And the day after

Today was a perfectly perfect day. Clear head. The fog and turmoil of yesterday cleared in the night. I could feel it. It woke me. So today was rock solid. I went surfing and worked on a book, went out with friends in the mission, laughed, took a walk in Golden Gate park and just, in general, did a lot of thinking about my life and occasional positive reinforcement of how I handled yesterday.

I also am realizing the impact of stress. Late last night, in the midst of the muddy headed ness, I wondered if I could induce a depression from the mud, just be feeling sorry for myself. I did not go all the way with the experiment, but its affects were profound enough to answer in the affirmative. Being angry and feeling vulnerable can worsen the mood associated with the fog. And those are the thoughts that generally accompany the fogs- the feeling of helplessness, and particular precariousness, that no one can love or protect you at that time. Being weak and feeling exposed and needy, yet not having the belief that others that you need will be there. It seems silly in the light, but in the darkness, it makes me want to disappear. And disappear I did for many years.

So, now my approach is thinking positive thoughts, and even celebrating the personality that I have when foggy. quiet tired and kind of stoned. I mean, hey, why fight it?

I really cannot say why I fogged yesterday while today was clear. Same pills, same sleep, same food, even the same jeans. I just dont know. But sometimes knowing why is not so important. You choose a strategy and stick with it.