Three days

Zero Symptoms. Never happened. Not since college ended and I was studying for the LSAT in that shit hole fraternity where E helped me clean the floor with a shovel before I could move in and I decided Bradley was a profit right before he OD-ed. I studied spanish 5 hours a day, and ate day old scones after skating bancroft to class. There was a girl, K, that I had a crush on, because there was little else to do that summer but study and wait for the weekends when I would drive in to SF to see E. She was a dear. E that is. She once went across the street in her pajamas to ask a party to turn down the music so I could sleep. That was the begining of the overloud days, the days before I had learned to cope with the noise. She was great and I miss her. I sometimes flatter myself by wishing she had not married.

3 days.

3 DAYS.

I feel like i am rewinding. I dont know how else to explain the sensation. I wake, and I have old feelings, memories I didn't realize I had. My dreams have grown substantial, and I often resolve old hurts in them in a fantastic dream like way, and make apologies long overdue. Sometimes I reunite with friends and loves long gone. And it all seems so terrible short and fragile adn I am reminded of being 4 years old, and awakening knowing, completely and utterly, how short life is. Since then I have tried to drink too much in. As if that could slow it down. It was my tribute to life. Somewhere I got sick on the excess. I have learned that no matter how wide you stretch your jaws, no matter how much you manage to cram in and swollow, chewed or no, its such a miniscule fraction of infinity that it equals zero. So just enjoy. You will never have enough unless you enjoy what you have.

Secada talks about the scarcity mentality being born of the inability to appreciate the luxury of simple things. Like watching fat rain drops on your skylight, and seeing the white caps kicked up in the gale force winds that pass for winter in SF. Sit, run, dance, fight, sing, its all the same, so do what suits you, make your statement, and embrace the fleeting moment of life.