You know what?

Nope.

PTC recommended more p5p, to combat Pyroluria. But p5p builds neurotransmitters, and I already have so many, its like I live on coke. So, lets not go up. Maybe, lets go down.

This is what occupies me.

Sleeping alone

Well,

This is an interesting post.

High stress leads me immediately to a sort of manic state. Profound aggistation, inability to sleep, lack of focus, talkativeness. no filter and everything is turned up.

I was thinking the other night, about sleeping. It was yet another sleepless night and well, everything was turned to 11. When it like that, I can hear my heart. I can hear my eyelashes on the pillow. I can hear my neighbor cough. Thought race, and the flightest tremor, a car door down the block, and I shoot up.

I have had relationships while ill. one of the hardest things of all was loving the physical intamacy of sleeping next to someone, pulling them close, smelling their hair. It was so comforting. The more in love I am, the more I want to be close. but then it happens. Not anyone's fault. could be a hard day, or a long run, or anything, but I am there. Pacing, nervous, irratable, argumentative, rash. And cannot sleep. I can hear her heart beat. The twictch of her thumb under my hand is like a gun shot to my brain. Its and hour, 2, 3. I want so badly to fall into repose next to her. But I cant. I cant. I hate it.

I flee. I move to the couch. I try to slip out when she is asleep. I dont want to make this about her. Its not about her. Not at all. I am on fire, so high, and I need to find my deprivation chamber. The thing I want most, to fall asleep next to someone I care about, cheated from me.

The problem is, no matter what I say, or dont say, its personal. She comes for me, or sees me and is hurt. She feels rejected. I dont know how to bridge this. I dont know how to get what I need and not hurt her. Sorry W, A, E, J, L, T. It goes back years and years. I felt like I was the freak. That it was my problem and that I had a right to deal with it. I did not get to that place where I could explain. I did not want to rob you of your sleep. I thought my anguish in having to get up and leave you was apparent. I felt it so much. I was so mad at myself. but I did not mean to hurt.

Not as bad as I had feared

Dr. R was pretty normal. Pretty hyper, but a decent guy. I think I might be older but its close.

He is a phychiatrist, and a neurologist. Fascinated with the neuropathy of mental illness. We talked about filters, and not having one. We talked a long while, then talked about how he might help. He postulated that while I could not be classified as Sz now, even in the past, he said the symptoms were more schizoaffective disorder. Reading more about these disorders as defined in the DSM-IV makes me all the less interested in reading the DSM-IV. Its muddled and overinclusive. Dont get me wrong, its probably useful for coordinating therapies, but not partifularly useful for anyone individual.



I dont know. I was interested in a sort of behavioral therapy, a coping mechanism for when symptoms get bad. They are pretty bad right now. The unrelenting stress of the bar exam and I am pretty dinged up. I look fine, but I always did. Kinda weird. I look in the mirror a lot. I think people think that I am vain. But really, I am just checking in. Its as if, if I look that well, maybe I can just feel well. Sometimes I just look in astonishment, as so much can be going wrong inside, but the outside looks fine. My study partner commented on how calm I look. I was fighting a panic attack while she said that. I find it somewhat grounding.

So many people said that they could not tell that I was ill. All of them. Nobody knew they were robots. (its a song title). Sometimes though, I think that the best thing I learned was how to stare unto the screaming madness of mental chaos, and not flinch. Hand steady. Eyes, straight. Face slack. Do. Not. Blink. No one has to know there are monsters inside.

But its not pride. Its not for other people. Its trying to keep something steday when the waves crash. Its not so bad now, but I still look into the mirror. I look at my eyes. They are the only part that do not lie. While the rest of me looks like a 33 year old playboy having the time of his life, they look troubled, aged, born again, and dying again. Tired.

Im getting back to Civ Pro now. Thanks for tuning in.

Bona Notte.

Escuse me, thats DR. Crazy to you

yes, I am going to see the crazy doc today.

No, he is not crazy. This Dr claims to have a sort of improved psycholigical forensics system to determine, even after major symtpoms have passed, what elements of a person's experiences were self delusion and results of deliberate distortion, and which were the product of a mental illess.

Buckle up.

