and so many people get so excited about it. I guess I wanted to feel normal, and a part of the ritual.

Yeah, well, today it hit me..."why?" I mean, so what. My system is naturally cafinated, since caffeine just fires off adrenaline. So why throw gas on fire.

My dad has a cool calm, energy. I just calm down around him. I notice that most of the people in my life have that calm center. They tend not to be excitable, and able to focus on one thing. I think we are nice compliments.

I have, however, been trying to internalize that. Make it part of me. Because I need to have the ability to comfort myself, and not find it in other people, especially when I am chemically prone to going going going going...spinning faster and out of control.

Trembling

It started again. My hands are trembling. First it was only the right one. Now the left also. Its been almost a week now. Its a little embarrassing, but since the rest of the health is doing well, its only kind of amusing.

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update
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Wow. Dear God...I think that's just tension leaving. Starting about a week ago, a little more, I started to feel tension. When this happens, it means that its starting to ebb, cause I can feel it instead of being consumed by it. Then last weekend, I had a hard time sleeping. This happens then the tension starts to leave and I have all this excess energy. Last night, for the fist time in weeks, I felt tired, exhausted, relaxed. The twitching in my eye lids, which started with the bar adn returned a couple weeks ago, always a sign of too much tension, stopped today. And I am realizing how much tension was being stored in my forearms. I think thats the trembling.

Other signs...I was, for a few weeks, just crashing at night. And waking up as tired in the morning. My strength in the gym was steadily declining and I was winded, short and kinda mean. Wow. so good to have that moved. I slept last night and did not wake up wired. I woke up tired.

Why the stress leaving...well, I am reorienting. I was so far out of my sweet spot. I am there again. Just reoriented, re calibrated, realigned all the other re s I can think of. I feel purposeful and not lost again. I wonder if that had a lot to do with the rash of poor health. We will see.

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update
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and my hunger, long gone, is returned. Welcome back hunger.
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update
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How fucking ridiculous am I?
Answer: Very

Topic of the day

***WARNING*** this post is extremely self indulgent and pregnant women and those that fall asleep easily should not read this.

Oh, who are we kidding. The whole blog is self indulgent. Well, its MY blog. If you dont like it, go read Daily Kos.

Without further belligerence, you will now be returned to your regularly scheduled programming.

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1) Wow, for the first time...maybe ever, I didn't need my usual protein snack every 3 hours...for 3 days now. I have theories, but dont I always. Actually this is part of a pretty small but disciplined experiment. So far so good. No more tinkering until after the PTC outreach next week. For now, no more shampoo other than J & J, no vitamins as of next Tuesday, and no antihistamines. Oh, and I have to leave my hair longish so they can cut it.




Today's insecurity that will be held up to the light, is a big one. Perhaps the biggest, but we will see. You never really know about these things.

People will not want to be around me/love me/respect me when I am sick.



Ok, here is where that comes from.

I mean, why would they? I cannot perform. When I am sick, I am not funny, my memory is shot, I am not authoritative, or energizing, or clever, or warm. I am surly, lost, disoriented, stupid, unable to make decisions, I cannot lead, or take charge. I am not fun or light. Seriously, why would anyone want to be around that? Would I? What do I bring to the table?

ok...lets unpack.

Well, here is an additional element...it is my perception that there are some people who want to be around me when I am ill- well call them the nurses, but think I am an arrogant shit when I am not feeling ill. When I was ill all the time, I collected the companionship of people who were likewise ill, or lost, or scared or broken. I could relate and they were not going to push me. There are also those personalities that seem to respond really strongly to someone in need and hurting.

Problem is as I passed that wellness threshold, I got bored of these people. I wanted to explore. Furthermore, I got frustrated with their own shattered sense of self. What an asshole am I.

Then you have the people who like you when you are well. But the concern is that they will not when you are laid up. They claim to be cool with you being sick, but I have my doubts. Frankly, I feel like a drag then. Furthermore, it seems like I let them down more, cause more disagreements and fights then. I feel confused, emotional and vulnerable. I am easily upset. I dont think they really like being around me them and who can blame them?

So get I get all hermited out. I just pull up the draw bridge feeling that the friends that I make I cannot sustain when I am feeling un-well. That they will not like me, or that I will feel pressured to act more well than I am and it is so draining.

