Thanks giving.

My father, my hero, just confided in me that if he had it to do over again, he would not have gone into the Navy. He told me that he is thinking about law school. Its amazing what people will share when they sense that you love yourself and that you can be trusted with thier love.

I have forgiven myself for being ill. I have reconnected with that love aand pride in just being me. Its like growing wings. It IS growing wings. I am growing wings. I failed the bar exam...and it did nothing more that bruise the ego for a few days. Bruises heal. I am the only judge of how I did (besides of course the official scorers), and I did fine for me.

These days I sometimes feel like I am in the embrace of the world. Protected and loved. Its weird and perfect. It slows the choas in the mind. Like waking up and realizing that all those ghosts were you and that they were only waiting for you to love them back. Like me, they just wanted to know they were ok as they are. And I am.

If anything, the calm initially makes me feel more lonley for company, not to heal, but to share in the world and grasp a hand tight adn share a sunset. So. I take my own hand, and the tears squeezze out in the enormity and beauty of it all, and I wait for the universe to open the next door and close this one. Open. Close. Like a peep show for the soul. If you try to hold on, its maddening. But just enjoy and ahhhhhhhhh.

Today I held my parents so close to my heart, it felt like heaven. There was no film or guaze of self reproach or wishing things were different than they are. It was normal and perfect and I am thankful. I dont think either of you will ever know I write this, and thats fine. I love you. And I bask in your love. My life is all the blog you will ever need.

Today my friend M was naked and pure and amazing to me. Her love and support were clear and diluted from 6k miles away. She trusts me now because I trust me. I can feel her love because I love me. I love you M. You are my kind of nutcase.

I wonder if I was going to live my whole life trying to prove myself to other people, waiting for them to feel good about me. Maybe, but I have a feeling no. I have a certain strong pull to health. Like the swallows to Capistrano. Still, the amount of time I mucked around, I learned this lesson deep and well. No one can heal you. You heal yourself, even though that means trusting others. if your heart is closed, nothing matters. If your heart is open...its like a buffet.

I am going to learn to sing this:

Your voice is adrift I can’t expect it
To sing to me
As if I was the only one
I’ll follow you
A leaf that’s following the sun
When will my weight be too much for you?
When will these ideas really be my own?
This moment keeps on moving
We were never meant to hold on

Well this was a scene worth waking up for
When I woke up
You planted me in my own pot
I don’t know why
But somehow it just feels so wrong

When you set I will be lonely
When you rise again I'll have become the sun
And I will shine down upon you
As if u were the only one

Your voice is your own I can’t protect it
You’ll have to sing
A verse no one has ever known
Don’t be afraid
Because no one ever sings alone
You weight will never be too much for me
Your ideas have always be your own
This moment keeps on moving
We were never meant to hold on


Happy Thanksgiving everyone.