Following up

Its settling down now but I want to get this out before it fades away and life moves on as it is wont to do.

The fragility of yesterday sticks with me. The notion that my ability to function, to care for myself, to interacts and appreciate my environment is contingent upon a mere bottle of pills. That it can fade so quickly. Pass so fast. I am a lost suitcase away from insanity.

And hwat happens to me as a I age? As tomorrow comes and goes? Conventional medicine says that what is working will not, in fact work. No one will tell me that it will continue to work, or that I am not doing myself harm.

The pain and the frustration comes from expectations. Somehow I think it is distinctly unfair that while my peers were in their 20s, finding new ways to poison themselves, I was fighting everyday to make it to night. I am 34 now, and people are starting to experience the traitorous natures of their bodies, seeing infirmities and injuries that do not heal. Facing death and limited function. Well, join the fucking club amigos. That's how my life has been for 11 years. Broken while everyone was growing. On the sidelines while everyone was exploring. Contemplating death while you were contemplating life. So fuck you and fuck this. The reality is that I will feel better, one day, but it will be as the dark waves close over me and I sink into darkness for good. Thats the next day I will not be fragile and waiting to fall apart.

I remember CT, who died at 18. Brave and beautiful in giving in finally to Leukemia and 5 brain tumors, but just as dead. Was she angry? I dont know. Last time I saw her she could not have answered even if she was.

So there I was, lost and alone. Feeling cheated and broken, on the thin ice of my own sanity, hearing the creaking beneath me while now being asked to shoulder the burden of fatherhood. Its not a choice I would have made, and I wonder how much weight this ice can hold, and if it is just me who will go beneath the waters, or will I take others down with me?

I feel better now, just shaken. Just unsure. Just cheated and frail and false.

(as an aside, wow, my writing is much better when I am morbid. No wonder why depressives are so prolific)

GB

Fragile

I am particularly shaken today,

Yesterday I met with the PTC. For the blood draw I was instructed to forgoe my supplements for 24 hours. Within 24 hours, I was quite mentally ill again. My mind raced so that I was confused and disoriented all day. Driving was like a strobe light, with snapshots of reality filtering in, and pain and bewilderment predominant. The paranoia started to creep back in, and it was hard to trust or talk with people. My metabolism shut down, and my hands were cold. The monologue in my head got deafening and abusive.

So, I am 24 hours from almost unable to care for myself. Only these pills are protecting me. And I dont know for how long or how well. I am shaken, badly, but living on.

weeeeeeeeeee

No pills. Its been 24 hours. I have a PTC appointment in a few hours. Wow. Maybe its my imagination but my mind is screamingly fast. Yikes. Cannot really get off the couch, or slow down. Its scary. I am totally lost. Maybe its something else, but wow, am I ever stuck in this little hole, little hole, little hole.

More later after they take my urine and blood.

Yee haw, the glee of being ill!

Michael

Scared again

I am scared again. The one thing not resolving in my illness has been this brain flat tire that happens every day, and every 2 -3 hours if I dont eat a bit of protein. And I think its getting worse. I dont have health insurance- I am at a start up- and even if I did, I know its been tested and tested and no doctor finds anything. This has been for over a decade.

How does it feel? Terrible. You feel confused, disoriented, irritable, unable to think well or clearly, overly emotional, panicked, foggy, cannot remember names or people or other facts or datum that are normally right there.

The problem is these symptoms used to kick in 2 hours after waking and again every 3 hours if I dont eat a little protein (yes I epxeriemented with fruit, nuts, etc). If I wait more than 30 minutes after the symptoms start, I am done for the day. I have had blood work done while the symptoms were coming on that revelaed that my blood sugar is, in fact, stable the whole time. But lately, they have already started when I wake up. gulp. I dont know whats going on, because no one knows whats going on. The only theory that I have ever heard that makes sense is that the stress and fear and 10k calorie days while playing water polo in college for 5 years resulted in my brain becoming insulin insensitive, and now it takes a bolt of sugar in the evenings, to get my brain enough sugar for the next day. (thus the one big meal a day). If the meal is not cramming enough ove rthe blood brain barrier, then I am reeeeeeaaaaalllly fucked.

Yikes.

Update and Nutrition

Its been nine months of wellness. Last depression nearly 5 months ago. Still have symptoms, but man are they reduced.

Dr. L increased the amount of P5P I take which had the effect of increasing my stress tolerance considerably. I can now climb, or surf, hard, and function the next day.

I have my annual follow up next week. Wow, it is here already? Fewer things to addres, but after all the years, my digestion is still poor. Thats probably number one. then stamina.

Many of you have recently asked me where I get my nutritional information.

www.westonaprice.org. Its the best. The Weston A Price Foundation does the best work on nutrition that I know of, and I have read most of it.

Ok, gotta run. Its been a long day.