Que Interesante. (An MTP rondo)

Now this is interesting Bill...

It's essential of course for digestive exzyme preparations (such as AbsorbAid)
to survive stomach acid. However, this won't help if there is too much oxidative
stress in the gut, as this can wipe out many of the key enzymes (such as
DPP-IV). Oxidative stresses often are the cause of the malabsorption or
maldigestion problems..... Sending in more enzymes can havelimited effect in
this case. It's a little bit like Pickett's charge in the Civil War: The new
soldiers are killed off as soon as they enter the fray.We find that zinc therapy
and metallothionein-promotion therapy can be effective in easing oxidative
stress in the G.I. tract and overcoming these problems.Tests for plasma zinc,
serum copper and serum ceruloplasmin can give a good indication of "metal"
oxidative stress. A Cu/Zn ratio greater than 1.20 or an excessive amount of
"unbound" copper..... that is, copper not bound to ceruloplasmin..... are
indicators of excessive free radical metal ions which can suppress or destroy
many digestive enzymes, cause diarrhea, digestive pain, maldigestion,
malabsorption and multiple food sensitivities. The levels will be abnormal in
the presence of toxic overloads of mercury, cadmium, lead, antimony, etc. A hair
analysis for the metals can provide some information also.(March
6, 2003)

Now, as some of you more persistant readers may note, my labs, while not high in Cu, are high in free/unbound Cu [38% free], due to my low ceruloplamin. This is preceisley why I was told that I was prescribed MTP. (author's note---I am taking the stuff 7 days a week now).

As you same adroit readers may recall, maldigestion, digestive pain, multiple food sensitivities and malabsorbtion are the halmarks of my illness. So, apparently, someone in the PTC was listening or else thier shot in the dark appears aimed at the same target, or its all connected anyway. Anyway, I hold out some hope for this MTP. But man oh man, does it taste terrible.


but wait...there is more.

A complication is that blood levels of copper can be very low in persons
who have severe copper overload. The classic example is Wilson's
Disease in which the liver accumulates huge amounts of copper. These same
Wilson's patients usually exhibit very LOW levels of Cu in blood.....also the
exhibit extraordinary low levels of ceruloplasmin. Is essence
their blood contains little copper, but the blood Cu is predominantly in
"unbound" form.

Yup, that is my case. my copper actually shows up a bit low. Not only that, but I have extraordinarily low Cp. That is why I was tested for the above mentioned Wilson's disease. I do not have wilson's, a biopsy confirmed that, but I still have elevated unbound copper and low Cp, a kind of grey middle ground.

Years ago, we mistakingly thought low blood serum or RBC copper levels meant Cu
deficiency..... and in a few cases we cautiously gave Cu supplements in an
attempt to correct the situation. Most of these patients reacted badly to the
Cu. Proper evaluation of copper status requires both serum Cu and serum
ceruloplasmin tests.Hair mineral copper is very valuable for behavior disorders
and ADHD patients, but is of far less clinical value for autism, bipolar, and schizophrenia populations.

Giving supplemental Cu to
patients is a risky business. It should be considered only in those who exhibit
sufficient ceruloplasmin to accomadate between 80 and 95% of the Cu
present. (April 10, 2003)

Wow....you hear that...normal unbound Cu should be 5-20 percent. I am almost twice the amount of the highest safe number.

Selenium deficiency itself could result in a nasty copper elevation.
Metallothionein at the intestinal mucosa and in the liver is the primary agent
which regulates copper in the body. Selenium is needed for efficient
metallothionein functioning.

Carl Pfeiffer of Princeton, NJ tested more
than 25,000 persons for copper & reported that Cu toxicity was common, but
Cu deficiency extremely rare. We have investigated the metal-metabolism of about
20,000 persons & found the same thing. I admit there are theoretical
rationale for expecting copper deficiency, but it rarely actually happens.Hair
analysis ALONE is a very poor way to assess copper status. I say this after (a)
evaluating more than 100,000 hair analyses, (b) developing the first
high-quality hair standards (loaned to NIH and other researchers), and (c)
performing numerous double-blind, controlled experiments involving hair
chemistries. Findings of high Cu levels in hair are compromised by the many
external sources of Cu which cannot be completely removed by washing. Low levels of Cu in hair and/or blood often are coincident with
dangerous overloads of Cu in liver. Hair Cu values can provide
information of clinical significance, but by itselfis not clinically decisive.

