too much
Strangley I think I have too mucht to write to write.
I dont know wher to start. its like trying to take a bite of a basketball. I just keep passing over it waiting for inspiration.
So, I wont.
I am at 13 b9s. I have been under a darkness for sometime and I wonder if that is related. I suspect not. I suspect that the cause is that I am not wincing and running from the current dark as I have for the other 29 years since I remember them begginging, filling the cold with travel, company, drama, adentures, impossible [hycial pursuits, deprivation, and a million other spikes of narcotic avoidance that numb the pain and pass it until tomorrow.
This time I stare unblinking into the darkness and confront the fears and quiets within it. This time I notice and record the feelings that come up. The desire to run, to abandon, to ignore, to run screaming from the banality of it.
Somehow this is connected with my healing. This sense of feeling again. Of letting go of the illness as an excuse to keep from trying, or hurting, or taking chances. its time to stand and confront that fear of abandonment, and that mental illness or the being of me, will inevitably lead to being abandoned.
The body heals, and the mind heals, but seldom on the same schedule. It sea saws like this for me. Today, the mind and I have some time to spend together.
I dont know wher to start. its like trying to take a bite of a basketball. I just keep passing over it waiting for inspiration.
So, I wont.
I am at 13 b9s. I have been under a darkness for sometime and I wonder if that is related. I suspect not. I suspect that the cause is that I am not wincing and running from the current dark as I have for the other 29 years since I remember them begginging, filling the cold with travel, company, drama, adentures, impossible [hycial pursuits, deprivation, and a million other spikes of narcotic avoidance that numb the pain and pass it until tomorrow.
This time I stare unblinking into the darkness and confront the fears and quiets within it. This time I notice and record the feelings that come up. The desire to run, to abandon, to ignore, to run screaming from the banality of it.
Somehow this is connected with my healing. This sense of feeling again. Of letting go of the illness as an excuse to keep from trying, or hurting, or taking chances. its time to stand and confront that fear of abandonment, and that mental illness or the being of me, will inevitably lead to being abandoned.
The body heals, and the mind heals, but seldom on the same schedule. It sea saws like this for me. Today, the mind and I have some time to spend together.
posted by warnerk | 1:15 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home