14...15.
All done. Bar exam behind me. A wretched experience but got me thinking last night, and I pontificated at length upon this to L.
Maybe it was just what I needed.
Ever notice thats what we get? L was sharing her dismay, one I used to have, at the waste that is all the lives and years and minds and hearts worn down in law offices. The fact is, law, even corporate law, is a good fit for some people, but for most, including everyone I talked to at the bar, even laterals who haave been practicing for years, its not enough.
But it is enough.
Look at who we are. People who do to law school, they are achievers. Thats part of their identity. In many ways it is why we suceed, because to do otherwise conflicts with our understanding of self. Its why failure is so dirorienting. But Type A, B, the bright, the living, most of the poeple I know who got into law share that trait of needing an outside indicator of success. Not always other people, its just that we wanted to be happy, we graduated from undersgrad and the world asked us "now what?" We had no answer. We thrased about, some of us into work and more education, but in the end, we wanted another rung on the ladder, because sure from there, we would find happiness.
So we climbed and we went to law firms, and we got money and prestige adn responsibility and everything we thought we wanted. But we were not happy. Not unhappy, not completely miserable, but not...it just wasnt what we thought. But then we started trying to fit ourselves in. Trying to justify our position. Started compsimising our inherent understanding of happiness and completeness. We do this for years and year, and then, one day, we have had enoug. Its something we all understand before we ever darken a hallways, but we got to the firm, because we needed to realize that lesson. So day after day we were forced to confront that one truth- that the office is nothing. Its not happiness. Its an office. SOmeone elses, and that no award, no achievement meant shit. and that all that sucess anf money and responsiblity, it led us into contentment, but not happiness.
It takes years. took me 5. But we all get there. we all realize that at this hieght, there is no more up, only sideways. So we leave and we have finally internalized that lesson and will never make it again.
(of course, for a sliver of people, its a fit)
Anyway, the bar was like that. Teaches hard lessons by unrelentingly forcing you to revisit things. Illness was like that. True change only comes through comes through conflict, adversity and time. Beyond that, its merely a mental excersize and we can understand compassion, understand confidence, understand accepting, but not realize any of it.
The benefit of living. You get beat up, if you are lucky, and you learn. If everything goes your way...you have precious few oppurtuninities to learn. Thats why I prefer, the blood, the road, being hungry, being scared, being tired, being overwhelmed and then coming through. So, thanks Bar. And thanks all.
I have a clear day. Number 15.
I am off. Surf is at 7.5 feet and we have offshores.
Maybe it was just what I needed.
Ever notice thats what we get? L was sharing her dismay, one I used to have, at the waste that is all the lives and years and minds and hearts worn down in law offices. The fact is, law, even corporate law, is a good fit for some people, but for most, including everyone I talked to at the bar, even laterals who haave been practicing for years, its not enough.
But it is enough.
Look at who we are. People who do to law school, they are achievers. Thats part of their identity. In many ways it is why we suceed, because to do otherwise conflicts with our understanding of self. Its why failure is so dirorienting. But Type A, B, the bright, the living, most of the poeple I know who got into law share that trait of needing an outside indicator of success. Not always other people, its just that we wanted to be happy, we graduated from undersgrad and the world asked us "now what?" We had no answer. We thrased about, some of us into work and more education, but in the end, we wanted another rung on the ladder, because sure from there, we would find happiness.
So we climbed and we went to law firms, and we got money and prestige adn responsibility and everything we thought we wanted. But we were not happy. Not unhappy, not completely miserable, but not...it just wasnt what we thought. But then we started trying to fit ourselves in. Trying to justify our position. Started compsimising our inherent understanding of happiness and completeness. We do this for years and year, and then, one day, we have had enoug. Its something we all understand before we ever darken a hallways, but we got to the firm, because we needed to realize that lesson. So day after day we were forced to confront that one truth- that the office is nothing. Its not happiness. Its an office. SOmeone elses, and that no award, no achievement meant shit. and that all that sucess anf money and responsiblity, it led us into contentment, but not happiness.
It takes years. took me 5. But we all get there. we all realize that at this hieght, there is no more up, only sideways. So we leave and we have finally internalized that lesson and will never make it again.
(of course, for a sliver of people, its a fit)
Anyway, the bar was like that. Teaches hard lessons by unrelentingly forcing you to revisit things. Illness was like that. True change only comes through comes through conflict, adversity and time. Beyond that, its merely a mental excersize and we can understand compassion, understand confidence, understand accepting, but not realize any of it.
The benefit of living. You get beat up, if you are lucky, and you learn. If everything goes your way...you have precious few oppurtuninities to learn. Thats why I prefer, the blood, the road, being hungry, being scared, being tired, being overwhelmed and then coming through. So, thanks Bar. And thanks all.
I have a clear day. Number 15.
I am off. Surf is at 7.5 feet and we have offshores.
posted by warnerk | 1:38 PM
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