Pills
I take pills. At one point I counted 47 separate pills a day. It might be more now. It might be fewer. Still, it is a lot.
I take my first clutch full in the morning, when I get to the office. The niacinimide always dehydrates me so badly that I need water on hand in large quantities to prevent a headache. I take them on an empty stomach. An hour or so later, I take my folate. Again, on an empty stomach. I do not need that much water for them. I take my second round of folate in the early evening late afternoon. They seem to perk me up. I take the second large clutch before dinner. Empty stomach again. I take MTP before bed.
As I said, that is a lot of pills. When I travel, I would say a 10th of my total luggage space is reserved for pills. Keeping them all separate is hard. Why do so many manufacturers make them all white, and the same size? I used to put them into separate containers. Now, I can mix them somewhat. I can differentiate zinc and niacinamide by smell. Oh boy, that is precisely the skill I thought I would be working on at 31.
When W is around, I will always ask if she wants to join me. It makes me feel less weird, and more as if I were offering a stick of gum. I know she will never say yes, although sometimes she looks as if she thinks that is what I want. They would likely make her feel really terrible, and again, its just whistling past the graveyard anyway. I used to take them in secret, going to the rest room at a restaurant, hiding them in pockets, slipping them in when conversation is turned elsewhere. People saw. They must have. A flash of a hand and me swallowing. I was ashamed a bit.
Now, I take them in the open. I put them on the table. The greatest place to hide something is in plain site. I am sick of being embarrassed. If someone wants to ask me about them, I welcome it. No one ever does. People are like that. They would rather be polite and never know.
What do these pills mean about me? I rely on them for my sanity. That is a hard truth. It is possible I could skip a day, but not two. I have skipped two before with disastrous results. Pfeiffer speculated that many people could go without them after being symptom free for 5 years. I will cross that particular bridge when I come to it. I hate the thought that I need them. But I do. I always identified myself as someone who was independent, tough and adaptable. I didn't need much, a little sleep, water, and some food. When I was very sick I felt like I needed a lot. Silence, quiet, meditation. Clean water in abundant quantities. Pills, digestive enzymes, antifungals. Whole foods. Meat. Vegetables. No alcohol. I am not so fragile anymore. Someone will likely think that it was mental, a psychosomatic reaction. Look at the definition of psychosomatic. It is the effect of the mind on t he body, and the body on the mind. Regardless, I hardly see a difference any more. My brain is an organ like my spleen, heart or liver. It secretes thoughts, as my gall bladder secretes bile and my pancreas secretes insulin. My brain organ had problems. It was imbalances. I corrected that. My other organs also seemed to have problems. I corrected those too.
My pills. I am always taking them. I can probably swallow 20 at a time without water. The questions is, what are they to me. Are they me?
I take my first clutch full in the morning, when I get to the office. The niacinimide always dehydrates me so badly that I need water on hand in large quantities to prevent a headache. I take them on an empty stomach. An hour or so later, I take my folate. Again, on an empty stomach. I do not need that much water for them. I take my second round of folate in the early evening late afternoon. They seem to perk me up. I take the second large clutch before dinner. Empty stomach again. I take MTP before bed.
As I said, that is a lot of pills. When I travel, I would say a 10th of my total luggage space is reserved for pills. Keeping them all separate is hard. Why do so many manufacturers make them all white, and the same size? I used to put them into separate containers. Now, I can mix them somewhat. I can differentiate zinc and niacinamide by smell. Oh boy, that is precisely the skill I thought I would be working on at 31.
When W is around, I will always ask if she wants to join me. It makes me feel less weird, and more as if I were offering a stick of gum. I know she will never say yes, although sometimes she looks as if she thinks that is what I want. They would likely make her feel really terrible, and again, its just whistling past the graveyard anyway. I used to take them in secret, going to the rest room at a restaurant, hiding them in pockets, slipping them in when conversation is turned elsewhere. People saw. They must have. A flash of a hand and me swallowing. I was ashamed a bit.
Now, I take them in the open. I put them on the table. The greatest place to hide something is in plain site. I am sick of being embarrassed. If someone wants to ask me about them, I welcome it. No one ever does. People are like that. They would rather be polite and never know.
What do these pills mean about me? I rely on them for my sanity. That is a hard truth. It is possible I could skip a day, but not two. I have skipped two before with disastrous results. Pfeiffer speculated that many people could go without them after being symptom free for 5 years. I will cross that particular bridge when I come to it. I hate the thought that I need them. But I do. I always identified myself as someone who was independent, tough and adaptable. I didn't need much, a little sleep, water, and some food. When I was very sick I felt like I needed a lot. Silence, quiet, meditation. Clean water in abundant quantities. Pills, digestive enzymes, antifungals. Whole foods. Meat. Vegetables. No alcohol. I am not so fragile anymore. Someone will likely think that it was mental, a psychosomatic reaction. Look at the definition of psychosomatic. It is the effect of the mind on t he body, and the body on the mind. Regardless, I hardly see a difference any more. My brain is an organ like my spleen, heart or liver. It secretes thoughts, as my gall bladder secretes bile and my pancreas secretes insulin. My brain organ had problems. It was imbalances. I corrected that. My other organs also seemed to have problems. I corrected those too.
My pills. I am always taking them. I can probably swallow 20 at a time without water. The questions is, what are they to me. Are they me?
posted by warnerk | 5:13 PM
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