And so it goes

I have five minutes to write 30 minutes of content. This is going to get ugly. So....I communicated my frustration to Mensah Medical with the condition I previously described. Let's call it- rest hangover. To summarize, following decent rest (good sleep and no exercise the day before), the next day I experience a very toxic feeling reaction, akin to a flue, heart palpitations, bloated lymph nodes, runny nose, pounding headache, stuffy head, ache, cold, lassitude, irritation. I was pleasantly surprised to get a call back from Dr. Bowman and we discussed the phenomena. Her suggestion was that the niacinimide that was previously sufficient, was now excessive and leading to these symptoms. Her suggestion was to decrease the dose, and skip taking the niacinimide at night. So I did. In fact, all I did was decrease the dose from 1G morning, 1G at night, to 1G morning, 500mg at night. So first- I think she may have been right. No hangover, no flushing, no bloat, no headache, etc. But, the downside is...I seem to really still need the niacinimide. I felt the difference even last night. Before bed. a weird speeding up of things. By this morning, I was for sure on: Its crushing. Like I can't even see though my sight is fine. Its actually the experience of having no idea what I am seeing. Its pretty and distracting, but incomprehensible. My usually jumbled mind just accelerates, breaking off thoughts half way through and firing new ones in there so that I cannot make sense of the narration or narrative. Its confusing, bewildering, I really have no idea what people are saying. I feel lost and disoriented in the world. I find myself places and cannot recall how I got there or why. Somehow my body just navigates throughout the day and I eat food and make it to work. I biked in. I have some memories of that. But wound and tattered. With supreme effort, feeling like a physical effort, I can focus enough to navigate my day. I got into the office at 1pm. I could not figure out how to get here earlier. And it hurts in a weird way. The panic of not knowing what is going on around you I think. I feel so tired too, but actually quite physically strong. I think it might just be the animal reaction to stay where you are when you are in danger- and I read my surroundings as danger. I lay about on days like this. It was like the old times. Just read books that I don't really understand. They soothe me and hours pass and my life trickles by and I am slightly glad to see it going. Wow, and the difference is significant. I just took a b-3- 500mg, and its like putting on glasses. Funny, now I would have a hard time writing the preceding sentences. Its like most of the illness, impossible to recapture. I am glad I hacked out these posts over the years. I don't know why. But it seems somehow honoring of the illness and the experience of the multitudes that suffer without a voice.

Inflammation

So let's believe that Mensah medical is right...that my "Exercise Intolerance", is in fact a malfunctioning inflammation pathway...how do we correct that?

They have me increasing my intake or Borage Oil. Why does that help? Why do I capitalize things that don't need to be?

Other tips I found:

1. The primary pathway of inflammation is built primarily from Omega 3 fatty acids. Taking supplements rich in these natural nutrients assists the body in having a more profound primary inflammatory response and at the same time, it minimizes the chronic inflammation responsible for pain and suffering.

2. Taking supplements rich in plant enzymes such as bromelain assist the body as catalysts for the repair of our cells. Taken on an empty stomach, these enzymes can break down the byproducts of inflammation thus clearing the way for cellular repair. (Bromelain Plus 6 - 250-500mg 3x a day)

3. Efficient inflammation depends on a healthy immune system. 70% of the cells of our immune system are found in the gastrointestinal tract. These cells are fed by short chain fatty acids (that do not exist in nature), which are the result of fermentation of complex carbohydrates -- whole grains, vegetables, beans -- by the friendly bacteria (probiotics) of our intestinal lining. So it is essential for anyone suffering with inflammation to take an ample supply of probiotics on a daily basis.

4. Consuming a diet low in Omega 6-rich foods is also helpful when looking to relieve inflammation. Although Omega 6 fatty acids are essential in any diet because they are the building blocks of chronic inflammation (which helps the body protect itself when it can't repair itself efficiently), it will cause the immune system to bypass primary inflammation and default into chronic inflammation, when consumed in excess.

5. Since we require water to serve as the vehicle for all chemical reactions in the body as well as to flush out toxins, proper hydration becomes paramount (the daily requirement varies from individual to individual, consult your physician for what's right for you). I am not talking about dehydrating liquids such as caffeinated beverages and alcohol, but rather, clean, fresh water preferably filtered, distilled, or from a reliable spring.

Updates

So there is this thing that is happening. Every day I get good sleep, and that happens irregularly due to my daughter, I feel hungover the next day and my brain doesn't much work well. In fact, it feels flu-like. Glands swollen, head full, feeling achy and tired.

It seems to bottom out at 2pm with wicked headaches, and get better...well, it eases, but doesn't disappear. Water seems to help. But with the headaches is this serious fogginess. I cannot find words, and I lack a lot of energy. focus is all gone.

It also causes sporadic tachycardia.

And pimples. On my back and face. And I don't get pimples. I didn't get pimples when I was a teenager...this is weird.

Why the F*&% would this happen?

New PTC- Mensah

The PTC closed down. Then re-opened. In the interrim, severla of its doctors spun off and reached out to patients. I met with Mensah medical, Dr.s Bowman and Mensah and was impressed.

