Upside
If you are a marathoner, over time, the long slow distance will signal your cells to design the body, and you will, among other things, slowly convert muscle cells into slow twitch muscle cells. This is true even if you dream, every night, of sprinting. This is true even if you think of yourself as a powerlifter. This is even true if you, in fact, spend an hour or so a couple times a week jumping. You become what you practice.
I swam in high school. I discovered that the longer the race, the better my competitive advantage. I went from swimming the 100, to the 200, to the 500, the longest race in short course high school. I was, for the fact I trained only 3 months a year, good at it, and made sectionals as a sophomore. My junior year, and last season, I asked the coach if I could swim the 50. We negotiated and she let me swim the 100 if I would also swim the 200. I accepted. I accepted because this was important to me. I had noticed, over the years, that my mind had become like my body- enduring, persistent, able to manage pain, able to run people down, wear them down. I bring this up to show that the mind also reflects how you use it, not to debate the relative merits of thinking as analogized to sporting events.
I practice law. When I was sick, I was pretty bad at it. Not being able to be careful was a major set back. I worked hard and I am a pretty good attorney now. I am managing a large case with only the oversight of two partners. Point is, I have been at it over 5 years. There is danger there.
I knew, from day one, it was a bad fit. It was not consistent with my path in life, and while I could do it, and can, its not for me because my journey to happiness and fulfillment does not lie in that direction. Its not the law, but the practice of law and the process of law that constricts.
But even in "sucking it up" and "paying your dues", there is a danger. There is the danger inherent in ignoring your heart. Ignore it too long and it gets confused or stops talking to you. Specifically though, law is a practice of identifying risk and focusing on minimizing exposure. It completely devalues the upside to risk. And the more you do it, the better you get at it.
This is where I am really feeling frustrated right now. I have 5 more months left in the firm, and every day I need to change my perception of how I see the work to teach me useful lessons and not to numb my heart. Upside is so important. Without risk, usually on nothing more quantifiable than instinct, you get bogged down in the safe play. You are not going to get the amazing, only the safe. Sure, you are not going to get hurt, but good god, you are never going to find your path and your story and do something amazing.
Law is not the only thing that has made me playthings safe. But I have. FOr years it was "when I am well", then" when the economy is right", then "when I know", then "lets play this out". Fuck it. its over. Moving to CA is about risk. There was not good reason to come except those that I made. It was a risk. I want to start a company. I know nothing about it. Guess what? Ill never find out in this safe law office collecting my pay checks and doing good, but safe work.
Risk. Upside. Reward.
When I got ill, I got ill fast. Within months I went from being a normal 22 year old to bed ridden, paranoid, in pain, and hearing and seeing things strangely. I was paranoid, and anxious and digesting nothing. I had migraines 24/7. I never asked for help. Not from my parents, not from friends, not from lovers. I was exhausted and felt so alone. Well, alone is worse than proud. It sucks. In fact, its the worst thing. Its living without trust. You cannot trust without risk. trust = risk. It means faith. Because if you are waiting to know its safe, it aint trust.
Trusting me, and trusting others, and trusting I will be ok not in control is the biggest and most important risk of my life- I need and will have the upside- an amazing, supportive, nurturing wife, family and friends; a clear and brave heart; a calm mind and a gentle relationship with life. Playing it safe will not return what I need. So, into the breach.
I have been practicing risk again. For the last year. At first, it was hard, but I got a lot better. Just ask PR. And in the hardest spots, the scariest trusts, I still cling to the wall afraid to jump, but in more and more of them, I am trusting, I am jumping, I am letting go. I am ready.
So, for you too, trust, risk, and dont live a life that wears down your confidence that you know what you are doing. Take that chance. And go all the way. You will be tested, and the only way to go through, it to keep on believing in what you know. Fuck the safe play.
[How does this relate to SZ and healing? Well, I have SZ, or something like it. I am doing the best i can to heal it. But I was also using it as an excuse to play everything safe. It needs to be respected, but not used to play safe.]
