Expectations
My life didn't end up going the way I thought it would. When I was young and golden and invincible, I never saw all this coming. It has taken me a long time not to be dissapointed, or to feel cheated.
No one, as a kid, bright, optimistic, good at making friends and running through creeks playing kick the can, ever thinks to themselves, I am going to spend major portions of my life incapacitated by mental illness. I am going to forever fight darknesses and terrors of madness. I am going to see what I expect from myself held hostage to processes that I dont understand.
Graduating from Cal in 1997, I thought, like everyone else there, that the only obstacle in front of me was oppurtunity and figuring out what I wanted. That if I worked hard, and stayed focused, I would make a life that fit and fed me. I didnt see this coming. 10 years on couches and warbling.
Now I am accepting this. Not resigning myself to it, but accepting that this is the starting place. it feels better. Sometimes I feel disspointed still. I see myself as very different from this person. I hate knowing that it could all go to pieces.
But recently, I dont feel broken. I feel whole. Just different whole than I had expected, but those are just my expectations. Mine. Who told me that thats what I would get? No one but me. When I let them go, and take what is here, and just build towards what I want, I am grounded.
I feel lonely. I often dont feel like i should engage in relationships. It seems the one thing a partner wants from a man is stability and security. Yesterday I could not drive I was so out of it. What do you do with that? Build a life that does not require top functioning? nope. Aint gonna do that. Build a life where sometimes you fall on your face when the Sz gods come for payment? thats frustrating. Build a life with a partner? I dont know how. I want to find out, but I have done this alone for so long, its hard to let someone else help. I have pretended to be fine for so long when I am not, that I dont know how to stop pretending. I am learning, but I feel really vulnerable when I do, and snap at the person to whom I am trying to be honest.
Communication. I have recently been caught miscommunicating again. I thought I was so clear. I thought I was saying I really like this, but it came off- go away. I stopped this time and asked to work through it. Its good. I spent a lot of years alone. I would often go weeks without talking with someone more than the grocer, or a person on the street. I was hiding. But I got pretty bad at talking. And listening. and when you are your only companion, you get really really rusty.
Well, first things first, I am really enjoying being me and being with me. This was not the case for years when I was really sick. So, I am chilling. A companion, the type of relationship I want, may not be my lot this time around life. But, I cannot really control that.
Ok, thats it. I feel more...focused today. Able to screen. I'm off. Three doctor's appointments today. One for blood, one for my head, and one for my hip, which seems to be about done.
PS- can the mentally ill participate in the parolympics? I didn't think so.
No one, as a kid, bright, optimistic, good at making friends and running through creeks playing kick the can, ever thinks to themselves, I am going to spend major portions of my life incapacitated by mental illness. I am going to forever fight darknesses and terrors of madness. I am going to see what I expect from myself held hostage to processes that I dont understand.
Graduating from Cal in 1997, I thought, like everyone else there, that the only obstacle in front of me was oppurtunity and figuring out what I wanted. That if I worked hard, and stayed focused, I would make a life that fit and fed me. I didnt see this coming. 10 years on couches and warbling.
Now I am accepting this. Not resigning myself to it, but accepting that this is the starting place. it feels better. Sometimes I feel disspointed still. I see myself as very different from this person. I hate knowing that it could all go to pieces.
But recently, I dont feel broken. I feel whole. Just different whole than I had expected, but those are just my expectations. Mine. Who told me that thats what I would get? No one but me. When I let them go, and take what is here, and just build towards what I want, I am grounded.
I feel lonely. I often dont feel like i should engage in relationships. It seems the one thing a partner wants from a man is stability and security. Yesterday I could not drive I was so out of it. What do you do with that? Build a life that does not require top functioning? nope. Aint gonna do that. Build a life where sometimes you fall on your face when the Sz gods come for payment? thats frustrating. Build a life with a partner? I dont know how. I want to find out, but I have done this alone for so long, its hard to let someone else help. I have pretended to be fine for so long when I am not, that I dont know how to stop pretending. I am learning, but I feel really vulnerable when I do, and snap at the person to whom I am trying to be honest.
Communication. I have recently been caught miscommunicating again. I thought I was so clear. I thought I was saying I really like this, but it came off- go away. I stopped this time and asked to work through it. Its good. I spent a lot of years alone. I would often go weeks without talking with someone more than the grocer, or a person on the street. I was hiding. But I got pretty bad at talking. And listening. and when you are your only companion, you get really really rusty.
Well, first things first, I am really enjoying being me and being with me. This was not the case for years when I was really sick. So, I am chilling. A companion, the type of relationship I want, may not be my lot this time around life. But, I cannot really control that.
Ok, thats it. I feel more...focused today. Able to screen. I'm off. Three doctor's appointments today. One for blood, one for my head, and one for my hip, which seems to be about done.
PS- can the mentally ill participate in the parolympics? I didn't think so.
posted by warnerk | 10:59 AM
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