Serum Cu indicates the total amount of Cu in serum. Serum ceruloplasmin
indicates the fraction of serum Cu that is bound as ceruloplasmin. A simple
calculation (paying attention to the assay units) yields the numbers for
comparison. Most copper experts agree that the normal or "healthy"
situation is to have about 80 to 95% of the serum Cu present as
ceruloplasmin.A high fraction of "unbound" Cu is a good
indicator of oxidative stress and low metallothionein activity......
and also a warning to NOT to supplement with Cu, even if serum/RBC/hair levels
of copper are low. In addition, one should consider possible environmental
sources of Cu,expecially drinking water and swimming pools/jacuzzis treated with
copper sulfate (to kill algae).(April 11, 2003)The ceruloplasmin analysis
indicates the amount of Cu properly bound to this protein (Should be 80-95% of
total serum Cu). If serum and hair Cu are low, a high proportion of
"unbound" Cu is a warning signal that there might be a Wilson's
Disease-like situation...... Low serum/hair copper, but severe Cu
overload in the liver. In some cases, testing forpossible Wilson's Disease is
indicated

Been there, done that, enjoyed the biopsy. Thanks coach.

Usually, the question is whether there is a Cu overload. The incidence of true Cu deficiency/depletion is very low. (April 14, 2003)High copper females respond very well to therapy with zinc, B-6, P-5-P, C, E..... However the Zn should be introduced slowly..... for example 25 mg....50 mg.... 75 mg..... and given either at bedtime or after the evening meal. B-6 and P5P should be given before noon. Failure to phase in the Zn slowly would be likely to result in temporary worsening of symptoms over the first few weeks.She should avoid estrogen therapy, drink bottled water, and limit high-Cu foods like chocolate, carob, and shellfish.If her primary imbalance is the Cu overload, very little improvement is likely during the first 3 weeks..... followed by striking improvement thereafter. If the patient is clearly better during the first week, this is probably due to overcoming the pyrrole disorder. In her case, you might geta nice initial improvement which is partial in nature..... followed by a plateau of several weeks before more progress is made. (April 14, 2003)


Several of you have asked me how to gte in contact with me. I prefer to use firstpitchstrike@yahoo.com for correspondance. Yes, its a baseball reference. Suffering from disperceptions is not ALL that I do.

Choline

X and I have endevoured into a discussion of Choline and acetylcholine. This has caused me to research the nutrient and which patients are going to respond well to it.

Choline is an essential nutrient that is widely distributed in foods,
principally in the form of phosphatidylcholine but also as free choline. It is
also found in foods in the form of the phospholipid sphingomyelin. Choline is
necessary for the structure and function of all cells and is crucial for
sustaining life.
Choline plays many roles in the body. The three major
metabolic functions of choline are as a precursor for phosphatidylcholine
biosynthesis, as a precursor for acetylcholine biosynthesis and as a methyl
donor. In addition to serving as a precursor for phosphatidylcholine, choline is
the precursor of the phospholipid sphingomyelin. Phosphatidylcholine and
sphingomyelin are structural components of biological membranes. These
phospholipids also serve as precursors for the intracellular messengers ceramide
and diacylglycerol. Choline is also the precursor of the signaling lipids,
platelet-activating factor (PAF) and sphingosylphosphoryl-choline.Choline is involved in several basic biological processes. Choline is a major part of the polar head group of phosphatidylcholine. Phosphatidylcholine's role in the maintenance of cell membrane integrity is vital to all of the basic biological processes: information flow, intracellular communication and bioenergetics. Inadequate choline intake would negatively affect all these processes. Choline is also a major part of another membrane phospholipid, sphingomyelin, also important for the maintenance of cell structure and function. It is noteworthy and not surprising that choline deficiency in cell culture causes apoptosis or programmed cell death. This appears to be due to abnormalities in cell membrane phosphatidylcholine content and an increase in ceramide, a precursor, as well as a metabolite, of sphingomyelin. Ceramide accumulation, which is caused by choline deficiency, appears to activate a caspase, a type of enzyme that mediates apoptosis.
Evidence is mounting that an elevated homocysteine level is a significant risk factor for atherosclerosis, as well as other cardiovascular and neurological disorders. Betaine or trimethylglycine is derived from choline via an oxidation reaction. Betaine is one of the factors that maintains low levels of homocysteine by resynthesizing L-methionine from homocysteine.
Acetylcholine is one of the major neurotransmitters and requires choline for its synthesis. Adequate acetylcholine levels in the brain are believed to be protective against certain types of dementia, including Alzheimer's disease. Human studies are needed to determine whether dietary choline might be useful in the prevention of dementia.

