transfer #6
Subject: yeah Posted Date: Sunday, January 15, 2006 - 9:15 AM
seriously, who knew. I thought that the safe mode for the blog, or did they call it private, meant i could kind of use the thing for a journal without the public having to take a spin on my little self pity carosel. Wow. Was I misinformed. So, I took this all to paper for a while and kept all the thoughts to myself. But what the fuck. I mean serously, who am I fooling. Anyone who is bored enough to be swimming through myspace blogs must already have some serious issues so what am I afraid of offending.
Slowly going sane.
Strangest thing really. I adjusted the supplements that I take in response to the newest lab results and what do you know, it is starting to work. For those of you who have gotten this far, its called orthomolecular physchiatry, the concept that brain chemical imbalances can be repaired- as opposed to covered as is the case with the lovely peddlings of Pfizer et al- through the addition of the right amount and combination of nutrients. You see that was important to me. To get things working properly. 1- I never had much luck with conventional pharmacopia, that is unless you call curled in a corner sobbing hearing disembodied voices a rousing sucess, and 2- I hope to have kids and to the extent that noone will tell me this is not genetic, I need to have answers when they too start to hear things and see things that noone else does. besides that, there is the alure of letting your bosy repair itself and the fact that nothing that I am taking comes with "side effects" like, say, thorazine might. yes its a delicate two step, step one, stay out of the looney bin, step 2, avoid bleeding out of your anus. but I digress.
Anyway, now I am taking enough folic acid to cure neural tube defects at 50 meters, and I counted 25 pills at breakfast, 5 for lunch, and god knows how many for dinner, as digestives. Mmmm. This is EXACTLY how I wanted to spend my 30s. But it beats how I spent my 20s...lying in dark rooms doing breathing meditations to keep the pain and depression at bay. I still dont go out much, and I am still nuts, but less so every day. So, I have been slowly going sane. Day by day the wall of misfortune backs away slowly. It is strange what the distance shows you. 2 years ago, someone who is no longer a part of my life asked me how well recovered I was. 85% I told her. Well, ask me that today, when I am about 1000 times better, and I will tell you 85%. Indeed, the human minds capacity for optimistic delusion is truly wonderous.
The weird thing about paranoia, is that you seldom know you have it until it backs away. You mean not everyone assumes that everything is their fault, that everyone in a room is looking at them, and that its all coming down right now? wow. What a revelation. It nice to be back though. Man, life is more fun when everyone is not out to get you.
but its the minutae that I will never be able to accurately capture for you all that are truly humbling. I feel difffernt every day, better, more true. Today, I realized what it felt like to be a normal perseon walking down a street, cofee in hadn (not that I was drinking cofee, but I am under the impression that normal people do, otherwise, why all the cafes?), and budling from the cold. It was so peaceful. No voices, no crushing weight, just silence, or simple thought, and awareness of teh world around. Try it some time...oh wait, you already do.
seriously, who knew. I thought that the safe mode for the blog, or did they call it private, meant i could kind of use the thing for a journal without the public having to take a spin on my little self pity carosel. Wow. Was I misinformed. So, I took this all to paper for a while and kept all the thoughts to myself. But what the fuck. I mean serously, who am I fooling. Anyone who is bored enough to be swimming through myspace blogs must already have some serious issues so what am I afraid of offending.
Slowly going sane.
Strangest thing really. I adjusted the supplements that I take in response to the newest lab results and what do you know, it is starting to work. For those of you who have gotten this far, its called orthomolecular physchiatry, the concept that brain chemical imbalances can be repaired- as opposed to covered as is the case with the lovely peddlings of Pfizer et al- through the addition of the right amount and combination of nutrients. You see that was important to me. To get things working properly. 1- I never had much luck with conventional pharmacopia, that is unless you call curled in a corner sobbing hearing disembodied voices a rousing sucess, and 2- I hope to have kids and to the extent that noone will tell me this is not genetic, I need to have answers when they too start to hear things and see things that noone else does. besides that, there is the alure of letting your bosy repair itself and the fact that nothing that I am taking comes with "side effects" like, say, thorazine might. yes its a delicate two step, step one, stay out of the looney bin, step 2, avoid bleeding out of your anus. but I digress.
Anyway, now I am taking enough folic acid to cure neural tube defects at 50 meters, and I counted 25 pills at breakfast, 5 for lunch, and god knows how many for dinner, as digestives. Mmmm. This is EXACTLY how I wanted to spend my 30s. But it beats how I spent my 20s...lying in dark rooms doing breathing meditations to keep the pain and depression at bay. I still dont go out much, and I am still nuts, but less so every day. So, I have been slowly going sane. Day by day the wall of misfortune backs away slowly. It is strange what the distance shows you. 2 years ago, someone who is no longer a part of my life asked me how well recovered I was. 85% I told her. Well, ask me that today, when I am about 1000 times better, and I will tell you 85%. Indeed, the human minds capacity for optimistic delusion is truly wonderous.
The weird thing about paranoia, is that you seldom know you have it until it backs away. You mean not everyone assumes that everything is their fault, that everyone in a room is looking at them, and that its all coming down right now? wow. What a revelation. It nice to be back though. Man, life is more fun when everyone is not out to get you.
but its the minutae that I will never be able to accurately capture for you all that are truly humbling. I feel difffernt every day, better, more true. Today, I realized what it felt like to be a normal perseon walking down a street, cofee in hadn (not that I was drinking cofee, but I am under the impression that normal people do, otherwise, why all the cafes?), and budling from the cold. It was so peaceful. No voices, no crushing weight, just silence, or simple thought, and awareness of teh world around. Try it some time...oh wait, you already do.
posted by warnerk | 8:58 AM
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