Transfer #...19?

Subject: sometimes it sucks a little... Posted Date: Wednesday, March 01, 2006 - 12:30 AM

And sometimes it sucks a lot.

Today, and yesterday, it has sucked a lot.

The thing that noone seems to focus on is the exhaustion, yet it is a primary feature of hebephrenic shizophrenia. I get so tired. So tired I cannot think. I cannot move. I just want to sleep and sleep and lie still. This used to not pass. When I was in NYC, I used to have to rest going up stairs. I used to pant from walking. These days, when it gets bad, I have similar experiences. Today I noticed I was winded from pushing open the door to the firm. A heavy door, no doubt, but come on. I get so exhausted that I can register notably the extra work that a heavy coat takes.

Yes, its whining time.

Yesterday I hit a wall. Another dark time. About 4 it settled in. My mind went smooth. Just totally featureless. The drepression waddled in and rising panic. And here I sit. Its not as bad as it was before, years ago, when the depression would escalate and I would cling to anything that I could to refuse the siren call of release. It is just unpleasant now. I notice that nomatter how much I sleep, I am still tired.

My mind races, and stops, so that everything is a blur. And yes, the monologue becomes, on occasion, a dialogue. Nothing I really notice at first, but every once in a while, I realize that my narrator is inspiring me to do things that are filled with fear and doubt, and then I notice there are two narrators. This sucks. But we have been over that.

It is days like these when I know I want to quit my job and just convalesce. I would have years ago, but I didn't think I was going to get better. Its easy to take time off to get better if you are convinced you will. I wasn't. But now I am, although I don't know what that means fully. It makes it harder to stay at work, when you know that these horrible days will one day soon pass. It makes it harder to hold on with tenacious persistence.

I can feel the muscles bound up in tension awaiting a blow that will not come. They are anxious from fears that are a product of my imagination, but which I cannot turn off. This is exhausting. I am swimming right now, I can feel my body moving back and forth, even though I know I am not really moving. My vision flattens, and features are hard to pick out. It feel slice if you squint, you could bring vision into focus, but it isn't my vision, its life that is out of focus.

Life stretches out flat and cool and grey, without meaning, or inspiration. I know this will pass, it always does, but it is moments like these when the rising panic threatens to overtake me. Will I ever be normal? Will I ever be able to resume the life which was interrupted? Will I always have to cater to my health? Will I always be so feeble?

Last night was really rough. Today threatens to be bad too. I hope to not get fired, but in many ways, I don't really care anymore.

On a positive note:

I had two meals out recently, one on Valentine's day, and the other last Saturday night. And, for the first time since I got sick, way back in 97, I didn't think about the effect it would have on my head but rather, whether it was tasty, or filling. The coolest thing was that I did not even realize that until last night.

Can you imagine?

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Subject: What DO they teach these people? Posted Date: Tuesday, February 28, 2006 - 6:12 AM

So, dear readers, I am calling you now to venture forth with me on a quest to find help. Not unlike Don Quixote, I will sally forth looking for resolution. That is, regrettably where the comparison ends...Well, that and Sri. Quixote and I are both mad.

I am beginning a search for a psychologist.

Why not a psychiatrist you didn't, but should, ask? Well, frankly, I don't trust them. They seem a little too quick on the pharmaceutical draw for my taste. Medicate first, treat later. Besides that, I think the physchiatrist label leaves them a little uncommitted to helping my mind where tendencies are to diagnose and treat. Step into their offices and its T minus whatever until they recommend you take a medication. Then, if you refuse, they scribble down on their pad that the patient is resistant to treatment. Well, bite me you pretentious *school's...I don't want any.

So, I need a psych, because I am getting sane and it is a weird weird thing. Certainly I have belabored that particular point far too often, so I will try to contain this post to my efforts thus far.

1) I called BC BS. My insurer. (this makes me the insured- a terrible dross fact learned while slaving at insurance claims in the Norther district tof Florida, Pensacola division). The woman was frightfully nice, and she gave me some names of local psychs. Honestly, I am lost. How do I know they will be good? I called one woman because, well, because she was close to work and worked evenings, and left a message. I heard nothing back. If she is true to form, I will need a face to face visit just to ascertain if she and I will get along.

what I would like is the opportunity to talk to these doctors for about 3 minutes before I commit to a meeting. I don't have the time or money to waste, and nor do they. I need to know if they have actual experience with treating recovering schizophrnics, hebephrenic type. Maybe that is too much to ask. It is certainly too much to ask that they themselves be a recovered schizophrenic. Not too many of those out there.

2) I queried the BCBS web site. This gave me noone near my office, making me question what the woman on the help line was looking at, but it did give me doctors within 2 miles who met my criteria.

One woman had a web article. She is also closest and specializes in psychology and does not use pharmaceutics in her treatments. She has a nice website and bad hair. I have worked with women before at UVA, and have absolutely zero problem with that as a client.

