Transfer #9
Subject: friends and lovers Posted Date: Sunday, January 15, 2006 - 9:34 AM
To those of you not already accustom to my tendency toward melodrama, I want to be clear on a couple points.
When I say I hear things, its not as fun as it sounds. I mean, there is no well modulated all present voice telling me to kill my dog, or eat paint, or vote for George Bush. Its just that where I think most people have an internal monologue, I will sometimes get a dialogue. You know "...mmmm this looks good/don't eat that" that sort of thing. It is usually the same as the normal internal narrator, its just that it is more negative and abusive. Now, if you tell me you do not have an internal monologue, then I am truly fucking out of my skull.
Only twice have I heard things that were disembodied and foreign. Once in the parking lot of the harris teetter in Cville VA, while listening to the radio one summer, I began to hear laughter. All around. I was, as you would be, terrified. I was afraid that they wanted me to laugh- enter the paranoia- but hat if I laughed with them, I would truly lose my mind. That was a rough moment in the life of being me. The second time was when a doctor I was working with prescribed me prosaic. I have since learned that histapenics cannot tolerate SSRIs. I wish I knew this sooner. I took that stuff and that night, I began to hear foot steps around me bed, and the sound of someone getting closer, I turned on the lights, and noone was there, but I could hear him. He whispered horrible things. I could not hear them, but I was scared shitless. I huddled in a corner and waited for the half life ot pass. Actually, I wept like a child and rocked back and forth and all that movie stuff, but you were not there and you cannot prove it, so for the record, I was really sober and cool about it.
and about seeing things. I don't see things like elevators of blood, or children who have died. I like to call it special disperse. Its just that when I walk, the side walk can look like its moving. Sometimes, at work, sitting in a chair, it feels like I am on a roller coaster. Its goes on like this. People seem really far away, many things do, and then some of them semi so close. I often would stand inappropriately closely to someone, or far to far away. It was not fun at all. I was very clumbsy (see sidewalk, above), and stumbled and knocking into things. Other than that, no floating dog heads or chrome rabbits.
Speaking of Chrome rabbits, I must say, being crazy kind of spoils the fun of movies about crazy people. And there are a lot of them. Just the other week, there was Donnie Darko, and the Aviator, but the list goes on and on. I liked the Hours, but sometimes the movie produces confuse symptoms. And that is both lazy and insulting.
Well, that's all for now.&
To those of you not already accustom to my tendency toward melodrama, I want to be clear on a couple points.
When I say I hear things, its not as fun as it sounds. I mean, there is no well modulated all present voice telling me to kill my dog, or eat paint, or vote for George Bush. Its just that where I think most people have an internal monologue, I will sometimes get a dialogue. You know "...mmmm this looks good/don't eat that" that sort of thing. It is usually the same as the normal internal narrator, its just that it is more negative and abusive. Now, if you tell me you do not have an internal monologue, then I am truly fucking out of my skull.
Only twice have I heard things that were disembodied and foreign. Once in the parking lot of the harris teetter in Cville VA, while listening to the radio one summer, I began to hear laughter. All around. I was, as you would be, terrified. I was afraid that they wanted me to laugh- enter the paranoia- but hat if I laughed with them, I would truly lose my mind. That was a rough moment in the life of being me. The second time was when a doctor I was working with prescribed me prosaic. I have since learned that histapenics cannot tolerate SSRIs. I wish I knew this sooner. I took that stuff and that night, I began to hear foot steps around me bed, and the sound of someone getting closer, I turned on the lights, and noone was there, but I could hear him. He whispered horrible things. I could not hear them, but I was scared shitless. I huddled in a corner and waited for the half life ot pass. Actually, I wept like a child and rocked back and forth and all that movie stuff, but you were not there and you cannot prove it, so for the record, I was really sober and cool about it.
and about seeing things. I don't see things like elevators of blood, or children who have died. I like to call it special disperse. Its just that when I walk, the side walk can look like its moving. Sometimes, at work, sitting in a chair, it feels like I am on a roller coaster. Its goes on like this. People seem really far away, many things do, and then some of them semi so close. I often would stand inappropriately closely to someone, or far to far away. It was not fun at all. I was very clumbsy (see sidewalk, above), and stumbled and knocking into things. Other than that, no floating dog heads or chrome rabbits.
Speaking of Chrome rabbits, I must say, being crazy kind of spoils the fun of movies about crazy people. And there are a lot of them. Just the other week, there was Donnie Darko, and the Aviator, but the list goes on and on. I liked the Hours, but sometimes the movie produces confuse symptoms. And that is both lazy and insulting.
Well, that's all for now.&
posted by warnerk | 9:40 AM
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