40 years

wandering in the desert of mental illness and now arival at the promised land. And we all know that desserts are not 40 years long, so the wandering was clearly a circle, and I am back where I was, not different.

I suppose you will not be hearing from me as much going forward. For those of you who began this journey with the blog, or who have traveled this far, I thank you. Your comforting company, silent and unseen, kept me afloat. Each trip on the hit meter indicates that someone cared enough, if only to glance. I felt less alone.

And to those of you who reached out to me over the years and shared your own story and your own uncertainties, thank you. Your courage kept me going. Made me feel like I was not weird, or unique, but wonderfully sane and normal, fighting the same battles as you, your sons, your daughters.

Things are happening. I am not sure I even get the low blood sugar drift anymore, although I have not tested it. There have been, now, dozens of occasions where I forgot my snack, and nothing happened. In the mornings, there is no dead head.

And I am sleeping better now. And my mind is gloriously full of ghosts and delusions and uncertanties and insecurites like anyone elses, maybe more so, maybe less so, but mine and functioning just fine.

And my stamina is somewhat returning. I did a work out yesterday that previously would have killed me, and merely had panic attacks. Small victories, but its a long road.

And the pills. I am down to 15 800 mcgs of b-9 a day now, from 18. I will be at 14 soon. All without incident- more or less.

Its been a great 40 days back. There have been bottles of sake, and long nights of music, and dancing and jamesons with guiness, and watching the dawn, and waking up covered in champagne with great friends all around, and eggs and caviar to eat. There has been plant knapping, surfing, cliff scaling, presentations, business cards, and nights eating crickets with my partner talking about the future of our business. There have been sitllness and long walks and watching the fog flow over twin peaks and chilling the hundreds in Dolores park. There has been lap sitting, and bar sitting and poker playing and laughing. Oh, the laughing. There have been dinners with mom and A and R and D and L and BB, and I and A, and D and S and M and balconey parties. There have been pictures painted and new music, and reinventions and returns to home.

What can you do with 1%? A lot more than you think. A lot more than I thought.

Day 35

Almost got back 1%. 40 days.

Lets be honest here, I am living like I am making up for lost time. I am making up for lost time. I am not the only one. There are lots of people who set aside portions of thier lives and lived in parrallel tracks, who are now, intentionally or unintentionally, trying to regain what was lost of given up through frenetic efforts. Throwing down life in shot glasses of experience. Hard fast, and without undue prudence.

So, in an effort to burn myself up, I have been out nearly every night since the Bar. Last night I went to meet up with a crew at the Paradise lounge. I ditched after just a little bit. My soul may cry out for more, but my body is still human, and aging and needs rest. I was wrecked and went home. L came over and we had a more gentile and energizing conversation than anything that was going to happen on a pole. Poles have their places after all, but its not an everyday thing.

I climbed on Wednesday, and then worked until late. Last night too. Keeping up this social schedule does not absolve me of my work duties, but I can shift the schedule, thus i found myself drafting memos on reexamination and estoppel at 2am this morning. It got done though.

Where will this end? I am not sure. And I dont care, though I know that it will taper off. You keep an animal caged up, and it will be angry and agressive when it gets out, but over time, it will resume its normal character. I am not a going out every night guy. I like my mountainsides and stillnesses and watching the heat of the city evaporate into the air and making the stars shimmer. But I do want both, and for 11 years, I was on the sidelines, so I am taking back what is mine, without apologies, though certainly with explaination. I have been candid with the people in my life that I need to do this now. It seems an important part of my healing and perhaps my maturation. The body is largely well. The soul is always pure, but the spirit needs some attention.

Day 33

Hell, I might have already written today.

Whatever.

Tonight there is a perfect stillness in SF. It feels like spring and newness and happiness and it made me think of my parents. If I concentrate just a little bit, I can still feel what it was like to lay on my Dad's chest, and his pride and joy beaming down on me like the sun. And I can feel the crook of my Mom's arm, her holding me in the dark, and loving me like cannot dare love herself. And I can hear those echoes in their voices on the phone, or over sushi, or at Christmas. They still feel exactly the same way. It must be confusing for parents to have someone grow and change so much, and yet to still love them like thier protector and guardian as they did when you were too little too feed yourself.