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Plans are afoot. There are an infinite number of excuses not to do things. There are precious few to take risks, but in this case I know its right.
I swam in high school. I discovered that the longer the race, the better my competitive advantage. I went from swimming the 100, to the 200, to the 500, the longest race in short course high school. I was, for the fact I trained only 3 months a year, good at it, and made sectionals as a sophomore. My junior year, and last season, I asked the coach if I could swim the 50. We negotiated and she let me swim the 100 if I would also swim the 200. I accepted. I accepted because this was important to me. I had noticed, over the years, that my mind had become like my body- enduring, persistent, able to manage pain, able to run people down, wear them down. I bring this up to show that the mind also reflects how you use it, not to debate the relative merits of thinking as analogized to sporting events.
I practice law. When I was sick, I was pretty bad at it. Not being able to be careful was a major set back. I worked hard and I am a pretty good attorney now. I am managing a large case with only the oversight of two partners. Point is, I have been at it over 5 years. There is danger there.
I knew, from day one, it was a bad fit. It was not consistent with my path in life, and while I could do it, and can, its not for me because my journey to happiness and fulfillment does not lie in that direction. Its not the law, but the practice of law and the process of law that constricts.
But even in "sucking it up" and "paying your dues", there is a danger. There is the danger inherent in ignoring your heart. Ignore it too long and it gets confused or stops talking to you. Specifically though, law is a practice of identifying risk and focusing on minimizing exposure. It completely devalues the upside to risk. And the more you do it, the better you get at it.
This is where I am really feeling frustrated right now. I have 5 more months left in the firm, and every day I need to change my perception of how I see the work to teach me useful lessons and not to numb my heart. Upside is so important. Without risk, usually on nothing more quantifiable than instinct, you get bogged down in the safe play. You are not going to get the amazing, only the safe. Sure, you are not going to get hurt, but good god, you are never going to find your path and your story and do something amazing.
Law is not the only thing that has made me playthings safe. But I have. FOr years it was "when I am well", then" when the economy is right", then "when I know", then "lets play this out". Fuck it. its over. Moving to CA is about risk. There was not good reason to come except those that I made. It was a risk. I want to start a company. I know nothing about it. Guess what? Ill never find out in this safe law office collecting my pay checks and doing good, but safe work.
Risk. Upside. Reward.
When I got ill, I got ill fast. Within months I went from being a normal 22 year old to bed ridden, paranoid, in pain, and hearing and seeing things strangely. I was paranoid, and anxious and digesting nothing. I had migraines 24/7. I never asked for help. Not from my parents, not from friends, not from lovers. I was exhausted and felt so alone. Well, alone is worse than proud. It sucks. In fact, its the worst thing. Its living without trust. You cannot trust without risk. trust = risk. It means faith. Because if you are waiting to know its safe, it aint trust.
Trusting me, and trusting others, and trusting I will be ok not in control is the biggest and most important risk of my life- I need and will have the upside- an amazing, supportive, nurturing wife, family and friends; a clear and brave heart; a calm mind and a gentle relationship with life. Playing it safe will not return what I need. So, into the breach.
I have been practicing risk again. For the last year. At first, it was hard, but I got a lot better. Just ask PR. And in the hardest spots, the scariest trusts, I still cling to the wall afraid to jump, but in more and more of them, I am trusting, I am jumping, I am letting go. I am ready.
So, for you too, trust, risk, and dont live a life that wears down your confidence that you know what you are doing. Take that chance. And go all the way. You will be tested, and the only way to go through, it to keep on believing in what you know. Fuck the safe play.
[How does this relate to SZ and healing? Well, I have SZ, or something like it. I am doing the best i can to heal it. But I was also using it as an excuse to play everything safe. It needs to be respected, but not used to play safe.]
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Plans are afoot. There are an infinite number of excuses not to do things. There are precious few to take risks, but in this case I know its right.
posted by warnerk | 12:43 PM
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