ggrrrr
Well,
This was inevitable. 8 weeks of high level stress and the depressions would come. Frankly, I am still not convinced that they are all that corralated to particular stresses, but the fact it this one had to be inevitable. Couple days now. Today is the worst. not long to the test now, but dragging, really draggin.
Times like this and I wonder. I wonder what I bring. Not to my friends lives, but I look at people in relationships and I ask still if someone would want to build a life with me, and more importantly, what kind of a person would that be? WEll, I have an idea, but its going to be someone really special. Frankly, the problem is that there needs to be someone who can run with me. I have big dreams, a big heart, and an unlimited appreciation of life. I want to run, fight, fuck, dance, listen, scream, sing, travel, sit, love, write, read, bleed, and everything in between. But I also need someone who can be compassionate. Who can hold my head. Who will not run when it gets hard. Someone who can just be next to me when the dark times come, and accept that that is part of me too. I have had parts of that, but inevitably, when the good times stop, I get threatened, not sure what I bring, or, on the other side, when the hard times end, and they always do, someone who is not burned out keeping up. I know there can be both. I am both.
Frankly, I think I am harder on myself than any potential partner. I hate this, I really do. Well, I get angry. I dont get angry at me. I am proud of how I deal with it. And I do. And I excell, but I drag. Times like these and I really need someone here. It would be nice. times like these and its so hard to do it on my own. But its hard to ask for help, cause I cannot say really what I need.
this is around my 11 year anniversay. 11 years of feeling kinda weird. Used ot be severly weird, and now just kind of constantly off. I dont really worry any more about it getting better. It will or it wont. At this point, I think I have tried everything. People ask where my smile went, or where my sense of humor went. Its there, just a little worn down. This is what I got to give, and its fine for me. There is beauty everywhere, as long as you are looking for it, instead of looking for something else.
So, well, I am knackered. The whole body is down and that age old swang song heavy with weariness is on me. Holding me down. Its my hand. Ill play it out. Thats all. Just wanted to connect adn shout out there into the inter-wilderness; I am doing. Getting by. But dragging. really...dragging today. 10 days to go.
This was inevitable. 8 weeks of high level stress and the depressions would come. Frankly, I am still not convinced that they are all that corralated to particular stresses, but the fact it this one had to be inevitable. Couple days now. Today is the worst. not long to the test now, but dragging, really draggin.
Times like this and I wonder. I wonder what I bring. Not to my friends lives, but I look at people in relationships and I ask still if someone would want to build a life with me, and more importantly, what kind of a person would that be? WEll, I have an idea, but its going to be someone really special. Frankly, the problem is that there needs to be someone who can run with me. I have big dreams, a big heart, and an unlimited appreciation of life. I want to run, fight, fuck, dance, listen, scream, sing, travel, sit, love, write, read, bleed, and everything in between. But I also need someone who can be compassionate. Who can hold my head. Who will not run when it gets hard. Someone who can just be next to me when the dark times come, and accept that that is part of me too. I have had parts of that, but inevitably, when the good times stop, I get threatened, not sure what I bring, or, on the other side, when the hard times end, and they always do, someone who is not burned out keeping up. I know there can be both. I am both.
Frankly, I think I am harder on myself than any potential partner. I hate this, I really do. Well, I get angry. I dont get angry at me. I am proud of how I deal with it. And I do. And I excell, but I drag. Times like these and I really need someone here. It would be nice. times like these and its so hard to do it on my own. But its hard to ask for help, cause I cannot say really what I need.
this is around my 11 year anniversay. 11 years of feeling kinda weird. Used ot be severly weird, and now just kind of constantly off. I dont really worry any more about it getting better. It will or it wont. At this point, I think I have tried everything. People ask where my smile went, or where my sense of humor went. Its there, just a little worn down. This is what I got to give, and its fine for me. There is beauty everywhere, as long as you are looking for it, instead of looking for something else.
So, well, I am knackered. The whole body is down and that age old swang song heavy with weariness is on me. Holding me down. Its my hand. Ill play it out. Thats all. Just wanted to connect adn shout out there into the inter-wilderness; I am doing. Getting by. But dragging. really...dragging today. 10 days to go.
posted by warnerk | 3:22 AM
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