And I think of A, A as a little girl, moon face and eyes like dandilions. She was so innocent, so perfectly happy. From the first time I remember her, I remember feeling like I needed to watch over her. And I needed her to, to laugh at my stories, or play out the fantasies I would spin while we waited for mom and dad to finish playing tennis in the hot californian sun.

And somewhere along the way, she didn't need me to protect her anymore. And mom didn't need me to look out for her anymore, and I found it hard to not be needed like that. But I grew, and I learned to care for myself, and heal myself and here I am today. I still love A, Mom and Dad like that little tiny kid. One day soon we will all be able to drop the artifice of time and the scars of years and just be in love again, without hesitation.

healing happens on all sorts of levels.

Day34 - secrets

The secret of my success in life is this: Do Not Blink, and never let them know how much fun you are having.

Last night was St. Pattrick's day. Celebrating religious extermination is always a reason to party. I met A, E, J at Finnegan's. It was tame, so I took it up a little, then sheparded the teachers off to bed, and went home-ish. Since it was only 10:30, I popped by L's. Then it got really late. And I, suitably exhausted, went to bed.

I talked with the PTC today. Interestingly, G, the nurse, also had taken GABA and had had a similar breakout response as I did. Mine passed, and for a while it was fun. I had pimples again, like I did when I was 19. I didn't have many then, and I didn't now, but I never get them, so it was fun to see. I also learned that the receptors for GABA can downregulate, which is why we are encouraged to take a day off once a week. Interestingly, mainstream literature does not indicate the same thing, but the PTC is usually one step ahead.

Thats about it.

Day 32

Tamer day,

Went to the old Uni today, visited an inventor. Good to be back. THen I visited mom at school and met some of her kids and colleauges. Wehad sushi in a local restaurant, and then I went to my new Zen group.

We worked on a Koan today.

A monk goes to Jaujo, and tells him,

"I came to see the famous stone bridge of Jaujo, and instead, all I see is a simple wood bridge".
Jaujo replies, "You see a wood bridge. You do not see the stone bridge".
The monk then asks "What IS the stone bridge"
Jaujo kindly tells him, "Donkeys cross over. Horses cross over".



So, recover was like that for me. I was so convinced that life was supposed to be differently than I was for me. I was straining to see the stone bridge and was dissapointed by the simple wood bridge. But, in the end, the both let me cross over to this side.

So here I am, and I have to report very little of interest about being absolutely wonderfully abusive with my body this weekend. Three straight nights of hard drinking and one night with hard other things (some of which are what you might be thihnking of and others not, but hey, we all carry our stone bridges around with us). The results were...nothing. I feel slow today, and a bit beat up, but nothing to mention really. Just a little bleary. I met an inventor today for 2 hours, and never came the pounding headaches, the visual distortions, the piercing whine in my head that meeting new people had for over adecade. nothing. silence. Just normal.

So tomorrow I test my luck and celebrate the catholic's decimation of the traditional animist religion of ireland. I dont know why we celebrate this, but I am in it for the mayhem. I am a little irish and catholic, but the irish part of me was protestant, and the catholic part of me Czech, so, well, I am confused, as most of us in the US, so fuck it, Erin go braugh right?

Day 30, give or take

Wow. Tomorrow there will be hell to pay, but today I bit back the bug that bit me. I, L and I went for late dinner at Walzwerks- SF's premier east german dining experience. Actually it was amazing. The staff was amazing and adopted I. We borrowed some clown noses and ended up drinking wiht the staff after closing- nasty bitters and good beer. Then to Gestalt Haus, where A, E, G, and J joined up. L and I lost in pool to a crusty old ex con (how I dont know), and A and G and I watched a professional dancer tear it up, alone, on the floor. From there, things got, well, faster. We drank until we moved to another club where, as far as I recall, there was tequila and a photo booth. Yes, yes, we have the photos to prove it. There seemed to be a lot of kissing going on in the photos. Wonder how that happened.

