Sleeping alone
Well,
This is an interesting post.
High stress leads me immediately to a sort of manic state. Profound aggistation, inability to sleep, lack of focus, talkativeness. no filter and everything is turned up.
I was thinking the other night, about sleeping. It was yet another sleepless night and well, everything was turned to 11. When it like that, I can hear my heart. I can hear my eyelashes on the pillow. I can hear my neighbor cough. Thought race, and the flightest tremor, a car door down the block, and I shoot up.
I have had relationships while ill. one of the hardest things of all was loving the physical intamacy of sleeping next to someone, pulling them close, smelling their hair. It was so comforting. The more in love I am, the more I want to be close. but then it happens. Not anyone's fault. could be a hard day, or a long run, or anything, but I am there. Pacing, nervous, irratable, argumentative, rash. And cannot sleep. I can hear her heart beat. The twictch of her thumb under my hand is like a gun shot to my brain. Its and hour, 2, 3. I want so badly to fall into repose next to her. But I cant. I cant. I hate it.
I flee. I move to the couch. I try to slip out when she is asleep. I dont want to make this about her. Its not about her. Not at all. I am on fire, so high, and I need to find my deprivation chamber. The thing I want most, to fall asleep next to someone I care about, cheated from me.
The problem is, no matter what I say, or dont say, its personal. She comes for me, or sees me and is hurt. She feels rejected. I dont know how to bridge this. I dont know how to get what I need and not hurt her. Sorry W, A, E, J, L, T. It goes back years and years. I felt like I was the freak. That it was my problem and that I had a right to deal with it. I did not get to that place where I could explain. I did not want to rob you of your sleep. I thought my anguish in having to get up and leave you was apparent. I felt it so much. I was so mad at myself. but I did not mean to hurt.
This is an interesting post.
High stress leads me immediately to a sort of manic state. Profound aggistation, inability to sleep, lack of focus, talkativeness. no filter and everything is turned up.
I was thinking the other night, about sleeping. It was yet another sleepless night and well, everything was turned to 11. When it like that, I can hear my heart. I can hear my eyelashes on the pillow. I can hear my neighbor cough. Thought race, and the flightest tremor, a car door down the block, and I shoot up.
I have had relationships while ill. one of the hardest things of all was loving the physical intamacy of sleeping next to someone, pulling them close, smelling their hair. It was so comforting. The more in love I am, the more I want to be close. but then it happens. Not anyone's fault. could be a hard day, or a long run, or anything, but I am there. Pacing, nervous, irratable, argumentative, rash. And cannot sleep. I can hear her heart beat. The twictch of her thumb under my hand is like a gun shot to my brain. Its and hour, 2, 3. I want so badly to fall into repose next to her. But I cant. I cant. I hate it.
I flee. I move to the couch. I try to slip out when she is asleep. I dont want to make this about her. Its not about her. Not at all. I am on fire, so high, and I need to find my deprivation chamber. The thing I want most, to fall asleep next to someone I care about, cheated from me.
The problem is, no matter what I say, or dont say, its personal. She comes for me, or sees me and is hurt. She feels rejected. I dont know how to bridge this. I dont know how to get what I need and not hurt her. Sorry W, A, E, J, L, T. It goes back years and years. I felt like I was the freak. That it was my problem and that I had a right to deal with it. I did not get to that place where I could explain. I did not want to rob you of your sleep. I thought my anguish in having to get up and leave you was apparent. I felt it so much. I was so mad at myself. but I did not mean to hurt.
posted by warnerk | 4:16 PM
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