Transfer #10

Subject: Do you have a soul? Posted Date: Thursday, January 19, 2006 - 12:41 AM

this is from a blog I follow. The guy is an econ professor at Irvine. His wife is dying-so his concern occasionally surfaces in the blog. Read it from bottom to top- I cannot format for shit.

Art- I picked up your blog to learn about biomechanics. I ended up learning about love. Thank you.

[warning: if this does not wreck you- you might not have a soul]

Permissions

January 18, 2006 07:31 PM

I gave my wife permission to die yesterday. She need not stay alive for me or anyone but herself.

I promised to be there for that passage to her final destination.

We had 50 years together. More than most are given or choose.

I thank you for your kind comments.

I grant permission to anyone to archive or otherwise preserve the blog content.

You know the way that I will follow from this point forward.

An Empty House

January 16, 2006 01:44 PM

Home to an empty house.

I placed my wife in the hospice today. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with, including my son's diagnosis of diabetes at the age of 2 in the dead of a harsh Chicago winter or my daughter's first epileptic seizure.

But, with hard things come sweet things and moments to cherish. As they were testing my wife's memory they pointed to various people or things and asked what are they, who are they.

They pointed to me and asked Bonnie in a kidding way, who is this guy? You could see her big smile even with her bowed head and she said with so much sweetness and joy, "He's my love."

I almost broke up right there, but I was so happy at her joy and obvious love for me that I smiled through the sadness of it all. She has loved me so completely and with such complete trust that I could never fail her.

This is a fitting moment to end the blog. Good health and good wishes to all of you.

Its the Ice Cream

January 13, 2006 07:32 PM

I spent the larger part of the day looking for a place to care for my wife. She has progressed to a state beyond my capabilities to manage. I found one and came home feeling kind of depressed and a bit like a traitor. I had determined to keep her at home as long as I could. Now, after months of little sleep and a loss of about 15 pounds (not a big deal, as my stress response is to eat less and that is good for it triggers repair and maintenance, just what I need). But, I caught my first cold in more than 20 years going into the hospital late night after night. And staying up most of the night to keep her from falling when she got up.

She came out of the bedroom with the help of her aide and hugged my neck. We had a moment like when we were first dating. I even got a bit weepy, one of the first moments I have had since her first hospitalization in April, one of five. I am walking a tight line in her care. If I give her too much insulin, she could have an insulin shock reaction and die. If I give her too little, and the steroids she is on make her insulin resistant (body builders beware, it is true) so that she requires more than usual, she will become keto-acidotic. Both are lethal conditions. Either way, I could become a Carol Chessman (I may have the name wrong, but a doctor accused of killing his wife with a lethal injection of insulin) kind of case. If I make a mistake or poor choice and she, in her weakened condition dies, it could leave me vulnerable to either charge. Better to have her where this is not an issue, though it is not an issue as I have managed her insulin expertly and faithfully for over 20 years. And my son's too.

But though this may weigh on me, not her. She is totally grounded in the here and now. I should have been more of a realist, as she is.

I prepared a dinner of Minestrone soup for her and a big dinner for myself. But, the only thing that kept her at the table and got her attention was the Ice Cream I promised her after dinner. I had spent the dinner trying to tell her that she was going into a nice place not far where she could be taken care of. But, that didn't get her attention. All she could focus on was the ice cream.

I thought, what kind of economist are you to not recognize the power of the tangible and immediate relative to memories of the past or possibilities of the future. So, it became, for me, a lighter moment than it had been. And a further recognition of the power of economics and the narrow focus of one who is so near death.

I am determined to be more responsive to her here and now. That is all she has and all any of us have. Why is that so hard to see?

In a weak moment, I lost track of my wallet, something I have done no more than a couple of times in our years of marriage and dating, almost 50 now. It turned out that I dropped it in meeting the hospice person in a place near a remote off ramp on the way to look at the place I chose to put her. I was just going to call credit card companies and such when I got a phone call from a man who found it. He is driving all the way back from Hurricane to meet me, 9 miles, from his way to Hilldale, the Mormon community about 30 miles out of town. Another moment that I will value from this day. It was a relief not to have to deal with the lost wallet on top of it all. A great young man returned it just for the pleasure of helping someone. I have some issues with the Fundamentalist Mormon treatment of women and young men, but not with Mormons in general or any religion for that matter. This young man was a gift to me at a time when I had so much to deal with.

To top off a remarkable, sad and surprisingly pleasant day, my collection of Laurel and Hardy films arrived late today. My movie for tonight, A Chump at Oxford. I had the European version sent from the UK because I heard the quality was superior to what is sold here. The quality is superb when seen on my computer. I can't say anything about the domestic version except that its reviews were not good on the video quality.

Like I said, its going to be a great and sad year. Today was a perfect example. My excessive sadness over what is likely the last weekend with my wife when what mattered most to her was the ice cream. And a fine young man going out of his way to return my wallet. A day I will remember and value.

I should have known; its the ice cream, stupid.

A New Year

December 31, 2005 07:45 PM

The blog, in spite of my low activity of late, went to just over 3.3 million hits. Visitors from 108 countries have been here. Like everything, its been a challenge and a pleasure and I am grateful for the response.

I face a year in which my wife will likely die. I do not worry or obsess over it. I have to face it for her sake, for I am the only chance she has for survival. My realism and Bayesian outlook is a great source of strength. I am totally grounded in the reality of her situation and her disease. I have read nearly everything there is to know about it and try to make the best choices for her health. It isn't easy, but I don't feel sorry or cheated. We were together for nearly 50 years and I have loved her since I first met her in Barnes Park at an evening concert. She was sitting on a blanket with her boyfriend and my heart and mind stopped. Even now, when she is stooped and mentally limited, I still love her like I did then.

I may outlive several wives and even children. Who knows? I hope not. But, chance and time determine these things, not my imaginings or hopes.

Both my mother and my wife told me today that they want to go home. An odd coincidence that speaks to their condition; they want to go back to a time and place when they were healthy and happy. I am caught between two women who were so important in my life who are dying. It should be hard, but it isn't if you are a realist. I see the reality and deal with it. No regrets. No pity. No depression. These are things that are not grounded in reality. They involve wishes and hope, not what is.

I spend a lot of time alone now...