Forgiveness

Do I need to be forgiven for being ill?

For years I felt like I did. I looked about me at the bounty and miracle of life, all that had been given to me, all that I had consumed and experienced, and I felt self loathing. I felt that I had not contributed. That I was a sham, and a fruad. Broken, and defficient.

Did I need to be forgiven?

In a way, yes I did. but I wasted a lot of time asking forgivemess of my friends, my family, and those close to me. I appologized for being short, crazy, sick, emotional, not emotional enough. They looked at me in disbelief. Thier eyes were full of sadness for they could not forgive those things I had not done. You see, there was only one person whose trust, and respect I had to recover. Only one person whose forgiveness I needed: my own.

I wrote a lot of letters. I do not regret them. I made a lot of phone calls to appologize for being abesnt. Even as I type this, there is a letter on my desk to a law school friend whose wedding I did not attend becuase I was sick, and who, in shame, I never contacted again. I feel like I need to appologize to let go. But for what am I really apologizing? was I mean, cruel, intentionally distant? no. Did I not do my best under the circumstances? No, not that either. What I am appolgizing for is that I was not a person that I wanted to be. And that, while perhaps genuine, is harmful.

Look, I was in pain. I was gone and in a hole, and the stalight dnaced above me and I reached, but could not touch it. I let people down, I missed parties, I diliberately slinked away from dates, invitations, and life. If I had cancer perhaps everyone would now be celebrating me, but I didn't, I was broken in less obvious ways, and I looked perfectly healthy doing it all, so instead I was the weird guy.

It took me year people, but I finally got it. Right here. Say it with me:

I forgive myself. I forgive myself, and I deserve that forgivemess.

Its over. let it go.

Life is a no end game. There are no final periods, or 4th quarters. There is no other team. There is only practice. If I want forgiveness, then I need to respect myself enough to deserve it. And respect is built on little victories, and by living the way I want to from here on out. The past needs to be let go. starting now and moving forward.

Let go.

The past only stains you to the extent you let it. If you are ashamed of being sick, let it go, and start today living a way in which you are proud.

Its not easy. Every set back came with a total rebuilding of that self respect. I started over from scratch so many times, I cannot count them. Every week became every month. Every month became every couple. And eventually, I built somethign I am proud of. from there, it is easy to fogive yourself.

so, in short, respect your self. Dont try to be someome you are not. Then imprve that person you are. Contribute. Make the world slightly better. And once you realize that you can, forgive yourself and move forward and up.