Transfer #18

Subject: like that? Posted Date: Sunday, February 05, 2006 - 3:56 AM

And just like that its gone.

Poof.

All the pain, numbness, depression, confusion, racing mind, paranoia, all of it that has been sitting on my head for the last 20 hours or so, gone. Just gone. Took less than 30 minutes.

I hate this. Did I mention that?

But at least now I can feel things. Wow. What a ride.

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Subject: egad Posted Date: Sunday, February 05, 2006 - 2:36 AM

At work right now. Face is totally numb, as is my brain. This stinks. The left hadn side of my body hurts again. Usually this pain precedes a clearing. I hope so. Depression, hard to think and focus. All the joints swollen again.

I found out that the girl I am...Whatever...Never told her best friend that I am mentally ill. How strange. I mean, I suppose that is very considerate, but it reminds me how taboo the subject is. I hate feeling ashamed about it. If it were something else, I could talk at length with people about it, but the default is to keep this in the dark.

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Subject: the hits keep on coming Posted Date: Saturday, February 04, 2006 - 11:55 PM

The best thing about being alone is that you have no verifiable point of reference to know how fucked up you are. Yesterday, with a good friend in town, I could ascertain just how far I am from being well.

The good news is that I can at least enjoy myself alone now. I used to not have even that. People have always been a problem, and the bitch of that is that until onset, I really loved being surrounded by people. I still do, at least in concept, but in reality it makes me feel really aware of how far off I still am.

Affectively flat. The omission of appropriate facial responses. I have been for years tricking people by just laughing when they laugh, and not when they don't. In an ideal world, my face would nt move. That is, that's what happens for me when I am in the hole. I hear jokes, but they do nt register as funny even though intellectually I know I like them, and that 8 years ago that would have had me in stitches. I laughed so much when I was younger, my parents thought it was "un-manly". Well, life is hawkish. Regrettably now, I cannot get humor. This is typical in disorganized scz. I also get emotionally flat. I hate that too. My desire to be around people is washed out. They are an annoyance when this is in high gear. I just want to be left alone.

Then there are the thoughts. There are no abstract abilities. I hear things, and I group thought sin patterns. Anything related goes into my head. I have to walk through them over and over to make sense of them. It causes reactions like "So, I just moved into my new place", "Oh, my friend John got a new place a week ago". ?. It doesn't really go, its just that the first one triggers the second. "I think I am going to pain my wall red""Red is the color of the Li corner in the bag's for Feng Sui." Crickets. Shit. I have done it again.

I think I will get fired this week. I screwed up on two projects this week that were careless errors when I was in the hole and could nt read. I turned in work and told everyone it was ready, and it was not. There was a dealine, and I cannot tell my boss "Sorry boss, I am mentally ill". So they have to assume I could care less, and Ic annot be trusted. Maybe I can earn that trust back, but maybe I will be out in a couple of weeks.

My friend recommended taking medical leave. I nearly wept at the relief of the idea. I don't know. I don't know. Let me think about it. I mean, I think in a couple of months, I should be ready, fine, enough to be able to do my work. 12 weeks would get me there. But what would work be like coming back? Well, if I get canned, that's the easy decision. I have some money saved for an emergency. I have been avoiding high profile projects for a long time now. I cant hide anymore.

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Subject: terra' Posted Date: Sunday, February 05, 2006 - 12:06 AM

And I am going through a really bad spell right now. The girl who I am dating but who I am not allowed to call my girlfriend is coming to town and I need to talk with her. It is going to be a very important talk, and I am terrified that my mind will be in the crapper. I hurt her badly in a way that I will even be able to in a couple of months. My mind if so bad, that I get clingy. I need a person to help me make sense of the world on bad days. Sometimes just to help me get home, but I feel alone and it is such a pleasure to have someone in that landscape in my ead, that I hold on tight to them. This scared her, as it should. It has been one of the last symptoms to disappear, and it is receding too, but maybe too late.

Now I am afraid that I will be in a hole when she comes and then I will not be able to access all the feeligns and thoughts I want to share with her. They will be locked away and hidden, and my emotions will be flat. This always passes, but timing is going to be critical this time. An hour either way might lose her. I am ok if that is best, but it sucks to know that is the result, or might be the result just because your mind is not healing fast enough.

Faster, faster, heal heal. Please. Please, please. I hate it like this.

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Subject: ahhh. Posted Date: Sunday, February 05, 2006 - 1:14 AM

Wow. This is weird. I take, or have been taking, 1600mg of folate a day for treating the schizo. [long story has to do with Methyl/folate ration and the improvement of histamine profile]. I take a lot of other things, but that is supposed to be the most important nutrient. Well, that's 20 x 800mcg pills a day.

I just noticed that the day I heard from W, I unconsciously went up to 19200 a day, or 24 x 800mcg pills. I have been at this all week. I think I subconsciously felt I needed to get better faster for her. I don't remember when I started shaking out 12 instead of 10 pills twice daily. What the hell is that going to do to me? Is this why I have been having a bad couple of days? Body detoxifying too quickly? I HATE THIS. HATE. Why did I win this fucking lottery? Go way you fucking mental illness, go away.

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