transfer #11, or is it 12

Subject: should I apologize? Posted Date: Friday, January 27, 2006 - 2:16 AM

Here is an interesting question...Should I apologize

They say that until schizophrenia is completely treated, that psychological counseling is unadvisedly, for the fact that you will be encouraged to confront and come to terms with actions that might be motivated by errors in your perception. That makes sense. But as I get to health, I wonder if I need to apologize. I mean, I have been crappy to a lot of people, most of them not in my life any longer, and some of them, I was crappy on my terms, with others, as the fog rolls back , I sit and feel horrible for the way I treated them that made so much sense at the time.

I have always known I was sick. A rare trait in hebephrenic schizoids. I knew the stuff was not coming in right and if you talked to me then you probably remember me broadcasting that I was not right. This led to my unquestioning abeyance of other peoples preferences and idiosyncrasies. I felt that mine were clearly the product of flawed mental processes that changed often and from which I must recover- thus I was willing to obey those of others because I had no grounds to judge their reasonableness. You probably remember me telling you I did not know the motivations for many of my actions. Well, I didn't all the time. Things howled to be done, but frankly, a lot of them don't make sense now. Or at least the motivations do not. Once the motivations are understood in terms of the illness, then my reactions were quite reasonable and defensible.

but should I apologize.

Paranoids suspect, or are certain, that all people will leave them or betray them. Thus they trust only themselves. In my relationships, I seemed to often end up with people who needed me very much, or I could walk away from at any time. I suppose that is pretty common really, but the motivations were a little more transparent for me. I never trusted them. I found my mind taking little snapshots of suspicious behavior that hinted at leaving me, then I would drop people. It was hard on them at a time they were only being themselves.

Do I apologize? I doubt an apology would mean much to them, but would it mean anything to me? I wonder. Maybe not. Other people do dumb things all the time. They do things based on insecurities and misunderstandings. They grow up, and they do not go back and apologize to those people. Maybe that is it, give myself some space and realize that I was doing my best. I suppose the only fault lay in not talking to people about what was going on with me. But how can you really? I mean, mental health is still so taboo, or else we are condemend for not sorting it out in therapy. Let me tell you, when the walls make noises, therapy does not help. That's melodramatic, but honestly for as much as Freud has done for emotions and the ascendancy of the mind, it has deemphasized that is it just one more organ in the body and it can go dreadfully wrong on its own.

Psychosomatic- the effect of the mind on the body AND the body on the mind.

But sometimes I still feel like I wasted a lot of people's time. If one was yours, I don't know if I apologize to you as I was doing as best I could, but please don't judge too harshly that which you do not understand. Its convenient, but not fair.

I note that people read this blog- and that they don't leave comments. The anonymity is kind of cool. I think that is what we all, unltimately, want with our journals- that they are read, but we know not by whom. Thanks.