A spoon and a moon

Not suprisingly, with the stress of the bar mounting, precisely the kind of stress that really torques me, I had another bad swing today. by 2 I felt fine, but by 6, I had no clue anymore. Its like I get there, moving around, I get things accomplished. I hear myself talk, and what I say makes perfect sense, but I cannot understand where it came from or where it goes. I see my feet move and I take out trash and clean the house and move from gym to check email, but I do not direct them. I watch, and I bathe in the utter overwhleming blast of nosie color, emotions, and impulses, a shrill white blast of moise, like a Metalica concert, pure, hard, painful, so that you cannot hear anything and the notes are pain in your head. I weave. I stumble. I vaguely enjoy myslef. I freak out. BB came by because I needed someone to hold onto, or to hold onto me. She told me all the ordinariy things: that I am going to be fine. That I just need to relax, that I am often fine, that this will pass, to breathe, to calm. And I said all the ordinary things back, back off, you dont understand, I am lost, lost lost. I wept hard when she asked me to let go of the voices. I realize they are distrcting me from the onslaught. I let it in. It overtook me. I wept harder. Things did not get better.

But somewhere, somehow, sometime later they did.

Thats me. I just need someone. someone to hold on tight while the storm rages. I need someone so I can be angry, so its safe. I know how to ask for that now. Its me, its part of me, and its now part of my life, not something to hide, to squirrel away in the darkness. Its front and center. I guess, if you are going to be my friend, my lover, my confidant, you need to accept this. Its a tall order. Many people have said yes, but when it came down to the buffeting waves of terror and self recrimination, they tackfully, or tacklessly, left. I dont blame them, but I need stronger people. Or else, I was asking too much of them. Time will tell. I ask for what I need.

So cheers and thanks BB. You saved me. Again.