Not as bad as I had feared
Dr. R was pretty normal. Pretty hyper, but a decent guy. I think I might be older but its close.
He is a phychiatrist, and a neurologist. Fascinated with the neuropathy of mental illness. We talked about filters, and not having one. We talked a long while, then talked about how he might help. He postulated that while I could not be classified as Sz now, even in the past, he said the symptoms were more schizoaffective disorder. Reading more about these disorders as defined in the DSM-IV makes me all the less interested in reading the DSM-IV. Its muddled and overinclusive. Dont get me wrong, its probably useful for coordinating therapies, but not partifularly useful for anyone individual.
I dont know. I was interested in a sort of behavioral therapy, a coping mechanism for when symptoms get bad. They are pretty bad right now. The unrelenting stress of the bar exam and I am pretty dinged up. I look fine, but I always did. Kinda weird. I look in the mirror a lot. I think people think that I am vain. But really, I am just checking in. Its as if, if I look that well, maybe I can just feel well. Sometimes I just look in astonishment, as so much can be going wrong inside, but the outside looks fine. My study partner commented on how calm I look. I was fighting a panic attack while she said that. I find it somewhat grounding.
So many people said that they could not tell that I was ill. All of them. Nobody knew they were robots. (its a song title). Sometimes though, I think that the best thing I learned was how to stare unto the screaming madness of mental chaos, and not flinch. Hand steady. Eyes, straight. Face slack. Do. Not. Blink. No one has to know there are monsters inside.
But its not pride. Its not for other people. Its trying to keep something steday when the waves crash. Its not so bad now, but I still look into the mirror. I look at my eyes. They are the only part that do not lie. While the rest of me looks like a 33 year old playboy having the time of his life, they look troubled, aged, born again, and dying again. Tired.
Im getting back to Civ Pro now. Thanks for tuning in.
Bona Notte.
He is a phychiatrist, and a neurologist. Fascinated with the neuropathy of mental illness. We talked about filters, and not having one. We talked a long while, then talked about how he might help. He postulated that while I could not be classified as Sz now, even in the past, he said the symptoms were more schizoaffective disorder. Reading more about these disorders as defined in the DSM-IV makes me all the less interested in reading the DSM-IV. Its muddled and overinclusive. Dont get me wrong, its probably useful for coordinating therapies, but not partifularly useful for anyone individual.
I dont know. I was interested in a sort of behavioral therapy, a coping mechanism for when symptoms get bad. They are pretty bad right now. The unrelenting stress of the bar exam and I am pretty dinged up. I look fine, but I always did. Kinda weird. I look in the mirror a lot. I think people think that I am vain. But really, I am just checking in. Its as if, if I look that well, maybe I can just feel well. Sometimes I just look in astonishment, as so much can be going wrong inside, but the outside looks fine. My study partner commented on how calm I look. I was fighting a panic attack while she said that. I find it somewhat grounding.
So many people said that they could not tell that I was ill. All of them. Nobody knew they were robots. (its a song title). Sometimes though, I think that the best thing I learned was how to stare unto the screaming madness of mental chaos, and not flinch. Hand steady. Eyes, straight. Face slack. Do. Not. Blink. No one has to know there are monsters inside.
But its not pride. Its not for other people. Its trying to keep something steday when the waves crash. Its not so bad now, but I still look into the mirror. I look at my eyes. They are the only part that do not lie. While the rest of me looks like a 33 year old playboy having the time of his life, they look troubled, aged, born again, and dying again. Tired.
Im getting back to Civ Pro now. Thanks for tuning in.
Bona Notte.
posted by warnerk | 10:50 PM
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