Then Salsa dancing until 2. Wandered the streets a bit smoking cigars and other things then over to L's pad until 8 this morning. We listened to amzing music and drank liquers from Ibiza, good rum from Nicaragua and other tasty treats that seemed to pour endlessly out of the fridge. There were eggs and caviar and champagne for breakfast, and I made his flight. UB was cool with that.

So, I am still functioning, and functioning fine. No signs of symptoms. I suspect tomorrow, if I am going to, I will suffer. I will keep you posted, and remind you all that you only have to hear these updates for another 10 days.

Didnt take my pills until 7 today. Clearer, as always. The pills are not painless. They upset my stomach and give me a headache. Every time. They cloud the thoughts too, in a weird way, and make me really tired, but less and less over time. So I enjoyed a day off(ish)

Day 31

Still no symtoms to speak of. And, at last, the insomnia is settling down a bit. Maybe a phase, but maybe because I am avoiding hard physical work.

I was reminded how limited my recovery is the other night when G and I were out to drinks. He was quite fit looking, so I poltiely inquired. He has been doing two a days, lifitng mornings, spin classes evenings. 7 days a week. This would kill me deader than dead, but tehre was a time I could do that. At Uni, it was three a days, weights and practice, 3 hours more practice, then 2 hours more practice in the evening. And I could roll.

I dont miss it. I dont mind. Its a little frustrating, but part of me, and that me can see clearly and is respectful of the limitations that come with being me. We all have them. I know mine and they are like a fingerprint, like my tendancy to talk a bit much, father everyone, and give unsolicited advice. Like the way my left leg sticks out from skateboarding, and my nose turns 4 times from breaking it, and how my fingers are bad, while my hands are good.

So, that said I went on a nice run this weekend. After an evening with G, I sat up, enjoying being drunk and typing adn watchign GoodFellas. Yesterday I met with AJ, my old agent, who was charming and still looks 16. It was good to be addressed by my old modelling name again, just for giggles. I wandered around downtown and met the violinist for a local band because I walways tip street muscicians. I bought hrddrives for the company, and met a million old Cal people at Tipsy Pig. Then I met I and B and R at B's place. We reminisced about the GDR and the Czech republic, drank too much Pilsner, and then went to Indian food. After that we wandered to Mad Dog in the fog, to NIcky's, then over to Tornado. We adopted a table of people. I am a friendly guy, and I learned that from I, who learned that from B, so together, its like the Up with People meets Anne Rice. Ill let you sort that out.

Saw C out and it was a good, long evening.

Tonight, we are going for east german food and beer. Its a crew of 20 or so. I am hanign out with people who, when I was their age, I spent my Saturday nights trying to make it to Sunday morning. I was asked last night why I am not married. I considered answering truthfully, but went with "I have been busy".

I also got cuaght taking a handful of pills. Actually, I dont hide it anymore these days, so it was more of a overt maneauver which I explained by saying I needed to take the pills, but I was asked "Are those your crazy pills?" You dont know how close you are J.

Day 29

posting a little drunk

Just went out with G. The bartender kept giving us free shots. I had Jeigermiester for the firs time. Its niether good, nor interesting.

So, just rolling. Enjoying being sane. Done know what to say here.

I went into the office yesterday. For the firs time in 11 years, meeting new people in charged environment did not result in migraines, or symtoms. I saw this at about 4. I wanted to be more moved, but I have moved on.

Saw BB last night and her Beau Squirrel. Sq is a blast. I actually like him, but he is no good for BB. He is distant, traveling toward a hard place, at a hard speed and taking BB with her. I could tell she wants off, with him, but he is not getting off.

