Title-
Here we are again. Down. In. Whatever. Its going to be a long night. One of those nights I think I might need help to make it through. I just dont think I have the strength to stave off the darkness tonight. Not alone. Not again.
I get so tired. So bone weary. And this thing is so old now. So me. I hardly remember before. Its always in a bevy of research that I hit new lows. Its not that there is not an answer out there, there are too many. And too many of them dont work.
Recently I have been thinking of EST. I mean, just one good jolt to the system. A restart button. It works on my laptop. Why not me? I am at whits end here, circling around wellenss, being well, but not knowing why and so when it dissapears all the more along.
I get angry. I get so mad. I wish I had something to be angry about. I wish I had a target a focus, someone or something that had it in for me. Something to hate. Because sometimes, with nothing to hate, and hating still, you end up hating yourself by accident.
So, with no one to make it through this night with me, I turn to you. To the record that someone might read and care of be bored, but knowing that someone was there with me that night, someone heard my whining and complaining, Ill make it through.
Actually. Screw this. HTis is going into a full blown rant
You know what word I hate. Potential. I feel like the world is staring at me waiting for me to get it togetrher. To strong along what they know I can do. DOnt you think I know it too? Cant I feel your pressure, your want. Dont I want to get out of bed? Dont I want stairs not to wind me. Dont you think I could draft your fucking letter preperly if I could read clearly? I am getting so good at letting people down. Its a skill like any other. The first person is you, and then everyone else, who wants you to be strong, or magniminious, or excited, or happy, or brilliant, or articulate, or warm, or even good. I cant do it. I cannot help you. I am failing everyone, especially me. My time on this planet has been nursing wounds and weaknesses and illnesses and I am fucking sick of it. SICK SICK SICK. Fuck it. I wish I couls scream loud enough to scare it away. I wish people could say something nicer about me than I handle it well.
Shit.
SHit shit shit shit shit.
Hate this.
I get so tired. So bone weary. And this thing is so old now. So me. I hardly remember before. Its always in a bevy of research that I hit new lows. Its not that there is not an answer out there, there are too many. And too many of them dont work.
Recently I have been thinking of EST. I mean, just one good jolt to the system. A restart button. It works on my laptop. Why not me? I am at whits end here, circling around wellenss, being well, but not knowing why and so when it dissapears all the more along.
I get angry. I get so mad. I wish I had something to be angry about. I wish I had a target a focus, someone or something that had it in for me. Something to hate. Because sometimes, with nothing to hate, and hating still, you end up hating yourself by accident.
So, with no one to make it through this night with me, I turn to you. To the record that someone might read and care of be bored, but knowing that someone was there with me that night, someone heard my whining and complaining, Ill make it through.
Actually. Screw this. HTis is going into a full blown rant
You know what word I hate. Potential. I feel like the world is staring at me waiting for me to get it togetrher. To strong along what they know I can do. DOnt you think I know it too? Cant I feel your pressure, your want. Dont I want to get out of bed? Dont I want stairs not to wind me. Dont you think I could draft your fucking letter preperly if I could read clearly? I am getting so good at letting people down. Its a skill like any other. The first person is you, and then everyone else, who wants you to be strong, or magniminious, or excited, or happy, or brilliant, or articulate, or warm, or even good. I cant do it. I cannot help you. I am failing everyone, especially me. My time on this planet has been nursing wounds and weaknesses and illnesses and I am fucking sick of it. SICK SICK SICK. Fuck it. I wish I couls scream loud enough to scare it away. I wish people could say something nicer about me than I handle it well.
Shit.
SHit shit shit shit shit.
Hate this.
posted by warnerk | 10:25 PM
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