Now, questions:

So who is wrong me or them? J challenged me that I dont let people into the illness. That is, I withdraw when I am feeling lousy and dont share with them how I am feeling.

Perhaps this is accurate. Maye I want so badly to be perceived as well, as normal, even as a super being, who does not need to eat or sleep or rest that I present that image when I can and disappear when I cannot sustain it. That's patent Bullshit if that's whats going on (of course as a patent attorney I sincerely doubt you can patent bullshit. It anticipated, obvious and frankly, the world needs no further excuse to commodify bullshit). Shit, thats a tough picture to digest. It demonstrates a person who is so uncomfortable with who he is that he constructs a super persona mask to hide behind. Additionally it bespeaks a leverage that he seeks to maintain over other people by never acknowledging or sharing his doubt, illness, or frailty.

Of course, I still need to erode, or confirm and deal with, the fact that some people cannot handle a sick person, or an inconsistent one.

Of course, this begs the question, perhaps I am not giving anyone consistency because I hide as best I can when I feel lousy. I fake it and get grumpy. Maybe people can handle this better than I believe.

But what if they cannot? Shit, I mean this was the joy of believing that I would be well, that I could go back to my old life and be old me. What would these people want with an invalid? Do I hate that invalid worse than everyone else? of course. I hate that limitation. But that hate is not helping anyone. Limitations is what I got. ANd I am so brutally hard on myself for it. Like I am punishing myself for being ill. Well, toughy, since a certain amount of wellness was only possible because I rejected what I was told---that there was nothing that could be done. Still, its a fine line. Push and then relax, experiment and let it settle for a while. 2 months a go? You cannot make judgments every 2 days and change course. Its reactive and draining to you and the ones in your circle.

But, while we are on the subject, who is really in that circle? Who knows everything about this, or if not everything, who do I talk to freely about it that is still in my life today? Roll call: G, eM, Mads...wow, looking awfully thin. There were more: A, J, W, Gi- all gone now. I could include Dr. M, but as a psych, he was pretty convinced it was all in my head, so we focused on that part and rarely talked about it as if it were more than a figment of my imagination. Which, for the record, is really a shitty way to feel- like you are being humored.

When I think about how many people were as close to the middle of me as you can get without being me, I mean, the FULL access pass, that are now gone from my life, it scares me, I wonder if this in some way confirms that I am so insane that the better someone knows me the more they need to flee. Or, perhaps I am taking the fact that they know of the extent of my illness as permission to be selfish, which is not excusable- sick or no. Or maybe, when I was ill-er, I was a pretty calm nice fellow and now I have the energy to really be horrible, or maybe I feel entitled to be unconscionable because I was ill so long.

lots to look at there.

Well, and then there is this. For a lot of years I was floundering. Not really knowing where I was going. Somehow, being well has allowed me to reclaim that or reclaiming that has allowed eellness. Eitehr way, I am a lot more optimistic these days. I dont mind falling. I dont mind failing. I just want to fall and fail doing something for me.

Ok, I am cutting this off

Road work.

Do you know what "road work" is? Its a boxing term. It refers to the need of the fighter to build endurance and the, hopefully now, antiquated method of doing so by hitting the pavement and running behind a car or bike.

The whole point of road work is that it sucks. It really starts when it gets hard. Then, you are just logging miles. No thrill of fighting, no glamor of hitting someone. No breaks, just grinding out road work. It just needs to get done.

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Illness, prolonged illness, and probably particularly mental illness, can break your self confidence. In my case, lets use the word shattered. There it was one day, full of self awareness, piss and vinegar, what I could do and where my weaknesses were; pretty healthy for a 22, 23 year old. Illness systematically, unrepentantly and unrelentingly dismantled that self confidence. When it was done with my self confidence, it whittled down my self respect until it was all but gone. Self esteem was an appetizer. What the illness really had to focus on to break was hope. But it too fell, broken and ridiculed.

Maybe the hardest part was that I was not an old man. I looked and sounded healthy to people who did not look to closely. A law student, tall handsome, able, everyone assumed I was having an enviable experience. Except I wasnt. I was clinging to sanity and spending days doing fun things like collecting my own feces and crying into a pillow. Really good times.