So, there you go. thats say 29. I had a conference calll with japenese clients. Japenese is really funny to listen to. The company is great, I am sane and the sun shone.

Day 27.

I was talking to Dad today, and used the phrase "when I was sick" for the first time. I caught myself later at the gym.

Wow.


Just wow.

J gave me a bed today. I was reminded of the lyrics, "And I would only take them back if they become your own and you give 'em to me". I felt like it was a gift, not a return. It will be nice to be off the floor.

And I sent an email aroudn changing my phone number today. Wow, what a response. P, J, D, called and more emailed. The sad thing is that today, so many people sounding drained, flat, exhausted and beat up by work. P is in Ohio, and the dude sounds seriously depressed. J is in Iowa, and, wow, havent heard him that badly since Costa. And that was bad. I talked to R outside ML today, and she sounded wrecked. Lay offs firm wide. everyone gets a piece. Shit, and here I am just happy not to be nuts. I promise you people, it could be worse. Speaking of L started an osteo therepy for her cancer treatment. It has laid her low. She feels terrible and this is a lady who cleared a forrest with Lyme disease. So, well, there was a point there, but, whatever, GB.

Did email with K- father of two, recntly of vascectomy. I love that guy. If kindness and warm heartedness had a face it would have a shaved head and a goatee and be a volunteer firefighter and teacher.

I figured around with the insomnia thing. I am working from the assumption that its a overwork thing. When I was ill, early on, a set of stairs could wipe me out. recently, a hard workk out, a hard run, or a moderate surf would make sleeping tough for me. The night of, hard to fall asleep, but the night after, insomnia badly.

Well, since I have been symptomless I have been playing water polo, climbing, running, drinking, lifting, walking- and its only been a week since the Bar. I think I have overdone it. that and residual Bar fear.

L called to check on me today. She had premonitions that something was going terribly. Thanks L, you are lovely.

Day 25

The sleeping thing is still dodgy, but everything else is going full bore. I went out with S and C this weekend, and we added M to the mix for a tour of SF bars and ridiculous places.

L and I went musseling on Saterday, meeting A and F and the rests of the A's at a beach near Satna Cruz. We filled buckets of mussels, then drank beer, smoked cigars and watched the sunset.

That night, after eating more mussels than was probably a good idea, we went to Bourbon and Branch, and drank bourbon and attitude. Yikes.

Yesterday saw S and J, two friends from Boston, then cleaned the house. Not exciting, but with a clear head, everything is exciting.

Even insomnia.

I also completed my flashcard series of instructions for dealing with me when I am experiencing a depression, or manic episode, or severe disperceptions. I have done people a bad turn by not including them in these phases. These phases are part of the charming basket which is me, and now I have something that I can tell people. THere are, it turns out, themes, that I want to hear, or be comforted with. Its not that complex. The hardest part was just reaching out.

Anyway, these hot items will be made available on Ebay soon.

We have a problem

ok. Now, the clarity has not faded. The symptoms, for the most part, are gone. But, small problem- since I started the Gaba, I tend to have total insomnia about once every three nights. Total. Like right now. Not a wink. I am tired, and I lie in bed, but the mind spins round and round and round. Now during the Bar prep, this was to be expected, but I also had weeks where I felt tired before bed. I have not felt sleepy before bed since I was a child, except for the rare night, here and there. But for about 2 weeks straight, I felt exhausted before bed and felll straight to sleep.

So, I dont know what is going on. This sucks. I have never been a strong sleeper. This is a pain in the ass. Several girlfriends have taken this as an affront to them. Its not. Its not a question of being comfortable. its just, I get super wired. Then I can hear her eyelashes blinking, my heart on the pillow, the clock ticking in another room. And no sleep. Thoughts are disjointed and race and jump, and with each a start.

Still, total insomnia was rare. I suspect this is a phase. Just as the first week on Gaba brought migraines, which dissapeared, this too is likley a phase of some sort. I hope. Perhaps since I have so much more focus and energy now, it doesnt know where to go, and keeps me up. I used to be so exhausted all the time. So painfuly weary. Not the tired that sleep would alliviate. Now, That is gone. So, insomnia it is. I did not sleep tuesday night either.

