Zero (its a good thing)
Zero.
You see, I keep a spread sheet. It used to be a journal, but hey illness, welcome to the new millenium. So I keep a spread sheet. Its columns capture the thread of my illness, day, stressors, sources, symotoms, tpye, and notes. A typical day might look like this
1/1/2000 5 Ps (psych) Bd day at work 6 Manic Could be lack of sleep.
Etc. fun right? there is reams of this shit. Its not without merit. The interesting thing is that we are dealing with a 1-10 scale. Time was, and the data coding was color coded, each one representing better or worse than usual. But see, I have zero days. Not many, but some. Zero symptoms. Yes, I am still, on those days, an asshole. I am still over opininated, wildly enthusiastic about everything and anything. I am still a poor communicator and probably too hard on myself, and I am demanding of others too. I am me. Passionate, compassionate, energetic, innovative, creative, controlled and controlling, etc.
Stay with me, it gets better.
Today was a zero. Zero symptoms. I woke with the dregs of depression clinging to my brain and the heviness and uncertainty of having my mind run through a wringer. But quickly, within an hour or so, it was lifted and in its place...nothing. Clear, prescious nothing. Just normalcy. I just feel me. I laugh, and giggle. You know I am well when I giggle. I did my bar work, and I shaved. I took a shower, and watched probably too much porn. I studied contracts and I edited a presentation for a client. I studied with a partner, and hammered esssays done. But it was clear, pure, normal, no ringing, feet unleaded with sorry. Tomorrow seemed possible and wonderful. Its just, fuck its awesome.
Its not mania. I suffer from that swing on occasion, though rarely. Really rarely. I dont feel invincible, or the need to gamble, or reckless or superior. I feel really just present. The sucking selfishness of my illness and how I deal with that is lifted.
Frankly, I have been been whole lately. even in illness, just accepting and loving. So its nice to have this. Its good too.
Zero Zero Zero. Zero.
Have a happy Valentine's day. I hope you have one. If you do, kiss him/her for me. Dont tell them. That would be inappropriate.
You see, I keep a spread sheet. It used to be a journal, but hey illness, welcome to the new millenium. So I keep a spread sheet. Its columns capture the thread of my illness, day, stressors, sources, symotoms, tpye, and notes. A typical day might look like this
1/1/2000 5 Ps (psych) Bd day at work 6 Manic Could be lack of sleep.
Etc. fun right? there is reams of this shit. Its not without merit. The interesting thing is that we are dealing with a 1-10 scale. Time was, and the data coding was color coded, each one representing better or worse than usual. But see, I have zero days. Not many, but some. Zero symptoms. Yes, I am still, on those days, an asshole. I am still over opininated, wildly enthusiastic about everything and anything. I am still a poor communicator and probably too hard on myself, and I am demanding of others too. I am me. Passionate, compassionate, energetic, innovative, creative, controlled and controlling, etc.
Stay with me, it gets better.
Today was a zero. Zero symptoms. I woke with the dregs of depression clinging to my brain and the heviness and uncertainty of having my mind run through a wringer. But quickly, within an hour or so, it was lifted and in its place...nothing. Clear, prescious nothing. Just normalcy. I just feel me. I laugh, and giggle. You know I am well when I giggle. I did my bar work, and I shaved. I took a shower, and watched probably too much porn. I studied contracts and I edited a presentation for a client. I studied with a partner, and hammered esssays done. But it was clear, pure, normal, no ringing, feet unleaded with sorry. Tomorrow seemed possible and wonderful. Its just, fuck its awesome.
Its not mania. I suffer from that swing on occasion, though rarely. Really rarely. I dont feel invincible, or the need to gamble, or reckless or superior. I feel really just present. The sucking selfishness of my illness and how I deal with that is lifted.
Frankly, I have been been whole lately. even in illness, just accepting and loving. So its nice to have this. Its good too.
Zero Zero Zero. Zero.
Have a happy Valentine's day. I hope you have one. If you do, kiss him/her for me. Dont tell them. That would be inappropriate.
posted by warnerk | 10:33 PM
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