Just worn
Shaken. Low again. Feeling fine, in fact clear. Clearing episode? I don't know. Perhaps. If so, this was a queen mother. Now just feel beat up.
Still, so hard to move forward with life plans right now. I dont know what I can depend on. Its the uncertainty. So off balance and feeling alone. And I dont want to drag anyone into this. I dont know the right cocktail to enact. how much to tell and when? When is is selfish, when is it selfish nto to tell. Do I wait to know how I feel? And most of all, how to take initiative, and be clear and direct, when you are so low like that. When you struggle just to keep your head up. When keeping the imperative at bay takes all your time? I dont know. Is is reasonable to drag someone else into this? I dont think so. People dont want a broken man, and the ones that do, dont want a well one.
I just want to be alone. In a padded world where I cannot hurt or disappoint anyone further.
Pfeiffer meeting coming up. Maybe some light to be shed.
My ALA and chromium experiment to increase insulin sensitivity is on hold for the time being. I wonder if it accelerated the crash. Caused it? Doesn't matter? I desperately want to know if brain insulin resistance is at issue here. I instinctually feel that it is, but I sincerely doubt instinct when I have so much emotionally invested in the outcome. I was taking 600 mg ALA a day, and 500 mg of Chromium a day. There are warnings that too much can cause low blood sugar. this might have been at play. Do I ramp up and try again? Do I abandon it?
Abandon.
Ok, maybe now I feel like making coherent sense. I am getting a little poor me. It takes a long time to shake off the effects of a crash. Two steps back, flat on your ass. Again. So hard to build when there is no predictability. When I dont know what I can offer. When the symptoms are at bay, I know I can have everything I want, or at least I can make that good effort that I want. But I feel the danger of overreaching when I fall again. People with expectations feeling let down. Me feeling let down.
All these years, still uncertain what happened. Still uncertain why I am better, still uncertain why not all the way.
And mad. Mad because other people didn't sit on the side lines. I am so jealous. I want to believe that my experience gave me something better, truer, but it didn't. I missed out.
Still, so hard to move forward with life plans right now. I dont know what I can depend on. Its the uncertainty. So off balance and feeling alone. And I dont want to drag anyone into this. I dont know the right cocktail to enact. how much to tell and when? When is is selfish, when is it selfish nto to tell. Do I wait to know how I feel? And most of all, how to take initiative, and be clear and direct, when you are so low like that. When you struggle just to keep your head up. When keeping the imperative at bay takes all your time? I dont know. Is is reasonable to drag someone else into this? I dont think so. People dont want a broken man, and the ones that do, dont want a well one.
I just want to be alone. In a padded world where I cannot hurt or disappoint anyone further.
Pfeiffer meeting coming up. Maybe some light to be shed.
My ALA and chromium experiment to increase insulin sensitivity is on hold for the time being. I wonder if it accelerated the crash. Caused it? Doesn't matter? I desperately want to know if brain insulin resistance is at issue here. I instinctually feel that it is, but I sincerely doubt instinct when I have so much emotionally invested in the outcome. I was taking 600 mg ALA a day, and 500 mg of Chromium a day. There are warnings that too much can cause low blood sugar. this might have been at play. Do I ramp up and try again? Do I abandon it?
Abandon.
Ok, maybe now I feel like making coherent sense. I am getting a little poor me. It takes a long time to shake off the effects of a crash. Two steps back, flat on your ass. Again. So hard to build when there is no predictability. When I dont know what I can offer. When the symptoms are at bay, I know I can have everything I want, or at least I can make that good effort that I want. But I feel the danger of overreaching when I fall again. People with expectations feeling let down. Me feeling let down.
All these years, still uncertain what happened. Still uncertain why I am better, still uncertain why not all the way.
And mad. Mad because other people didn't sit on the side lines. I am so jealous. I want to believe that my experience gave me something better, truer, but it didn't. I missed out.
posted by warnerk | 10:46 AM
1 Comments:
I'm still here with you.
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