Topic of the day
***WARNING*** this post is extremely self indulgent and pregnant women and those that fall asleep easily should not read this.
Oh, who are we kidding. The whole blog is self indulgent. Well, its MY blog. If you dont like it, go read Daily Kos.
Without further belligerence, you will now be returned to your regularly scheduled programming.
-------------------------------------------------
1) Wow, for the first time...maybe ever, I didn't need my usual protein snack every 3 hours...for 3 days now. I have theories, but dont I always. Actually this is part of a pretty small but disciplined experiment. So far so good. No more tinkering until after the PTC outreach next week. For now, no more shampoo other than J & J, no vitamins as of next Tuesday, and no antihistamines. Oh, and I have to leave my hair longish so they can cut it.
Today's insecurity that will be held up to the light, is a big one. Perhaps the biggest, but we will see. You never really know about these things.
People will not want to be around me/love me/respect me when I am sick.
Ok, here is where that comes from.
I mean, why would they? I cannot perform. When I am sick, I am not funny, my memory is shot, I am not authoritative, or energizing, or clever, or warm. I am surly, lost, disoriented, stupid, unable to make decisions, I cannot lead, or take charge. I am not fun or light. Seriously, why would anyone want to be around that? Would I? What do I bring to the table?
ok...lets unpack.
Well, here is an additional element...it is my perception that there are some people who want to be around me when I am ill- well call them the nurses, but think I am an arrogant shit when I am not feeling ill. When I was ill all the time, I collected the companionship of people who were likewise ill, or lost, or scared or broken. I could relate and they were not going to push me. There are also those personalities that seem to respond really strongly to someone in need and hurting.
Problem is as I passed that wellness threshold, I got bored of these people. I wanted to explore. Furthermore, I got frustrated with their own shattered sense of self. What an asshole am I.
Then you have the people who like you when you are well. But the concern is that they will not when you are laid up. They claim to be cool with you being sick, but I have my doubts. Frankly, I feel like a drag then. Furthermore, it seems like I let them down more, cause more disagreements and fights then. I feel confused, emotional and vulnerable. I am easily upset. I dont think they really like being around me them and who can blame them?
So get I get all hermited out. I just pull up the draw bridge feeling that the friends that I make I cannot sustain when I am feeling un-well. That they will not like me, or that I will feel pressured to act more well than I am and it is so draining.
Now, questions:
So who is wrong me or them? J challenged me that I dont let people into the illness. That is, I withdraw when I am feeling lousy and dont share with them how I am feeling.
Perhaps this is accurate. Maye I want so badly to be perceived as well, as normal, even as a super being, who does not need to eat or sleep or rest that I present that image when I can and disappear when I cannot sustain it. That's patent Bullshit if that's whats going on (of course as a patent attorney I sincerely doubt you can patent bullshit. It anticipated, obvious and frankly, the world needs no further excuse to commodify bullshit). Shit, thats a tough picture to digest. It demonstrates a person who is so uncomfortable with who he is that he constructs a super persona mask to hide behind. Additionally it bespeaks a leverage that he seeks to maintain over other people by never acknowledging or sharing his doubt, illness, or frailty.
Of course, I still need to erode, or confirm and deal with, the fact that some people cannot handle a sick person, or an inconsistent one.
Of course, this begs the question, perhaps I am not giving anyone consistency because I hide as best I can when I feel lousy. I fake it and get grumpy. Maybe people can handle this better than I believe.
But what if they cannot? Shit, I mean this was the joy of believing that I would be well, that I could go back to my old life and be old me. What would these people want with an invalid? Do I hate that invalid worse than everyone else? of course. I hate that limitation. But that hate is not helping anyone. Limitations is what I got. ANd I am so brutally hard on myself for it. Like I am punishing myself for being ill. Well, toughy, since a certain amount of wellness was only possible because I rejected what I was told---that there was nothing that could be done. Still, its a fine line. Push and then relax, experiment and let it settle for a while. 2 months a go? You cannot make judgments every 2 days and change course. Its reactive and draining to you and the ones in your circle.
But, while we are on the subject, who is really in that circle? Who knows everything about this, or if not everything, who do I talk to freely about it that is still in my life today? Roll call: G, eM, Mads...wow, looking awfully thin. There were more: A, J, W, Gi- all gone now. I could include Dr. M, but as a psych, he was pretty convinced it was all in my head, so we focused on that part and rarely talked about it as if it were more than a figment of my imagination. Which, for the record, is really a shitty way to feel- like you are being humored.
When I think about how many people were as close to the middle of me as you can get without being me, I mean, the FULL access pass, that are now gone from my life, it scares me, I wonder if this in some way confirms that I am so insane that the better someone knows me the more they need to flee. Or, perhaps I am taking the fact that they know of the extent of my illness as permission to be selfish, which is not excusable- sick or no. Or maybe, when I was ill-er, I was a pretty calm nice fellow and now I have the energy to really be horrible, or maybe I feel entitled to be unconscionable because I was ill so long.
lots to look at there.
Well, and then there is this. For a lot of years I was floundering. Not really knowing where I was going. Somehow, being well has allowed me to reclaim that or reclaiming that has allowed eellness. Eitehr way, I am a lot more optimistic these days. I dont mind falling. I dont mind failing. I just want to fall and fail doing something for me.
