Flipping it.

Readers here know that I am fond of the realization that psychosomatic means the effect of the mind on the body AND the body on the mind. Often, I urge people not to think of them as seperate. In fact, my early position on psychological treatment of this illness was shaded by the therapists not taking into account whether something physical was driving the neuroses, instead of the other way around.

So, it was, therefore, a humbling thought experiential I ran the other day.

What if there was a time when I wanted to avoid what I was seeing? I wanted to create a shell of a person, who could deal with the world, while I could hide safely away inside not disappointing people, never failing, always with an excuse, seeing the world as mean and me as the victim, never wrong, always wronged. How would I do that?

Well, the first thing first, is that I would see everything as a threat. A challenge to me. I would see eyes watching me everywhere, people judging me, everyone aware of what I was doing and ready to make criticisms. In short, I would develop paranoia.

And what would you do if you needed to be the best at everything? Well, since thats impossible and even a sick need, the answer is simple...you sideline yourself. In sports, you fake an injury, or play one up. To sideline yourself from life- you develop pains that no one else understood, with a disease that no one could find. If I was sick, then how could I be expected to meet other peoples expectations? They did not understand me, how could they? I wasn't able to find out how normal I was, because I was stricken down. Oh people, but if I could, I would be kind of the world. Just you WAIT until I am not sick any more. Or some such rot. A

It also makes you special: I was going through something unique that made me a greater martyr than them all. I would fantasize about taking my own life. Interestingly, this was my response to being ill.

I would avoid things. When something uncomfortable came up, a challenge, a chance to see if I was really as smart and talented as told myself I was, as others told me I was, I would avoid it. I would dodge it and move to something else where the steep learning curve would give me immediate validation, immediate gratification, and I would never have to get to the place where I was competing with experts. I would jump from thing to thing, and disappear over and over. In short, I would develop a driving need for novelty a physical pain when I stayed with a task. Therefore, I would never have to try and fail.

And I would avoid things in my own head too. I would let my mind race and race and race, and, God forbid, it slows for a little bit, I would keep my body on edge like a caffeine addict, running from activity to activity. I would be hyperactive.

I would be the center of the universe. I would eliminate other people from my horizon by drowning them out with emotions. Huge walls of uncontrollable (or uncontrolled emotions). I would beat them up with them, and then run when they were hurt. I would tell myself that I was overly sensitive and that this was ok. All the while, keeping everyone at bay.

I would grow increasingly isolated from people. I would develop phobias and panic attacks to justify my isolation.

Well, I dont think this is the complete story either, but I think its part of the story. Neither mind, nor body, are, for me, completely responsible.

They are reconciling now. Feeding off each other in what was a negative, but now a positive, feedback loop.

Just a thought. A humbling omission I have been avoiding for years. Go figure.

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Of course, it works the other way. I become increasingly more paranoid due to waht is going through my system and I start avoiding people, and seeing threats everywhere. My mind accelerates with nor epinephrine and I cannot stop thinking and jumping from task to task. My dopamine increases and I need, chemically, novelty- I am addicted to the high like an opium junkie or a heroin addict. Sucha drug.

So, there is that too. And honestly, I dont know which way to think about it. One begs me to address underlying personal issues, the other, to ignore it and work over it. Right?