ok

So its not all sunshine and lemonade. Yesterday there was the return of brain mud. So, anyway, I rode it out, remembering that I am healing, and focused on feeling like I belonged even while I was out of it.

I spent the day with Dad and sister. How is that not good?

I drank green tea this morning. I used to really want to be able to drink tea and coffe and was pleased that I could drink green tea. It just looks so...satisfying and so many people get so excited about it. I guess I wanted to feel normal, and a part of the ritual.

Yeah, well, today it hit me..."why?" I mean, so what. My system is naturally cafinated, since caffeine just fires off adrenaline. So why throw gas on fire.

My dad has a cool calm, energy. I just calm down around him. I notice that most of the people in my life have that calm center. They tend not to be excitable, and able to focus on one thing. I think we are nice compliments.

I have, however, been trying to internalize that. Make it part of me. Because I need to have the ability to comfort myself, and not find it in other people, especially when I am chemically prone to going going going going...spinning faster and out of control.