Ok, I am cutting this off
Oh, who are we kidding. The whole blog is self indulgent. Well, its MY blog. If you dont like it, go read Daily Kos.
Without further belligerence, you will now be returned to your regularly scheduled programming.
-------------------------------------------------
1) Wow, for the first time...maybe ever, I didn't need my usual protein snack every 3 hours...for 3 days now. I have theories, but dont I always. Actually this is part of a pretty small but disciplined experiment. So far so good. No more tinkering until after the PTC outreach next week. For now, no more shampoo other than J & J, no vitamins as of next Tuesday, and no antihistamines. Oh, and I have to leave my hair longish so they can cut it.
Today's insecurity that will be held up to the light, is a big one. Perhaps the biggest, but we will see. You never really know about these things.
People will not want to be around me/love me/respect me when I am sick.
Ok, here is where that comes from.
I mean, why would they? I cannot perform. When I am sick, I am not funny, my memory is shot, I am not authoritative, or energizing, or clever, or warm. I am surly, lost, disoriented, stupid, unable to make decisions, I cannot lead, or take charge. I am not fun or light. Seriously, why would anyone want to be around that? Would I? What do I bring to the table?
ok...lets unpack.
Well, here is an additional element...it is my perception that there are some people who want to be around me when I am ill- well call them the nurses, but think I am an arrogant shit when I am not feeling ill. When I was ill all the time, I collected the companionship of people who were likewise ill, or lost, or scared or broken. I could relate and they were not going to push me. There are also those personalities that seem to respond really strongly to someone in need and hurting.
Problem is as I passed that wellness threshold, I got bored of these people. I wanted to explore. Furthermore, I got frustrated with their own shattered sense of self. What an asshole am I.
Then you have the people who like you when you are well. But the concern is that they will not when you are laid up. They claim to be cool with you being sick, but I have my doubts. Frankly, I feel like a drag then. Furthermore, it seems like I let them down more, cause more disagreements and fights then. I feel confused, emotional and vulnerable. I am easily upset. I dont think they really like being around me them and who can blame them?
So get I get all hermited out. I just pull up the draw bridge feeling that the friends that I make I cannot sustain when I am feeling un-well. That they will not like me, or that I will feel pressured to act more well than I am and it is so draining.
Now, questions:
So who is wrong me or them? J challenged me that I dont let people into the illness. That is, I withdraw when I am feeling lousy and dont share with them how I am feeling.
Perhaps this is accurate. Maye I want so badly to be perceived as well, as normal, even as a super being, who does not need to eat or sleep or rest that I present that image when I can and disappear when I cannot sustain it. That's patent Bullshit if that's whats going on (of course as a patent attorney I sincerely doubt you can patent bullshit. It anticipated, obvious and frankly, the world needs no further excuse to commodify bullshit). Shit, thats a tough picture to digest. It demonstrates a person who is so uncomfortable with who he is that he constructs a super persona mask to hide behind. Additionally it bespeaks a leverage that he seeks to maintain over other people by never acknowledging or sharing his doubt, illness, or frailty.
Of course, I still need to erode, or confirm and deal with, the fact that some people cannot handle a sick person, or an inconsistent one.
Of course, this begs the question, perhaps I am not giving anyone consistency because I hide as best I can when I feel lousy. I fake it and get grumpy. Maybe people can handle this better than I believe.
But what if they cannot? Shit, I mean this was the joy of believing that I would be well, that I could go back to my old life and be old me. What would these people want with an invalid? Do I hate that invalid worse than everyone else? of course. I hate that limitation. But that hate is not helping anyone. Limitations is what I got. ANd I am so brutally hard on myself for it. Like I am punishing myself for being ill. Well, toughy, since a certain amount of wellness was only possible because I rejected what I was told---that there was nothing that could be done. Still, its a fine line. Push and then relax, experiment and let it settle for a while. 2 months a go? You cannot make judgments every 2 days and change course. Its reactive and draining to you and the ones in your circle.
But, while we are on the subject, who is really in that circle? Who knows everything about this, or if not everything, who do I talk to freely about it that is still in my life today? Roll call: G, eM, Mads...wow, looking awfully thin. There were more: A, J, W, Gi- all gone now. I could include Dr. M, but as a psych, he was pretty convinced it was all in my head, so we focused on that part and rarely talked about it as if it were more than a figment of my imagination. Which, for the record, is really a shitty way to feel- like you are being humored.
When I think about how many people were as close to the middle of me as you can get without being me, I mean, the FULL access pass, that are now gone from my life, it scares me, I wonder if this in some way confirms that I am so insane that the better someone knows me the more they need to flee. Or, perhaps I am taking the fact that they know of the extent of my illness as permission to be selfish, which is not excusable- sick or no. Or maybe, when I was ill-er, I was a pretty calm nice fellow and now I have the energy to really be horrible, or maybe I feel entitled to be unconscionable because I was ill so long.
lots to look at there.
Well, and then there is this. For a lot of years I was floundering. Not really knowing where I was going. Somehow, being well has allowed me to reclaim that or reclaiming that has allowed eellness. Eitehr way, I am a lot more optimistic these days. I dont mind falling. I dont mind failing. I just want to fall and fail doing something for me.
Ok, I am cutting this off
posted by warnerk | 9:51 AM
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