The interesting thing is that I used to take DMAE. I stopped, becuase it was very expensive and becuase I never understoof its purpose. Now I might try it again, or at least finish the amount I have left over. It might take the edge off, the edge that results from too much norepinephrine. I have been lately concerned about this, as stressors, even slight ones, still result in a stronger than expected fight or flight response. This used to be unmanageable, and I was only able to tolerate the company of a new person for a couple of seconds before my adrenal glads would start pumping and my face would get hot from the blood from my kicking heart. Today, these days, it is manageable, but too many stressors, too many stimuli, and I get overwhelmed. The symtoms are similar each time, tightness in the muscles, headaches from the muscle tightness in the scalp and neck, abdominal discomfort, trouble breathing, visual disturbances, followed by profound exhaustion or panic attacks. my work schedule has had me on the brink all weel long, and the week before that, and the week before that. Its not that I am hoping ot avoid stress, but I have said time adn time again that Sz is perhaps best understood as a stress management disorder. What I want is a healthy response to the stress. Or at least a way to manage it until my body can. And no, drinking does no good at all. Talk to a h'delic..they might be able to help you.

Maybe Choline could help:

Phosphatidyl choline is also very effective in protecting DHA/EPA from free
radical oxidative stress..... another good reason to take it. In my experience
DMAE is especially effective for increasing acetylcholine levels in the brain,
since it passes the blood/brain barrier & converts to choline. I like
to use this for overmethylated persons who have excessive dopamine and
norepinephrine levels. However, enhancing acetylcholine activity must be avoided
in persons who genetically are overloaded in this NT. Choline, DMAE, and
phosphatidyl choline can cause nasty symptoms in these persons (about 10% of the
population).Persons with innately high acetylcholine levels tend to be very
terse and sometimes nearly catatonic. They have very high anxiety, but
usually keep it inside. They also usually have a history of seasonal allergies,
perfectionism, and OCD tendencies. Increasing acetylcholine activity can be a
disaster for them.Those deficient in acetylcholine usually present with nervous
legs, are prone to pacing, and are quite voluble. Their misery is plain to
everyone. Therapies to increase acetylcholine activity can be extraordinarily
helpful for this population. (March
6, 2003)

But Dr. Walsh, its a methyl donor. what gives? I think this is X's point. Perhaps he would like to respond, as I will begrudglingly admit that his research is currently better than mine and unclouded by my PTC bias.

Forgiveness

Do I need to be forgiven for being ill?

For years I felt like I did. I looked about me at the bounty and miracle of life, all that had been given to me, all that I had consumed and experienced, and I felt self loathing. I felt that I had not contributed. That I was a sham, and a fruad. Broken, and defficient.

Did I need to be forgiven?

In a way, yes I did. but I wasted a lot of time asking forgivemess of my friends, my family, and those close to me. I appologized for being short, crazy, sick, emotional, not emotional enough. They looked at me in disbelief. Thier eyes were full of sadness for they could not forgive those things I had not done. You see, there was only one person whose trust, and respect I had to recover. Only one person whose forgiveness I needed: my own.

I wrote a lot of letters. I do not regret them. I made a lot of phone calls to appologize for being abesnt. Even as I type this, there is a letter on my desk to a law school friend whose wedding I did not attend becuase I was sick, and who, in shame, I never contacted again. I feel like I need to appologize to let go. But for what am I really apologizing? was I mean, cruel, intentionally distant? no. Did I not do my best under the circumstances? No, not that either. What I am appolgizing for is that I was not a person that I wanted to be. And that, while perhaps genuine, is harmful.

Look, I was in pain. I was gone and in a hole, and the stalight dnaced above me and I reached, but could not touch it. I let people down, I missed parties, I diliberately slinked away from dates, invitations, and life. If I had cancer perhaps everyone would now be celebrating me, but I didn't, I was broken in less obvious ways, and I looked perfectly healthy doing it all, so instead I was the weird guy.

