transfer #8
Subject: another day Posted Date: Wednesday, January 18, 2006 - 12:49 AM
Its really a shame I started this right as I started to really improve. Actually, strangley, now that the end might be in site, I have to scknowledge that there are new, welcome, but perhaps uncomfortable tasks ahead now.
like what to do with the missing 8 years.
For eight years every day has been reigned in by the problems in my head. That is not to say that I never enjoyed myslef. I have. It is just that I could not take a deep breathe in the world, feel relaxation or plan for the future. Sometimes, or course, I would miss whole weeks in depressive hazes, each day's goal being to make it to bed that night. But even when the depression was not king, interactions were painful, I longed for isolation, and I was turned so inward concentrating on the inner disperceptions and hiding from overstimulation, that I was overwhelmed and truly, on balance, feel like the last few years was in many ways, experienced only through a haze of pain and discomfort.
So what do I do with it?
Do I make it up? and what would that mean? I missed out on formative years. All those lengthy discussions with friends? gone. Those late nights out partying? gone. A developement of who I am and what I like? all gone. I have no idea what the hell I like or prefer. All that I cut down as my ego fled from the horror inside my head. I carved down my essential requirements so low, so slow, that the illness might not notic eme nad pass me over unmolested. I became flexible to the extreme, becuase I needed every calorie of energy just to climb stairs. I was a hermit, becuase being with people was just slightly more painful than being without them.
Think about what you did during your twenties. Yeah. I have no idea what that was like. I ate in restuarants 4 times in a 2 year period, did not drink did not go out. I grew quitely accustom to having any hopes or expectations kicked out from under me. And now? Now I am suppsoed to know what I want to do? I am a fucking child.
Do I try to double up on life? That should bring me to speed by 50. But what on earth is that? dating like a maniac? holding two jobs? living like a 21 year old eating pizza and playing sega? Buying sports cars? Tkaing spring breaks no, seriously, all the poeple I care about and all the people who make me who I am have been through that and they are not coming to do it again. There is someone very special in my life, and regardless of how unsure I feel about what I am supposed to do, I know I dont want to lose her.
Perhaps I will make this up while you are all having your late life, existential, what-does-it-all-mean, crisises.I mean, I came to terms with death.There was a time I lived on momentum alone.There was a time I would have welcomed it. There was a time I woke up with a stack of letters to my best friends by the bed explaining that I loved them. So maybe while you all are hainv gyour faith shaken and fearing what is beyond, not ina na aabstract way, but in a personal way, maybe then I will have my x-box and late night dive bar escapades.
Or maybe I will always be a little bent.
Or maybe all this really doesnt matter as much as I think it does right now.
stay tuned. or dont. In fact, you probably shouldnt.
Its really a shame I started this right as I started to really improve. Actually, strangley, now that the end might be in site, I have to scknowledge that there are new, welcome, but perhaps uncomfortable tasks ahead now.
like what to do with the missing 8 years.
For eight years every day has been reigned in by the problems in my head. That is not to say that I never enjoyed myslef. I have. It is just that I could not take a deep breathe in the world, feel relaxation or plan for the future. Sometimes, or course, I would miss whole weeks in depressive hazes, each day's goal being to make it to bed that night. But even when the depression was not king, interactions were painful, I longed for isolation, and I was turned so inward concentrating on the inner disperceptions and hiding from overstimulation, that I was overwhelmed and truly, on balance, feel like the last few years was in many ways, experienced only through a haze of pain and discomfort.
So what do I do with it?
Do I make it up? and what would that mean? I missed out on formative years. All those lengthy discussions with friends? gone. Those late nights out partying? gone. A developement of who I am and what I like? all gone. I have no idea what the hell I like or prefer. All that I cut down as my ego fled from the horror inside my head. I carved down my essential requirements so low, so slow, that the illness might not notic eme nad pass me over unmolested. I became flexible to the extreme, becuase I needed every calorie of energy just to climb stairs. I was a hermit, becuase being with people was just slightly more painful than being without them.
Think about what you did during your twenties. Yeah. I have no idea what that was like. I ate in restuarants 4 times in a 2 year period, did not drink did not go out. I grew quitely accustom to having any hopes or expectations kicked out from under me. And now? Now I am suppsoed to know what I want to do? I am a fucking child.
Do I try to double up on life? That should bring me to speed by 50. But what on earth is that? dating like a maniac? holding two jobs? living like a 21 year old eating pizza and playing sega? Buying sports cars? Tkaing spring breaks no, seriously, all the poeple I care about and all the people who make me who I am have been through that and they are not coming to do it again. There is someone very special in my life, and regardless of how unsure I feel about what I am supposed to do, I know I dont want to lose her.
Perhaps I will make this up while you are all having your late life, existential, what-does-it-all-mean, crisises.I mean, I came to terms with death.There was a time I lived on momentum alone.There was a time I would have welcomed it. There was a time I woke up with a stack of letters to my best friends by the bed explaining that I loved them. So maybe while you all are hainv gyour faith shaken and fearing what is beyond, not ina na aabstract way, but in a personal way, maybe then I will have my x-box and late night dive bar escapades.
Or maybe I will always be a little bent.
Or maybe all this really doesnt matter as much as I think it does right now.
stay tuned. or dont. In fact, you probably shouldnt.
posted by warnerk | 9:14 AM
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