But we have gone over that before and shall not indulge again...right now.

this journal is about illness and recovery from illness. Usually I concentrate on the physical aspects of that. But picking up the pieces, rebuilding self esteem, self respect, self confidence are a big part. Perhaps more important right now. Especially when almost no one knew you were/are ill. You are not cut the slack that, perhaps, a cancer survivor might get. But cancer survivors have enough horrors, and this is not about them, its about what I am doing to deal with some of the mind part of the body/mind equation when approaching wellness.

Well, this journey, reaching a crescendo now, began a while ago. For those of you desperate or kind enough to have been following this blog back when I started it might remember, there were days so given over to preoccupation about healing that I was, as my father says- an animal- head down adn ass up. It was pure survival. While effective, there is little dignity in it and I was just wallowing, going through the motions of being a human being.

But then, and its not clear which day, but my wellness, climbing since the PTC, rose over the illness and I could see the valleys of life and possibility spread out before me. It was staggering. Still, it took me a long time to get out of survival mode and to reestablish myself. I was, you see, interrupted.

There are many things that happened along the way, but since this entry is about self confidence and redeeming myself in my own eyes, I will begin with the most notable turn. Now, I had known since the beginning that law was not for me. Not big firm law. Just a bad fit. Still, it was a steady paycheck and not too difficult, even when, technically, insane. Thats not bravado, its simple that it was almost, just barely, too difficult, but I was able to pull it off.

I remember crawling out of the murk. I remember one day thinking, "wow, I really have not bought music in years". Music, so important to me, the soundtrack of my life, and it had sat dormant for years, my appreciation putrefying. You see even an animal ceases to take care of itself when it is sick. Cats need the vet when they dont wash, and I need something when I am not listening to music.

Well, one day in Boston, I bought some albums, some of them sucked, some of them were amazing, but it was a declaration that it was time to reemerge.

Soon enough, I left my job. It was just time to go. It was a question of getting confidence that I could make it outside. It was also feeling ready to define myself and translate that into the world. I took a job in a restaurant. I read a lot, and thought and spent time not saying no to things that scared me. Feeling brave, I began my career search. not a job search, career search. I decided it would take a year. It took a little more than that, but we unraveled it. It was frustrating at first. I borrowed "what color is your parachute" from V, thanks V, and went to work with the excersizes. I found I was even lying to myself about what I liked and prefered. After a couple months clearing tables and drinking absinthe until 3 am, I was clearer. Clear. Recentered. from there, I saw the outlines of me and what was going to make me happy. I was giddy but unsure.

Well, I made dramatic choices. I chose to move to CA. This is a big deal. I have moved 11 times previously and never for me. Always there was a reason. Well, it was scary, but CA was where I was to go. And I found a job and moved. Thats a big deal. Boston, while great, was somewhere I moved for someone else. Because I lacked the self confidence to end a relationship that was not going any where, I just let it happen to me. I rolled with it and let myself be angry. Well, this was different. It was affirmative, it took courage, it took confidence that it was the right decision. Lord knows I agonized, but I did it. me. Mine.

Well, CA was all about capitalizing on that. Still, it was clear that we were only making steps. Maybe the hard work was done in some regards, but in others, we had hardly begun, the road work.

I call my studio "the lab". Its for experiments in lifestyle design. Its for experiments and it acknowledges that sometimes experiments fail, and that's ok.

A lot has gone on in this lab. recently, things have started to make more sense. It took a rough rough awakening to get there, and the graciousness of a friend to kick me in the ass and another to kick me in the head. M today said to me "Why do I need to yell before you hear me? It sounds like you have this affect on people".

Yeah, M, yeah.

A bit ago, J challenged me in a way I am only getting now. She demanded that I stop hiding behind easy excuses and cop outs. She got in my face and told me that I had to confront myself in all my naked imperfection if I had a chance to stay with her or even really become a serviceable human being. I told her it was hard to be a mess when she was taking the seat above that. She said tough, get used to it, thats the way it was. it galled, but it makes sense now.

Regaining your self confidence means confronting your insecurities. First, knowing them, then admitting they are there, then working through them, wearing them down every day, working with your friends, family and lovers, if you are lucky. It cannot be done in a vacuum.

I have a lot of insecurities. We can acknowledge the ones that come from the illness on this blog and it stays on topic. Neat trick huh?

