Day 33
Hell, I might have already written today.
Whatever.
Tonight there is a perfect stillness in SF. It feels like spring and newness and happiness and it made me think of my parents. If I concentrate just a little bit, I can still feel what it was like to lay on my Dad's chest, and his pride and joy beaming down on me like the sun. And I can feel the crook of my Mom's arm, her holding me in the dark, and loving me like cannot dare love herself. And I can hear those echoes in their voices on the phone, or over sushi, or at Christmas. They still feel exactly the same way. It must be confusing for parents to have someone grow and change so much, and yet to still love them like thier protector and guardian as they did when you were too little too feed yourself.
And I think of A, A as a little girl, moon face and eyes like dandilions. She was so innocent, so perfectly happy. From the first time I remember her, I remember feeling like I needed to watch over her. And I needed her to, to laugh at my stories, or play out the fantasies I would spin while we waited for mom and dad to finish playing tennis in the hot californian sun.
And somewhere along the way, she didn't need me to protect her anymore. And mom didn't need me to look out for her anymore, and I found it hard to not be needed like that. But I grew, and I learned to care for myself, and heal myself and here I am today. I still love A, Mom and Dad like that little tiny kid. One day soon we will all be able to drop the artifice of time and the scars of years and just be in love again, without hesitation.
healing happens on all sorts of levels.
Whatever.
Tonight there is a perfect stillness in SF. It feels like spring and newness and happiness and it made me think of my parents. If I concentrate just a little bit, I can still feel what it was like to lay on my Dad's chest, and his pride and joy beaming down on me like the sun. And I can feel the crook of my Mom's arm, her holding me in the dark, and loving me like cannot dare love herself. And I can hear those echoes in their voices on the phone, or over sushi, or at Christmas. They still feel exactly the same way. It must be confusing for parents to have someone grow and change so much, and yet to still love them like thier protector and guardian as they did when you were too little too feed yourself.
And I think of A, A as a little girl, moon face and eyes like dandilions. She was so innocent, so perfectly happy. From the first time I remember her, I remember feeling like I needed to watch over her. And I needed her to, to laugh at my stories, or play out the fantasies I would spin while we waited for mom and dad to finish playing tennis in the hot californian sun.
And somewhere along the way, she didn't need me to protect her anymore. And mom didn't need me to look out for her anymore, and I found it hard to not be needed like that. But I grew, and I learned to care for myself, and heal myself and here I am today. I still love A, Mom and Dad like that little tiny kid. One day soon we will all be able to drop the artifice of time and the scars of years and just be in love again, without hesitation.
healing happens on all sorts of levels.
posted by warnerk | 10:26 PM
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