I appointed G my mental health guardian in case I am deemed clinically unable to make decisions for myself. This will not happen, but I am an attorney and need to be double careful. The fact is that there is not a doc in the country who could, in good faith, declare me any crazier than the rest of you right now. I am not more or less. That said this might be helpful to see which of my remaining mental obstacles are mine, and workable with therapy, and which I can expect to fade as the lingering remnants of the illness do.

I have NO idea what I will be asked ot do in this intake. I hope the catheters and electroshock dont hurt too badly. Muuuuhahahahahahahaaaa.

Seriously, I think this promises to be almost completely useless. It goes against everything that I have learned to make these divisions. And hey, so its the product of a mental illness...so what? Its still me, and mine and I gotta intergrate that too.

GB.

Consultation

I had my follow up consult today. As usual, there will be another follow up on my questions, but here is what I learned.

My copper is extremely low. This still indicates Wilson's disease, that and the low Cp. However, I have had a liver biopsy, and it revealed no copper damage. So I guess we toss that one.

My histamine is in the normal range. This, however, has not relieved the two major symptoms that I have related to that: Anxiety and obsessive thoughts. That said they are way, way better. The secondary symptoms I still have: I dont sneeze, I dont sweat, I have very little libido, I don't tear much.

So, interestingly, the PTC told me that many patients find that after reducing the folate they take, thier histamine related symptoms improve. Might have to do with upregulation. Hard to abandon the girl who you came with, but frankly, its time to change things up and take chances.

They suspect malabsorbtion, so I am to take a lot of Biotin. ok.

In catch up, I am preapring for the CA State Bar exam. Which is, in itself, a major stressor. I have made some interesting observations.

1) I have a certain limit for total stress. Things like physical exertion, hypocaloric diets, phycological stress, anxiety, staying away from my home for extended periods, lack of sleep, etc, all chip in. with the bar, I am always about a chip away from overwhelming that stress threshold. for the time being, I have stopped the gym, and taken to my second great love for excersize...walking. I like three things: lifting heavy things, swimming/surfing, and walking. Dont get much out of cardio, yoga, pilates, jogging, running, hiking, biking. Though, to be fiar, BB gave me an awesome intro to Pilates. I was sore the next day in odd places. So I walk.

2) I have observed my relationship with stress. I note that the Bar gives me great stress becuase I dont have a plan. As a reasult, I never know when I am doing too much, and always feel like I could do more. When I cut that off, I feel better. Second, it is distrating myself from the prep, not the prep itself, whcih gives me the most aggitation. I find this true in life. I get to something unpleasant, and I avoid it, but the avoidance causes me more stress than doing it. So I am locking horns and whipping this one.

Thell get back to me, the PTC, re carnitine, and MORE P5P, and I will let you know how that comes out.

Until then, fair readers, be good to one another.

How have i not seen this before?

I guess I was so busy healing that I did not ahve time to find this, but this is interesting...very similar experience and similar vitamin therapy.

http://orthosz.blogspot.com/2007/07/patient-update-july-16-2007.html

The author claims to have been diagnosed with SZ like symptoms but no psychotic illness. The doctors ended calling it frontal lobe dementia. He claims to take

