Transfer #14
Subject: ponderings Posted Date: Sunday, January 22, 2006 - 12:04 PM
Today was pristine. Absolutely no symptoms at all. This is the 4th days of this since 1998. hooo ray for me. Happy sanity day. I spent it running errands. And you know what, they were the most fuifilling and happy errands I have run in years.
I want to talk to a psychologist, I just feel like being crazy for 8 years might require some discussion, but I have read that it is not recommended until the disperceptions cease. Did you get that? I am so crazy, that I may forgive myself for doing things I have never done, or something like that. Actually, I have to tell you, that I see the sanguinity in that. So many of the obsessive problems of the last few years are not even relevant. Still, I think I will want a midlife crisis at some point. In fact, probably soon, but maybe that too will pass.
When you are certifiable, you learn not to trust your emotions. Actually you learn not to trust what you see or hear wither. That's a mind fuck. You get sad, and you don't give into it, because hey, it might be a passing depressive episode. Someone makes you angry, and you say nothing because, hey, you might not have understood what they said. Or be off it. Sucks really. I learned to just act as if there other person was right, apologize a lot, and sort things out later. It sometimes took months till you had a clear day and could think it through. Your head gets so congested. Then I would write the conclusions down so I could refer to it when I was in the hole again. Jesus, that sounds awful. Wow.
It seems like now that I am discussing this openly with people, being schizophrenic, the stories pour in. And they pour in from everywhere. I am taken aback sometimes by the amount of hurt and suffering in the world, and the fact that the basic assumption is that everything is ok. Its not. Everywhere I turn, someone has MS, or Crohns, or Lupus, or fibromyalgia, or a tumor in the thyroid, or bi polarism, or depression, or suicidal thoughts. It makes me ad, and proud of them all for fighting. But why cant we be one with these hurts, why do were hide them away where noone will see them? And how is it that it is touching everyone? Everyone. Probably you.
Well, I for one told very few people about it when I was sick, and noone got the complete story, that is my greatest fears that I was going to end up in an institution with an IV drip of thorazine for the next 60 years. Noone. Not even me really. You can imagine how panicking that is.
Somebody wrote me and said, metnal distress is the worst kind of suffering, because it is both invisible and at the center of you being.
Here here.
But my apologies to the people who love me and who would have heard me out, and with whom I shared my hopes, but not my fears. Sick is like that. We retreat inside oursleves, and hold out breaths. We are stripped of our humanity in large degree and act like wounded animals.
Well, that's a downer of a close to what was to be an uplifting post.
M.
Today was pristine. Absolutely no symptoms at all. This is the 4th days of this since 1998. hooo ray for me. Happy sanity day. I spent it running errands. And you know what, they were the most fuifilling and happy errands I have run in years.
I want to talk to a psychologist, I just feel like being crazy for 8 years might require some discussion, but I have read that it is not recommended until the disperceptions cease. Did you get that? I am so crazy, that I may forgive myself for doing things I have never done, or something like that. Actually, I have to tell you, that I see the sanguinity in that. So many of the obsessive problems of the last few years are not even relevant. Still, I think I will want a midlife crisis at some point. In fact, probably soon, but maybe that too will pass.
When you are certifiable, you learn not to trust your emotions. Actually you learn not to trust what you see or hear wither. That's a mind fuck. You get sad, and you don't give into it, because hey, it might be a passing depressive episode. Someone makes you angry, and you say nothing because, hey, you might not have understood what they said. Or be off it. Sucks really. I learned to just act as if there other person was right, apologize a lot, and sort things out later. It sometimes took months till you had a clear day and could think it through. Your head gets so congested. Then I would write the conclusions down so I could refer to it when I was in the hole again. Jesus, that sounds awful. Wow.
It seems like now that I am discussing this openly with people, being schizophrenic, the stories pour in. And they pour in from everywhere. I am taken aback sometimes by the amount of hurt and suffering in the world, and the fact that the basic assumption is that everything is ok. Its not. Everywhere I turn, someone has MS, or Crohns, or Lupus, or fibromyalgia, or a tumor in the thyroid, or bi polarism, or depression, or suicidal thoughts. It makes me ad, and proud of them all for fighting. But why cant we be one with these hurts, why do were hide them away where noone will see them? And how is it that it is touching everyone? Everyone. Probably you.
Well, I for one told very few people about it when I was sick, and noone got the complete story, that is my greatest fears that I was going to end up in an institution with an IV drip of thorazine for the next 60 years. Noone. Not even me really. You can imagine how panicking that is.
Somebody wrote me and said, metnal distress is the worst kind of suffering, because it is both invisible and at the center of you being.
Here here.
But my apologies to the people who love me and who would have heard me out, and with whom I shared my hopes, but not my fears. Sick is like that. We retreat inside oursleves, and hold out breaths. We are stripped of our humanity in large degree and act like wounded animals.
Well, that's a downer of a close to what was to be an uplifting post.
M.
posted by warnerk | 10:02 AM
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