So, lovely sunrise. I guess I will be seeing more of these.

19, 20, 21

Went climbing with A on Tuesday. We went for burritos and beer afterwards. Regrettably, I still cannot eat MSG. Dad cannot either. Gets me so wired, so I did not sleep that night. Saw JB, my therapist that afternoon.

Wednesday, I got my hair cut by a lovely swedish woman who talked the entire time. It was at the SF institute so I got a scalp rub too, which is just enough information for you.

Other than that, I struggled to get my company off the ground. So much to catch up with. I took a walk that night, up over the hump in Potrero Hill and looked out over the city and into Cole Valley. When I got home, I was rested, but not tired, so I watched Bang the Drum Slowly, and reminded myself that RObert Dinero has been a good actor for a very long time.

Today, lunch with CA and reviewed a vendor proposal for discovery. Weee. I am going to climb later and meet with R, my UVA buddy.

Talked to M today, well, chatted on the computer.

Other than that, interviewing the Frightened Rabbit album and the new Elbow album.

Health? Clear as a bell, though my gut hurts a lot. A lot. I am being entered into a pilot study for a technique of filter building through aural accuity training. The neural result of my position, we will say, leaves me with an inability to filter, or parse sounds: I cannot well exclude irrelevant noise, or parse words from verbalization. Lord knows all my friends have known that I am very poor at understanding cell phone conversations. Drives G nuts. The more mumbling the more unlikley I have any idea. I had a conversation with a Sri Lankan client yesterday...and faked a lot of it. I cannot understand well, on the phone, heavy accents. Well, the study is in some months. Lets hope I am nutsy enough to get in.

16-18: tunneling in the back way

Today I was sitting with pacific zen institute out in Oakland, where you can hear the R&B from Art's crab shack pulsing through the floor. A woman made a comment after the darmha talk that wrote on top of a comment from Dr. R last Friday.

The woman in question talked about neuroscience as "tunneling in the back way", refering to reaching the same result as zen practice. This reminded me of a remark that Dr. R made on Friday. In response to my question of why he chose to pursue a career helping people with Sz, he told me that they all make progress, they all get better: some through phycoanlysis, some through medication, some through time, some through stable ome situations, some through excersize and relaxation, some from a combination or other sources.

Then I thought about Alexander techniche, which taught that insults, physical, mental or emotional, left tensions in the body, and that that tnesion could be released through resolving the insult (i.e. therapy), or physically letting go. I have seen it work both ways. I cried without stopping when C, one of the alexander instructors, gently pulled my shoulder, and I know of people who have releases like that after yoga.

This is all to say that maybe we are all headed toward the same truth- science, medicine, philosophy, math, economics, politics, spirituality, disco. All of it. We go from different angles and through different doors and everyone has their own path, this life or next, but as long as we are clawing toward the light, its all good.

C, dont know if you ever read this, but I wish I could chat about this with you right now. Maybe on the Charels.

And how, you wonderful little imaginary reader you, you ask has the celbration been coming along?

Ate crab and drank SoCo and god knows what after the Bar with LL LW, and others. Ate ice cream which was momentarily delightful. Came home and smoked a cigar with B at Zietgiest. Surfed OB Friday and Saturday. it was clean, off shore, and the suf gods took pity on me. I had a lovely steak au poivre with A and F and then went for dark bitter beer in the Marina Friday night. Saturday picked up K, my sister from another womb, and we went out with M and T to Mezzainine and listened to Nasa, Flusterdomis and Umbrella spin. We drank too much, which was quite enough. Late wake up Sunday, saw slum dog millionare and a dinner at my place- crawfish e'touffe.

Today, caught up with work, went on a walk with L, which never really got going, and travled to Oakland to find nirvana, or Buddah, or the inside of my eyelids and E- an old friend from Boston.