It took me year people, but I finally got it. Right here. Say it with me:

I forgive myself. I forgive myself, and I deserve that forgivemess.

Its over. let it go.

Life is a no end game. There are no final periods, or 4th quarters. There is no other team. There is only practice. If I want forgiveness, then I need to respect myself enough to deserve it. And respect is built on little victories, and by living the way I want to from here on out. The past needs to be let go. starting now and moving forward.

Let go.

The past only stains you to the extent you let it. If you are ashamed of being sick, let it go, and start today living a way in which you are proud.

Its not easy. Every set back came with a total rebuilding of that self respect. I started over from scratch so many times, I cannot count them. Every week became every month. Every month became every couple. And eventually, I built somethign I am proud of. from there, it is easy to fogive yourself.

so, in short, respect your self. Dont try to be someome you are not. Then imprve that person you are. Contribute. Make the world slightly better. And once you realize that you can, forgive yourself and move forward and up.

Just who exactly is that patient here?

Back from the FTMHC.

First of all, the place is more monolithic, dreary, and frightening than I had remembered. Imagine is the set for the hobbit had post modernist tendencies. Ok, scratch that. Imagine the building worst suited to the mentally infirm: grey, concrete, few windows, twtisted pathways, dead ends, underground passages. Ok, now we are getting somewhere.

I met Dr. G. He was...distracted. His office had a lot of degrees mounted on the wall. They seemed to indicate that whatever he did, he had the blessing of a lot of acreddited institutions. Some of those institutions had seals. Some of the degrees had those seals on them. He had a fake persian carpet on the floor, and we sat on opposite sides of it.

He seemed bright. And interested. He took a brief oral background of my case, from me, though I found it difficult to recall my symtoms with any authority. They are so long gone and it has been such a while since i have listed them for someone. But I got my story out there, and the doctor took it quite seriously.

He was candid enough to begin by telling me that Sz is no diagnosis. That it is an umbrella under which many conditions fall. Conditions without names and without treatments. He admited that my recovery from whatever had happened was inspiring, and asked about the PTC's treatment. He admitted that allopathic medicine had a really difficult time learning about new approaches, and finding the research and treatments by smaller clinics. He asked me for a summary of resources on orthomolecular nutritional appraoches to Sz. He knew about folate thereapy, in fact the center is conducting a folate therapy pilot prgram, primitive in comparison to the PTC though. He knew about niacin, but strangely not about Hoffer, Pfeiffer, Walsh's or any of the other researchers works. This was dissapointing.

He gave me interesting information. He acknowledged that anti-psycholitcs may prevent american Szs from recovering. He bases this on the fact that 3rd world nations show a higher percentage of SZ spontaneous recovery. I have read informed writers who reached different conclusions as to the cause of this discrepancy though. He discussed with me the gene that is responsible for producing the protien that breaks down and absorbs folate. I have been asked to give blood for genetic screening.

I hate doing someone's homework for them, but he seemed genuinely interested. I have been asked to put together some resources for his reading. he also wants some case history material and stated that it is likley that he would reach the conclusion that I did not have Sz, but that without baseline information, my presence in any study would be pretty useless. I am to meet with him in a month. I hope I was not charged for this visit. I learned nothing and he learned a lot.

One more time

This is getting tiresome, but I think we might have a breakthrough this time.

I requested, of my PCP, that she help me find a psych of some sort to assist me in the transition from mental imbalance to normal life. I was feeling unsure, and wanted some guidance from someone who had at the least helped other patients through the trnasition. Now, I dont know much about general medicine, but my guess is that when a patient tells you that he is on the edge, facing really painfully difficult emotional problems and needs to see a psych, 5 months between request and visit is unacceptable. By about 5 months.

Honestly, introspection, talking with friends, journallying, keeping this blog, and of course the patience and resiliancy of W and my friends have helped me through that time. I find I have very few questions left. But I still have this appointment. And I will go, but at this point, it seems pointless.