But now what...Call her? Write her? I want more information than the BCBS web site offers. I don't want to have to make an appointment. 2 miles is not that far, but it is currently 5 degrees outside and I would need to take buses. I would rather something near work.

3)...There is no three yet. I have a million friends in medicine. I might ask one of them. Ok, not a million, but 3 here in Boston alone. I would rather a recommendation than a blank email querry.

So that's it. That and working ungodly hours. The recovery is...Ok, but not as fast as I would like. The crazy disorganization is making doing my job very very hard. I hope it gets workable, before I get fired. I am certainly smart enough for this job, but letters, number sand facts dance in my brain. Its not pretty.

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Subject: Faithful readers Posted Date: Tuesday, February 07, 2006 - 12:42 AM

We have new readership. That makes this blog a little more nerve wracking to write than before, takes a little of the anonymity from it. I was hiding quite comfortably behind that, thank you very much. Ah well. Like my virginity and belief in god before it, life goes on, without it.

I am feeling superb today, thank you for asking. I have decided to keep on the higher dose. I will call the clinic and ask them their opinion, but so far they leave me free reign. They think that if I feel better, then go for it. Thanks. wow. Good to know someone is in this besides me. So, for now we will run with nearly 20 mg Foic acid daily. I bet I can prevent neural tube defects with a kiss.

My hands are shaking, but I don't think that is a response to the medication/supplementation. Its an emotional thing. And emotions, right now, are large and largely hard. But I am working hard and maybe that is a good thing.

I am slowly going sane. So many minds crack, but it is equally strange to feel it falling together.

Anyway...Busy day, but I thought those of you who might have been concerned about me, and not just here for the freak show, would like to know that even the mentally unbalanced have good days. I am, however, afraid that clarity will evade me when I need it most. I hope it holds out for this weekend.

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Subject: Cause and effect Posted Date: Wednesday, February 08, 2006 - 10:25 PM

Not a good day to write. I am under the gun at work. Expectations peer down on me and exhaustion is knocking resolutely at the door demanding my attention. But all the same, escapism has its virtue, and so, without further ado.

My metabolism, depressed for years, is recovering with the rest of me. This is not unexpected. Histamine controls metabolism. But my heavens. You get used to consuming a certain amount to maintain body weight for some years, and it is a complete surprise to see your face hollow and wasted on even more than that amount. I am eating all the time. Well, that's not true, I guess. I only eat once a day, but I have taken to eating a couple handfuls of nuts through the day to slow down the furnace.

When you are a fashion model, everyone watches what you eat. Everyone is looking for an eating disorder. You get small and wasted and everyone does the math. Noone bothers to take into account that you may walk 10-15 miles a day, or that you live on the road, eating only restaurant food, and don't have time to eat. For the most part, the models I know have a much better track record of eating in a realistic manner than, say, your average sorority girl. I mean, if you are a 16 year old girl who is 6'2 and 120 lbs, guess what, you are a genetic freak. Its a self selecting industry, weird as that sounds. People who have feel they have to work at looking a certain way are not mentally going to hack it. The people who survive are the people who could care less.

That said, as I got more and more ill, my metabolism crept downward. I was cold all the time. I ate almost nothing and maintained body weight. Most hebephrenics are over weight, carrying their weight in their lower extremes. So I had food issues, but they came from the inside out---simple reactions to certain biological realities.

Now, I am back to as I was a kid. "warm blodded". I used to play in the snow in shorts. A lot fo that has to do with the gross stupidity of being a kid, but I was also always warm. I wonder if I will get all the way back there? I reckon' I will.

The last two days have been dead clear, if exhausted. I usually crash after too many days of this, and will, but I have a feeling I am somewhere good right now. I am planning on health, ETA---new years 2007. I should be substantially healed in May of this year. Wow. It feels surreal to write that.

someone asked me if I wanted to meet other schizos, of if I had friends or a support group. I have one friend who is dealing with something similar, but honestly, most schzos are too far gone to expect to find health, and most of them would rather be sick. I don't have time for that. I have a life to live. I am glad to act as a resource, but so few people in my condition recover, I would rather put my resources into being normal again, and not reliving the past.

I have a lot of catching up to do. I am looking forward to it all.

Jus tremember kids, whatever is going on with you, its yours.

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Subject: under the gun Posted Date: Tuesday, February 14, 2006 - 4:42 AM

Deadlines looming like...Well, things that loom. Not much time, but I want to note that yesterday was ll but lost to a nasty case of dead head. I could not make things go in and once in, they did not work. Basically a wasted day in the office. The heavy exhaustion was there too, as it was before, dragging me down. You think sleep will get you over it, but you are wrong. I have slept before and vacationed, but nothing overcomes that exhaustion but healing from teh schizo. I think it is a by product of the over active norepinephrine. My adrenal get so devastated, andnext thing you know I am panting heading up stairs, and my hands shake. Not that bad yesterday, but today is much better. I should take advantage of it now.

Hope all is well with you all