Bad day
How many times can I write this? Shit, its my blog. I think the word blog is sanskrit for self indulgent.
Wow. rough one. really rough. Woke up this morning with the filter just ripped off. No way to slow down the incoming traffic. Words, smell, sounds, emotions, thoughts, just all crammed in without any ability to discern, prioritize, filter, or screen. I had a very hard time reading today. I had a hard time understanding people. I had a hard time being still. It was like taking snap shots at 7 second intervals. Oh, there is a person. oh, a dog. Oh, I have a book open. oh, I appear to be peeing. And talking is...well, you forget what you are saying all the time adn stop sentances in the middle. Its hard. Writting is easier cause you can read what you wrote. I feel worse than lost. At least when you are lost you know where you are at that moment, just not where here is. in this condition, I just buckle up and cling to my structures. Meal, workout, study, bed. tick tick tick goes the clock on the wall.
So, lets begin a short description of the difference between depression and dispair.
Depression, to me, is a sort of irrational cellular desire to run down and die.
Dispair, on the other hand, is a pissed off rational response to being temporarily nuts, but appreciciating that this is you bag.
Both are hard. I might call A tonight. I was supposed to have dinner with B, but she bailed. I didn't tell her that I needed her. When I feel like this I feel the need to push everyone away at the same time I long for someone to push through that and hold onto me. Stragely too, the desire is for a romantic relationship to hold onto me. It just seems, well, its hard to trust when you cannot filter things out. When you are sure someone loves you, then you can trust. or I can. or, whatever.
i went to 15 b-9 pills yesterday. Or was it two days ago. I wonder if this has something to do with it. No more messing with prescriptions until AFTER the bar.
I did have moments of clarity about this though. This used to be more often and worse. I used to get really so confused and the filter even more gone so that it was just one big multicolor undifferentiated note. Choas. Amy used to hold my head. W too. Or hand. I would cry then. Cause I felt safe.
Wow. rough one. really rough. Woke up this morning with the filter just ripped off. No way to slow down the incoming traffic. Words, smell, sounds, emotions, thoughts, just all crammed in without any ability to discern, prioritize, filter, or screen. I had a very hard time reading today. I had a hard time understanding people. I had a hard time being still. It was like taking snap shots at 7 second intervals. Oh, there is a person. oh, a dog. Oh, I have a book open. oh, I appear to be peeing. And talking is...well, you forget what you are saying all the time adn stop sentances in the middle. Its hard. Writting is easier cause you can read what you wrote. I feel worse than lost. At least when you are lost you know where you are at that moment, just not where here is. in this condition, I just buckle up and cling to my structures. Meal, workout, study, bed. tick tick tick goes the clock on the wall.
So, lets begin a short description of the difference between depression and dispair.
Depression, to me, is a sort of irrational cellular desire to run down and die.
Dispair, on the other hand, is a pissed off rational response to being temporarily nuts, but appreciciating that this is you bag.
Both are hard. I might call A tonight. I was supposed to have dinner with B, but she bailed. I didn't tell her that I needed her. When I feel like this I feel the need to push everyone away at the same time I long for someone to push through that and hold onto me. Stragely too, the desire is for a romantic relationship to hold onto me. It just seems, well, its hard to trust when you cannot filter things out. When you are sure someone loves you, then you can trust. or I can. or, whatever.
i went to 15 b-9 pills yesterday. Or was it two days ago. I wonder if this has something to do with it. No more messing with prescriptions until AFTER the bar.
I did have moments of clarity about this though. This used to be more often and worse. I used to get really so confused and the filter even more gone so that it was just one big multicolor undifferentiated note. Choas. Amy used to hold my head. W too. Or hand. I would cry then. Cause I felt safe.
posted by warnerk | 8:10 PM
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