The Dr.'s name is Dr. Goff. I keep spelling it Gough. And I will continue to do so. If seems more dignified. He words at the Freedom Trail Mental Health Clinic. The FTMHC looks exactly what you would expect a goverment funded mentalward to look like. yellowing tiles, florescent lights. patients wandering by in white smocks with bandages all over their arms talking to themselves. There are guards there. The guards are big capable looking men. They carry guns. Dr. G is at the center of an onion of beuarocracy. You must keep peeling back layers of secretaries, interns, social workers, and assistants to get to him. I hope he is balding, and on life support, like Darth Vadar when Luke finally removed his helmet. Only then would my expectations be met.

He wants me to submit to DNA testing. Its a three hour test to help build a genentic map of Sz. He can wait. I have better things to do right now. First, he can tell me how he can help me. My time is valuable, and I have wasted a lot of it trying to get to him.

I do not think he does Talk therapy. I think at best he might offer me Cognitive behavioral therapy. I think he will want to talk about my vitamin regime. We can do that, but he cannot charge me for it. THe PTC is light years ahead of what his clinic is doing, but all of that information is available with a little research. I am not planning on doing his homework for him. I don't know that I have anything left to say to him. To tell you the truth, I feel like I talked about me for so long, and worried about my health so fervently, that I have nothign left to say. I want to hear other people talk for a change. Hear about their problems. I am sick of being sick, or of having been sick.

So yes, I am a ray of f*Cking sunshine. I am negative about this experience. I have billables to make.

but d*mn it does feel nice to have addressing my mental health be an irritant.

Not so smooth sailing

So, of the three young men that I know who are also suffering from this ball of unspecific symstoms sometimes accorded the working title of Sz and who are treating it with vitamin therapy, two of them are encountering diffifulties. This is part of the process, yet it stinks.

When I began my orthomolecular regimine, my body was not as ready for it as I would have liked. I felt like I was swimming along on a current all day. Gently swirling back and forth. Kind of unnerving. I called the PTC and they were perfectly unhelpful. I talked to my PCP who had all sorts of prescription medications to offer me. In the end, it took a while to adjust. I discovered that I was not ready for either the Mg, the B-6, or the B-5. I removeed each, and later returned them to my cocktail, slowly increasing the dosages. I read a lot of vitamin manuals to pin point the source.

My point is this: even recovery was hard. Supplements may be a great deal kinder and more forgiving than anti-psychs, but god knows the things are not gentle. I feel for these guys right now. I know what they are going through. Finally trying to believe that you might get better only to find a whole new host of problems that come with the cure. Its not every 20 year old that gets to watch his body turn traitor on him, and these guys are fighting. If I have a message for any of you beggining it is this: be patient, and persistently ask questions. I remember when E started her regime. She too encountered a rocky start. I would be less vague if any of our rocky starts were similar, but it seems we all had different expereinces. So, dear readers, this is a tender time, and a good time to take things slow. 5 years on the couch, increasing depression, lifeless existences are all good reasons to rush, but be kind to your body. Talk to your PCP, to the PTC, and to your research, whatever that is. Remember you are the administration of your health decisions. Give yourself healing that your body can handle.

Oh, and good luck. Seriously guys, it gets better. SOmetimes fast, and sometimes not fast enough. But it gets better.

Gone but not forgotten

Seemed a fitting title for today. 5 years after wards, and it still shocks me and is sharp in my mind. We all have our memories of the events, mine are no more special or painful. It is something we all share, for better or for worse.

I have started the MTP 3 days on, one off. Each increase in MTP is followed by flu like symptoms, but those symptoms have been less aggressive for each increase. This last increase made my nose run, and my eyes itch, and I fell a little...tired really, but the intense lethargy, the pain, the nausea, the brain fog that typified earlier increases have been blunted or abesnt in this increase.

But, in response to email questions I have recieved, I feel good. better than Before the MTP. I must admit that I am waiting to get up to a full7 days a week on MTP before I reintroduce the anti-fungals probiotics I take. The anti-fungals can cause die off, or so I am imgaining that is what I am feeling, and I do not want to cloud the experiment.

