Transfer #1
[editors note- this is cut and pasted from an old blog of mine. I had to reformat it, so if you see off syntax try to work through it].
Subject: This is crazy, but so am I. Posted Date: Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 4:58 AM
Wow, this seems like a horrid idea. These are the secrets that my protestant ubringing would blush before airing in public. So for now...it is just between me and myself you have to know this...I am insane. Cant candy coat that. By dulling its impact, you take away its meaning.
I am nuts, the whole thing, the voices, the disperceptions, even the paranoia. it sucks. moving on. Learned some new things today: Dopamine increases your desire for fresh stimulation. That could explain a lot right? Histamine, actually the amino acid histidine, and we will have to assume in part the neurotransmitter histamine, detoxifies the body. Maybe that is why I feel so....variable all the time, and why quitting my supplments for a couple fo days made me feel great. Maybe I am detoxifying copper, aluminum, mercury and lead too quickly. Maybe that is why my liver enzymes are elevated. Maybe that is why the additional C seemed to help. Maybe, maybe maybe, always maybe.More on histamine: low histamine is correlated with poor copper excretion. The amino acid l-histidine is a histamine precursor that acts as a copper, iron, nickel, and zinc chelator and improves digestion. It acts as an inhibitory neurotransmitter that increases alpha wave activity, taming excessive beta wave activity (it's calming), lowers blood pressure, boosts T cell activity, and fights rheumatoid arthritis. Histamine is the brain's pacemaker, and H3 receptors modulate serotonin and dopamine as well as increasing oxytocin. It increases activity in large brain areas. Hey- you all remember alpha waves? that is the crculating rythm of relaxation. The state in which we are trying to achieve in Skilled Relaxation. The state in which the hypothalmus discharges stress at a 20-24:1 rate compared to sleep [Delta waves predominant]
I wrote this horrid thing: Its beeen a sh*tty day, and I am really frustrated. I am so tired. I am so tired of all this. I used to be hungry, but fear of food reactivity has numbed me, and I fear the next meal as much as I fear hunger. I am tired of having food and hunger as my enemies. I am tired of being tired at work, and waiting for each day to end, so that I can go home and rest for the next day. I am tired of feeling like I am getting by, just doing enough to survive until the next day. I am tired of being exhausted, of each flight of stairs being an effort, dressing leaving me winded, running, standing, turning a page all making my spirit recoil from the effort. I am tired of monitoring how I feel, and tired of the disspointment when it shifts again with the wind. I am tired of the depression, and the lassitude that comes with it. I am tired of the never ending search for a better treatment. I am tired of waiting for a better day. I am tired of the efffort it takes to decipher reality from the rolling sea of false imput I am getting in, I am tired of not knowing which way is truly up. I am tired with not perceiving things right. I am tired of stumbling and being clumbsy. I am tired of being in conversations with people and feeling myslef floating away. I am tired of having to think with my brain feeling like it is packed with cotton. I am tired of the isolation, I am tired of the fear, tired of never being able to plan for tommorow, never able to built, of having plans and buildings wiped away in tumultuous cascades of illness. I am tired of being sad, being staid of feeling alone. I am so tired, and I am tired of it.
I am tired of sucking at my job, when I know I can be good. I am tired of telling everyone I don’t drink, and avoiding dinner invitations. I am tired of trying to correct my posture to weep out a joule of energy, I am tired of shaking at night, tired of having to eat to get to sleep, tired of the insomnia, tired of never being able to complete a thought in my head. I am tired of playing the part of me, I am tired of saying the things I would if I were well, but I am not, so inside I just go 'Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh'. I am tired of fighting the tears. I am tired of suspecting that this is as good as it gets. I am tired of having to fight this on my own. I am tired of not laughing anymore; I used to laugh so much.
Its been 8 years now. 8 Years. And it looks like it is going to be a lifetime of this. God. You can spend your money and your energy and your hopes in so many ways, and eventually you run out of each of them.