# 100mg L-Carnosine AM - scavenger of oxidative stress (ROS & alpha-beta unsaturated aldehydes), improves processes affected with autisim, found highly concentrated in muscle and brain tissue, quickly metabolizes blood levels of stress produced Cortisol returning levels to normal, too much Carnosine may cause hyperactivity.
# 100mg R-ALA (RLA) PM - Powerful antioxidant, reverse cognitive dysfunction, increases glutathione, "recycles" other key antioxidants such as vitamin C, vitamin E, and glutathione, promotes glucose metabolism, proven effective for treating diabetic neuropathy, prevents nerve damage from oxidation.
# 2mg Melatonin PM-ONLY - counteracts TD, Improves sleep quality of chronic schizophrenia patients, suppresses prolactin release, necessary for SWS-REM sleep, stimulates endorphin production (updated from 1mg 12-9-06)
# 5mg DHEA AM Androgen occurring naturally in humans and synthesized from cholesterol. 5mg maintenance dose-no higher. Patient responded to larger 50mg dose in the past but then had significant side effects. Goal is to balance or restore normal level. Body does not upregulate its own levels when taken orally, so max total levels should not exceed natural 15 mg in body daily.
# 100mg CoQ10 AM Many useful antioxidant activities especially Schizophrenia, neuroprotective effects, potent free radical scavenger in lipid and mitochondrial membranes (increased from 30mg on 2-15-07)
# 800mg EPA-protein AM Balance with DHA
# 200mg Vitamin B6 Pyridoxine AM Counteracts Kryptopyrrole, break down and use fats, proteins, and carbohydrates, to make red blood cells and antibodies, to help the digestive and nervous systems function, maintain healthy skin. Converts to coenzyme P5P in body
# 800mg DHA-protein AM Balance with EPA
# 500mg per meal Vitamin B3 Niacin (no flush-slow release) AM Opens Capillaries, take after each meal, Removes voices, Needed for Omega EFA conversions to prostaglandins.
# 50-80mg Zinc AM Positive Factor for TD, inverse of Copper, Works closely with B6, promotes normal metallothionein, commonly out of balance with Copper
# 200mcg-600mcg Selenium AM Antidote for Mercury, Antioxidant, Antidepressant, Improves Prostaglandins
# 30mg Chelated Manganese PM Prevents Tardive (TD), increases elimination of copper and helps return copper levels to normal. Do not take with Calcium.
# 5,000mcg Vitamin B12 AM Improves RBC flow through Capillaries
# |AVOID| 200mg SAM-e (S-adenosylmethionine) Treats Undermethylation, was tested on this Patient and did not respond well, maintains cell membrane structure, substances vital to transmitting nerve impluses that influence mood and emotion
# |AVOID| 100mg L-Theanine - inhibits glutamic acid excitotoxicity, promotes GABA production, decreases serotonin and increases dopamine (BAD FOR PATIENT), promotes alpha wave production associated with alert relaxation (non drowsy), improves immune system response by boosting capacity of T cells, crosses blood brain barrier.
# Exercise & Diet - 30 minutes of walking per day

Very similar to my supplement history. I recognize almost all of these. I have been prescribed nearly all of them. Carnosine is a new one for me. I may look into it.

Read the blog. The author, describing himself merely as "patient" is not doing well. The last post was from a hospital. My heart goes out to him/her.

still here

16. Cannot tell if this is rough, or if I am in a rough phase. Whatever. Just keeping everyone up to date.

hi ho

Its work. 16 b-9s has been a less easy transition that I had thought. Lots of panic attacks. All day holding the panic at bay. Just jumpy jumpy jumpy. And just emotionally flat. That should all adjust, but not today.

Keep tuned, for more in the lives of the mentally dependent on Vitamin Shoppe Products.

Yep, felt that one a bit

16 was harder than 17. I could feel it today. I think. Lassitude, deep bone weary and dogging depression. Nothing major, and I was expecting it. It will pass, and its part of me until then and even after. No shame, I am proud I am doing this.

And then there were 16...

Folate,

Down from 18 a day of 800 mcg, to 16. I dropped to 17 for 5 days, then 16. 8 in the morning 8 in the evening. I am not scared anymore as I was when I first considered reducing the dosage of the supplement I identify as most responsible for my recovery. At first, the very thought was terrifying. It seemed reckless. It is a water soluable vitamin, so why bother? Its cheap-ish. It is not supposed to have side effect

Still, I believe in as little assistance as possible. I believe that the body is a complex organism balancing chaoses, and it is best to interfere with that with linear thinking as little as possible.

For so many years, everything I did was wrong. My body just did not do what the medical text books said it should do. Now, its receptive. Maybe we have made our peace with each other. Maybe I have stopped worrying about how I "should" be, and I am just being. I think this peace is letting the alarm bells quiet a little and with that, the endless panic of my existence is begining to wane.

There is a line from a song..."I just woke up, its already getting late." But not too late. And its nice to wake up, no matter what we slept through.

Waiting for the rain

Well,

The PTC wants me down to 5g b-9 a day. They cautioned me that the down regulation of my receptors will likely mean a bit of an adjustment. And by bit of adjustment, they mean, depression. I am taking this slow. No reason to hero it. I am dropping one of the 18 b-9s I take at a time, I am at 17 now, and will stay here for a week. Then down to 16 next week. Rinse lather repeat. If I notice I am more down, I will stay with A, my sister. She will be cool about it.

Thats it.

I am waiting for test results. I am on COBRA now, and paying much more for medical, so I will slow down the treatment a bit to spread the costs.