So, in an unrealted note, I have been rejected for life insurance. Why? Well, why do you think. The medical profession refused to treat me, turned my cries for help into trips to psychologiest, gave me no help, lectured me when I quit the anti-depresants that made me hallucinate, and now, even though every medical report I own says I am in perfect helath, because I found the PTC and the PTC deals with mental imbalances, I am rejected for coverage. Fine, I can play this game you *ssholes. I requested a letter from my old treating psychologist who made me discuss my family ad infinitum in a quest to disinter my deep seated loathing that was cuasing my symptoms etc etc etc. He would not believe my symptoms were real, and now he is going to write a letter telling the insurerers that I have no medical problems. Take that. Furthermore, I am scheduling a beavy of psych tests to prove I dont have Sz. I dont---whatever was there is gone now. I am an attorney, and I have not missed a day of work due to illness in three years. My cholesterol levels, mody mass indicators, homocystien levels, insulin levels, and blood panels are spotless. There are diabetics and overweight people with life insurance, there is no way they will reject me. I was told that if I had Sz, that I would be rejected for coverage because I am treating it with vitamin therapy instead of prescription medication. I am not joking. That is, I am well, but if I instead took antipsychotics with nasty side effects (Just ask Z and C), then I could be covered. But because I found something effective, something that cures what the mainstream medical profession says cannot be cured, I am denied coverage.

F*ck them.

Recovery with Respect: a fantasie on fight club

It seems like sooner or later we all take a dive. Our carefully constructed world which kept the whispers and fears at bay eventually becomes uncomfortable, constricting, depressing, exhausting, debilitating. If we stay in it, we die a little at a time until there is nothing left but a shell.

It seems we only dare to deconstruct this illusory world when there is no other choice. When we grow sick from the very demands we place on ourselves to protect this illusion. I think you can guage the self respect of a human being by the moment they choose to change a maladaptive living stretegy. The further from being forced to, the more secure that person is. But I digress.

We all get there, and some of us chose bandaids and crutches and comfort, and others choose to engage it fully. Illness accelerates this process. Illness forces you. I was no doubt heading for my own personal dead end, but I guess I never anticipated the illness.

"this is your life and its ending one minute at a time"
"Only after disaster can we be resurrected."

It looks different every time, yet it always looks the same:

--> there was a young man I once knew. We will call him CS. He swam fast, and beautifully and everyone knew he would be the next olympian. He started swimming twice a day, then lifitng also. the awards and accolades built up. One day he just sat down. He realized that he would never swim fast enough to feel better about himself, to be happy. Swimming was supposed to set him free, but it never did, so he stopped swimming altogether.

--> another guy I know built his self respect on the attention of women. The chased them and they chased him. It became a fever, where if he just scored that perfect 10, or slept with enough women, he would find peace. One summer he slept with dozens of women. And then he broke. He cried, and he stopped dead. It took him years to find himself again.

--> A girl I know, she had been strong. She had held her family together while they were intent on tearing each other apart. She let them lash out at her, so that they could cry, and reover and heal, and she never shed a tear. She went to work though. And she poured all this intensity into her job. She got promotion after promotion, more and more repsonsibilty. She was a rising start. One day, she hit that wall. She was the best at what she did, and she still hurt. She sat down and entered into a year and a half hibernation to get to the bottom.

"I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire
generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising
has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we
don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We
have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our
Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe
that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we
won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off. "

the longer you let it go before you address it, the less energy you have, the firmer your patterns become, the more deeper you are invested in the illusions and your unsustainable approach to living. And the illness itslef is just a symptom. It is a curse, and it can be a tool. It is what you make of it.

You can recover from this illness on supplments alone. I think. Your body and mind can anyway, just like your body and mind can recover from a particular unhappiness by changing jobs, moving, dropping a boyfriend, quitting drinking, stopping smoking, excersizing, or whatever. But, although all of these might become part of your journey, none of these will free your soul or be true recovery. You dont have to find happiness. You dont. Most people dont. They find comfort, distraction, and amusement. But true happiness is not disturbed by daily events, by change. Change is inevitable, just like poor health, death, and losing things dear to you. True happiness trascends this.

"its not until you loose everything that you are free to do anything"

Letting go is an action. It is not the absense of action. It is a deliberate, positive, step. Make a fist. Let go. its still a fist. Now open your fingers wide, make you palm large and flat. Thats what I am talking about. letting it go. Freedom is earned, not given, and you have work to do. So I hate to tell you, SZs, hista-whatever you ares, ladies and gentlement of the jury, whoever reads this blog or stumbles into it, but the decision to let go and undo the patterns that got you where you are, even should you find that courage, which is unlilkey, is not the end. No one will do it for you. It is a messy and scary process. Its a hideous process, and it must be done with dignity.

