Normal

People take issue with my use of "normal"to give a relative point that I want to reach. They ask me, how do you know what normal is?

Well, right now I feel normal. 100% normal. This is how I felt before I got ill. Yes, a little racy, yes I ran at the mouth, no I could not really focus attention all that much, but normal. Crystal. This is it. And its amazing. just normal. Not high, not super, just perfectly fucked up.

So I wanted to share. I get a day like this once every few months, with no distortion, no headache, no cognitive tom foolery. No more than normal voices, no obsessions, no ...just normal.

and its..

Well, its like crystal. Like being really present in a roomm. Feeling like I am there. Not so far away. No screen. Life feels less like a shadow in a cave. And fuck, I laugh. Normal deep healing belley laughs. Oh shit.

And I get a little sad. Sad for all the days gone by when I could not have this. Sad for the people and relationships that I could not enjoy, for whom my illness and anger at it caused me to always be looking forward. Shit, I am disspointed. I know I am not supposed to be, that I should take in in stride and take what God gives me, but shit, I miss this.



Someone said ot me today "I like you better like this". Well, no shit. me too. I am a great guy. Bit overbearing and a narcissist, but normal. I hate that there were people that slipped away...no its not worth that. I hate that I can think of a dozen people who gave up frustrated. People I hurt, people I dissapeared from. Shit. I promise you people, I was worth it. But fuck you for prefereing this. This is where my smile went.

Raise a glass, hoist a whatever, but its a 0 day for symptoms.

The symptoms will be back shortly. I have some catching up to do.