What if it comes back?
Am I deserving of love if I am ill?
Will I be pitied?
What if I get no better? Do I still deserve to be taken seriously? What can I possible contribute? What do I bring that makes me special and worth someone's time?
How will I provide for myself?
What if I need other people? (I do.)
What if someone loves me and I get sick again. Am I still a man?
What if I am left stupid?

So, thats the gist. In the immortal words of Matt Damon "Let the healing begin"

I am also spending time identifying what I like about me. For example, I am kind, and creative, courageous, I have vision, and I am passionate. I am identifying things for which I have passion. Surfing. writing to you all. polo, strangely. Baseball. They are mine and I take some sense of me from them.

I am hard on myself. But I am getting less so. I am demanding better treatment and cutting out of my life people that dont give anything back, or take more than they give. Its all related.

So I am pretty exhausted right now. its been a rough day. I have confronted a lot, and realized things that I wanted to be so angry about and which I thought were so unfair and mean, were nothing but tearing away the self deciept I was using to protect myself from growing. I am more well than I acknowledge and there is no reason to sit here.

I am sorry. I dont know that you will read this but you were right. All of it. Most of it. You were right about me needing to hurry up, that I was being indulgent. You were right about me not facing it dead on. You were right about me being childish and ridiculous and hiding behind excuses and old bad patterns and being a victim. You were right that I need help. You were right that only staying with it 100% is the right thing to do. You were right that I circled around it and made you the scape goat. You are right that I was angry at you for having tghe self confidence that I lacked and I childishly tried to rip it down to my level to make myself feel better. I was jealous of your health and confidence and self esteem and I lashed out at it all, and felt sorry for myself.

I realized the extent to which I resented others wellness and stability, but how I would not put in the work to get there. how I wanted to be around broken people, or people that I cowed and impressed. I didnt want the challenge. except I do. I am drawn to it. If it hurts, I will stick with it. Yeah, Ill get mad, but I stay with it. its why I am well. I never give up on wellness and I am not afriad to look stupid and fall down if it means I will soon stand up straight and tall.

but I am building my own and I am not so far away as I thought.

Head down, keep pounding out those miles. It starts when it hurts.

The healing of the mind. May you all face this horribleness.

I read the news today oh boy

Counsel for the other party in a case that I am litigating is filing a notice of death. Included in this is a copy of the death certificate of one of the parties. Listed under complicating factors to his autopsy, is dementia. The man was a genius in his field of applied physics. The great grandfather in his specialty. What a fate.

Vacation

Went on a short vacation this weekend with some new old friends. I drank more than I ever really do, but came away, so far, without much damage done.

I had a brain fog spell, again, on Sunday. I hate them, but I suppose you know this by now. I am getting concerned that they seem to be happening more frequently. Perhaps that is misperception though, and I am really just more aware of them since i am better than ever and demanding more from my healing.



A friend reminded me to focus on the healing aspect of the healing. To be a little more patient and to forgive the set backs in the context of a system with the injuries to the brain/body addressed, but the body itself requiring time to rebuild pathways and accommodate the scars.

I am concerned that the brain swings which so closely seem to imitate blood sugar drops are, in fact, insulin resistance in my brain. This is heavily correlated with mental illness and Alzheimer's. Furthermore, it makes a bit of sense.

There is a question of where and why this could have happened, but interestingly, while I like to put the blame on a staggering carbohydrate load for 8 odd years of water polo, and perhaps the massive volume of work as a general stressor on the body, my feeling lately is that the huge amounts of cortisol that must have been generated in response to histapenia and all the epinephrine goodness that excessive copper/ too little histamine brings. Cortisol inhibits the function of insulin.

So, anyway, thats it. Bit worried,but taking the counsel of that same friend to be patient, gather information, talk to experts, and then design a reasonable program to increase insulin sensitivity.

For now, I am interested in addressing it the following way:

Verfiy insulin resistance: Get a Glocose tolerance test adminitered. This requires finding a new PCP and getting a referal to a good endocrinologist. If they don't feel after that, that this is what is going on, keep looking.

If it is IR, then:

ALA
Chromium piccolinate
Glucophage: a prescription medication for increasing insulin sensitivity in diabetics.
OMega 3 oil: for increasing cell permeability.
Lower glycemic meals- this one is hard since it appears, to lay me, that mass action is the only mechanism to get glucose into he brain.
More sleep- better sleep
less stress- prioritize my SR.
Perhaps ginseng, ti fo, astralanga, or other adaptagenics.