Recovery with Respect.

Many people demand respect. I wanted to be respected for my battle with my illness. I wanted people to cut me slack, and still give me respect for what I was able to do. I thought it was unfair to be held to the same standards as other people. But I also wanted to be treated as whole, even though I was not. I didnt want to be laughed at, even though I was making a complete fool of myself. I wanted people to look at me and think "there is a guy who is well centered" when I was a total mess. Through my actions, I lied to people by leading them to believe I was someone I was not. It was not until I learned to laugh at myself, and to acknowledge my limitations, and that everyone has limitations, that I began to realize that respect is not given, it is earned.

I realized that I was broken, but that I was good. I tried to tell people where the edges where, who could not see them, and I learned to not be so ashamed of falling that I failed to learn to walk again. This was hard. I am someone who found a lot of identity in how others perceived me. I had to accept that I was a mess, forgive myself that weakenss, and understand taht some people needed more than I could give them.

"You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else"

I used to feel entitled. Entitled to be a mess. To drop my shit on other people becuase I was sick. I know I did it. I wanted extra slack ebcuase I was ill. I felt so threatened whenever someone tried to teach me something. I felt like I knew things, that I was strong and smart and independant and able, and that they should learn from me. I felt like people were judging me when they made observations, or critisisms, and this was true of freinds and teachers. Grades, I felt, were an unfair judgment. I wanted to sit down and refuse to budge. "I am not at my best, how dare you judge me." Ach. How painful that all was.

but look, I am not sure I am right here. It may be that you can get there as a mess, but I am beggining to realize that it is no coincidence that I began to recover myself, which has little to do with recovery from the illness, when I began to earn my own respect. I gave myself permission to mess up, and to be sick, but also gave myself the space I needed by acknowdeging that the world did not cease to revolve when I began to tackle this. It is like being a child and a parent at the same time. I stopped having to demand to be respected.

In zen, I have heard it refered to as faling to pieces without falling apart. In fight club, they called it controlled demolition. You can enter your own name here _______. [you see, bonus techer credits for intereractive lessons. Its all the rage.].

"First you have to give up, first you have to *know*... not fear... *know*...
that someday you're gonna die. "

Look, pieces are fine. But they are you. You will have to find them, polish them, and reorder them in a better, more stable way. Falling apart it just letting yourself wallow in self pity. It is seductive, because being down is secure. Assuming failure means you never have to be dissapointed. There are no risks to take, no judgments to be passed, no marks to miss. It is disempowering and it is not living.

well, I guess thats my point. even though you are sick right now, you cannot fall apart. You may feel entitled. You may feel like you are fighting more than you ever asked for and more than anyone you know is dealing with. Well, good for you. Let me tell you, such is life. It is what you have, and it means nothing more than that until you decide what to do with it. Take charge. Arrange your helath givers, and make decisions. When you need to be alone, ackonledge it and ask for the distance, dont slink off. Learn to laugh at yourself. It IS funny.

You will interact with people. being sorry is not good enough. If you love them, you will have to earn thier respect. You will do this by acting in ways in which you are proud. You must, and will , first take care of yourself, of what you need, and you will acknowlege your abilities, and then, you will earn their respect by doing what you do well. If you cannot be intamate, dont. Dont involve someone esle until you have sorted yourself out. If you cannot be consitent, dont tell them you can. If you dont trust your emotions, dont ask anyone else to. People respect people of lesser ability everyday when they realize that that person respects themselves enough not to try to do more than they can. They may reach, but they are not foolhardy.

And finally it is up to you to build something from these parts. You are not Sz. That diagnosis is meaningless once you have found an avenue of recovery. You are the sum of your actions. Not the outcomes of your actions, but the process behind them. Sz, should you be diagnosed, or OCD, diabetes, cancer, etc etc, these are facts. They are part of your body, but they are not you. You have control over one thing: the ability to make good decisions. This requires honesty, research, careful thought, planning, and courage. You cannot control the outcome. Let it go. I know you want to be well, but it might be a long time. It is the process of your recovery, and not the recovery itself, which you can influence.

And that process, and not the recovery, and not the illness, is who you are.