Subject: This is crazy, but so am I. Posted Date: Thursday, December 08, 2005 - 4:58 AM
Wow, this seems like a horrid idea. These are the secrets that my protestant ubringing would blush before airing in public. So for now...it is just between me and myself you have to know this...I am insane. Cant candy coat that. By dulling its impact, you take away its meaning.
I am nuts, the whole thing, the voices, the disperceptions, even the paranoia. it sucks. moving on. Learned some new things today: Dopamine increases your desire for fresh stimulation. That could explain a lot right? Histamine, actually the amino acid histidine, and we will have to assume in part the neurotransmitter histamine, detoxifies the body. Maybe that is why I feel so....variable all the time, and why quitting my supplments for a couple fo days made me feel great. Maybe I am detoxifying copper, aluminum, mercury and lead too quickly. Maybe that is why my liver enzymes are elevated. Maybe that is why the additional C seemed to help. Maybe, maybe maybe, always maybe.More on histamine: low histamine is correlated with poor copper excretion. The amino acid l-histidine is a histamine precursor that acts as a copper, iron, nickel, and zinc chelator and improves digestion. It acts as an inhibitory neurotransmitter that increases alpha wave activity, taming excessive beta wave activity (it's calming), lowers blood pressure, boosts T cell activity, and fights rheumatoid arthritis. Histamine is the brain's pacemaker, and H3 receptors modulate serotonin and dopamine as well as increasing oxytocin. It increases activity in large brain areas. Hey- you all remember alpha waves? that is the crculating rythm of relaxation. The state in which we are trying to achieve in Skilled Relaxation. The state in which the hypothalmus discharges stress at a 20-24:1 rate compared to sleep [Delta waves predominant]
I wrote this horrid thing: Its beeen a sh*tty day, and I am really frustrated. I am so tired. I am so tired of all this. I used to be hungry, but fear of food reactivity has numbed me, and I fear the next meal as much as I fear hunger. I am tired of having food and hunger as my enemies. I am tired of being tired at work, and waiting for each day to end, so that I can go home and rest for the next day. I am tired of feeling like I am getting by, just doing enough to survive until the next day. I am tired of being exhausted, of each flight of stairs being an effort, dressing leaving me winded, running, standing, turning a page all making my spirit recoil from the effort. I am tired of monitoring how I feel, and tired of the disspointment when it shifts again with the wind. I am tired of the depression, and the lassitude that comes with it. I am tired of the never ending search for a better treatment. I am tired of waiting for a better day. I am tired of the efffort it takes to decipher reality from the rolling sea of false imput I am getting in, I am tired of not knowing which way is truly up. I am tired with not perceiving things right. I am tired of stumbling and being clumbsy. I am tired of being in conversations with people and feeling myslef floating away. I am tired of having to think with my brain feeling like it is packed with cotton. I am tired of the isolation, I am tired of the fear, tired of never being able to plan for tommorow, never able to built, of having plans and buildings wiped away in tumultuous cascades of illness. I am tired of being sad, being staid of feeling alone. I am so tired, and I am tired of it.
I am tired of sucking at my job, when I know I can be good. I am tired of telling everyone I don’t drink, and avoiding dinner invitations. I am tired of trying to correct my posture to weep out a joule of energy, I am tired of shaking at night, tired of having to eat to get to sleep, tired of the insomnia, tired of never being able to complete a thought in my head. I am tired of playing the part of me, I am tired of saying the things I would if I were well, but I am not, so inside I just go 'Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh'. I am tired of fighting the tears. I am tired of suspecting that this is as good as it gets. I am tired of having to fight this on my own. I am tired of not laughing anymore; I used to laugh so much.
Its been 8 years now. 8 Years. And it looks like it is going to be a lifetime of this. God. You can spend your money and your energy and your hopes in so many ways, and eventually you run out of each of them.
posted by warnerk | 8:19 AM
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