But, for the time being, status quo. And, lets take a moment to have enjoyed an rejuvenating weekend with friends. Thanks A, K, and S. And thanks J.


PS- on two separate occasions recently, I drank green tea. Any stimulant whatsoever used to send my head so high up I could almost hear whistles. These teas sat just fine.

Just worn

Shaken. Low again. Feeling fine, in fact clear. Clearing episode? I don't know. Perhaps. If so, this was a queen mother. Now just feel beat up.

Still, so hard to move forward with life plans right now. I dont know what I can depend on. Its the uncertainty. So off balance and feeling alone. And I dont want to drag anyone into this. I dont know the right cocktail to enact. how much to tell and when? When is is selfish, when is it selfish nto to tell. Do I wait to know how I feel? And most of all, how to take initiative, and be clear and direct, when you are so low like that. When you struggle just to keep your head up. When keeping the imperative at bay takes all your time? I dont know. Is is reasonable to drag someone else into this? I dont think so. People dont want a broken man, and the ones that do, dont want a well one.

I just want to be alone. In a padded world where I cannot hurt or disappoint anyone further.

Pfeiffer meeting coming up. Maybe some light to be shed.

My ALA and chromium experiment to increase insulin sensitivity is on hold for the time being. I wonder if it accelerated the crash. Caused it? Doesn't matter? I desperately want to know if brain insulin resistance is at issue here. I instinctually feel that it is, but I sincerely doubt instinct when I have so much emotionally invested in the outcome. I was taking 600 mg ALA a day, and 500 mg of Chromium a day. There are warnings that too much can cause low blood sugar. this might have been at play. Do I ramp up and try again? Do I abandon it?

Abandon.

Ok, maybe now I feel like making coherent sense. I am getting a little poor me. It takes a long time to shake off the effects of a crash. Two steps back, flat on your ass. Again. So hard to build when there is no predictability. When I dont know what I can offer. When the symptoms are at bay, I know I can have everything I want, or at least I can make that good effort that I want. But I feel the danger of overreaching when I fall again. People with expectations feeling let down. Me feeling let down.

All these years, still uncertain what happened. Still uncertain why I am better, still uncertain why not all the way.

And mad. Mad because other people didn't sit on the side lines. I am so jealous. I want to believe that my experience gave me something better, truer, but it didn't. I missed out.

Title-

Here we are again. Down. In. Whatever. Its going to be a long night. One of those nights I think I might need help to make it through. I just dont think I have the strength to stave off the darkness tonight. Not alone. Not again.

I get so tired. So bone weary. And this thing is so old now. So me. I hardly remember before. Its always in a bevy of research that I hit new lows. Its not that there is not an answer out there, there are too many. And too many of them dont work.

Recently I have been thinking of EST. I mean, just one good jolt to the system. A restart button. It works on my laptop. Why not me? I am at whits end here, circling around wellenss, being well, but not knowing why and so when it dissapears all the more along.

I get angry. I get so mad. I wish I had something to be angry about. I wish I had a target a focus, someone or something that had it in for me. Something to hate. Because sometimes, with nothing to hate, and hating still, you end up hating yourself by accident.

So, with no one to make it through this night with me, I turn to you. To the record that someone might read and care of be bored, but knowing that someone was there with me that night, someone heard my whining and complaining, Ill make it through.


Actually. Screw this. HTis is going into a full blown rant

You know what word I hate. Potential. I feel like the world is staring at me waiting for me to get it togetrher. To strong along what they know I can do. DOnt you think I know it too? Cant I feel your pressure, your want. Dont I want to get out of bed? Dont I want stairs not to wind me. Dont you think I could draft your fucking letter preperly if I could read clearly? I am getting so good at letting people down. Its a skill like any other. The first person is you, and then everyone else, who wants you to be strong, or magniminious, or excited, or happy, or brilliant, or articulate, or warm, or even good. I cant do it. I cannot help you. I am failing everyone, especially me. My time on this planet has been nursing wounds and weaknesses and illnesses and I am fucking sick of it. SICK SICK SICK. Fuck it. I wish I couls scream loud enough to scare it away. I wish people could say something nicer about me than I handle it well.

Shit.

SHit shit shit shit shit.

Hate this.