You would think that after 7 years of workin within a healing paradigm, you have heard everything under the sun. You would think that after asking the same question for 5 years and not receiving an answer, that it was unanswerable. I got answers today that made sense and floored me with their insight.

Referring to what Dr. Lewis once called an excersize intolerance, or stress intolerance, of which I have written in detail, the observation made today was that it was all related to an inflammatory process gone awry.

the idea is that histapenics have very little histamine, and that intense excersize cases inflammation by releasing histamine. The release creates a jolt in conditions, resulting in much better functioning temporarily, but then depletes the already low stores. In the days it takes to rebuild, my system does not recover and I feel anxious, unfocused, insomnia, irritable, disoriented, swelling, etc. I.e. overtrained. Its takes days to rebuild histamine stores.

We talked about the importance of good omega 6s and why that can decrease inflammation by causing the right kind of inflammation to tell the body to produce more histamine.

We talked about oxalates- but I need to run that down.

More later.

Holy SH*t, its working

I have to share the excitement here.

As loyal readers, what few I have left, may recall, my ability to recover from physical exertion, or any stress, is extremely limited. Its better, a walk up stairs used to require a rest half way, but it is exceeded by all but a brisk walk.

I have been treating it aggressively. I quit the gym, stopped surfing unless it was great, worked on relaxing meditations daily and tinkered with B-5, p5p increases, Glutamine (surprisingly effective), GABA, adaptogens and adrenal extract (hormones removed). Its been rocky but over the past year, getting better. At one point all the supplements were so stimulating (which is common in people with flat lined adrenal glands), that I would not sleep for days. Well, that is resolved, somewhat, and today I can proudly announce that I surfed for three days in a row, an hour or more each time, and today and functioning fine. This is unheard of. Oh, I can feel it burning in my system and crying for action, but its manageable. I can be productive on this day and that has been over a decade that I was unable to do this.

Ho-fucking-Rah.

Back live

After nearly a year off line, I am going to open this blog up again.

Why was it down? Mind your own business. Oh wait, this is a blog, where I make my business your business for the self gratifying experience of maybe someone caring.

Well, frankly, I became a father, and until issues of child care were worked out, I was not really in the mood to be sharing intimate details on line.

What's been going on. Well, to tell the truth even before I went radio silent, I was not posting much. Looking back, I think, like my journalling, I find a greater desire to write when I am away from home, and my healing journey was bringing me back to home and the stories seemed less foreign, less frightening, less important.

These days, my interest has spiralled back to the events preceeding my illness in April of 1998 and viewing recovery from that point of view. It might be impossible, but would definitely be inaccurate, to explain how I reached the conclusion that the essence of my illness for so many years was a result of over-training/exhaustion.

But I will try. Why? Because you have paid your dimes and now you get to see the monkey dance.

As the symptoms have faced, one thing I have noticed is how they often fade in order, those arriving latest fading first, those arriving first, staying longest and being most resilient to my efforts to coax them into sleep.

Take for instance muscle twitches, which were early on the scene, dissapeared in about 2006, but made a reemergence as I am healing.

Starting about 9 or 10 months ago, I, a girl I was dating and who is still a wonderful presence in my life, started giving me acupuncture treatments. I was resistant at first, more from an exhaustion with new healing modalities. For the unwell, there exists a morass of options, well meaning most, if not all, but ultimate of questionable and varying degrees of efficacy. Dedicating time, energetic and financial resources to each is draining and counterproductive, yet there exists little guide between those that work, and those that don't as most refuse to be verified, and shriek indignantly when you ask them to verify their effectiveness. Accupuncture is, of course, one of the more widely accepted holistic healing modalities, but yet, even within that narrow group, there are so many as to swallow you whole. Acupressure, homeopathy, body work, yoga, pilates, vegetarianism, blood type diets, bio-metrics, Alexander, energy tapping, Ayurveda, Orthomolecularism, raw food diets, cleansing, candida treatments, fasts, rolfing, sauna treatments, etc etc etc. Its exhausting. So I have always been hesitant to try a new one, as the benefits are generally seen in committing oneself wholeley to the program, but requiring a new vencular, a new perspective and a course of study. And there is also the desire to avoid the crushing emotional defeat of another hope and another failure to resolve anything.

But I was gentle and never pushed it at all, just quietly and kindly made the option available. I turned her down for months, but eventually found the resources to be curious.

So I stuck me with her pins and took my wrist and whispered strange things about water, wood, kidneys and yin and such. And it would seem like so much hokum except that it was repeatable and predictable. "This will make you feel X". and it did. "This should help with Y", and it did. So I was intrigued and more so as we went on and in the greatest compliment I know how to give, I stopped overlooking what she was doing and just let her help.

And help it did. If nothing else, I looked into the gaping maw of my own exhaustion. Out of respect for her work, I quit the gym in February. I have been lifting weights, without surcease, since I was 14 years old. Canceling, alright freezing, my membership was a painful step of faith. I also stopped climbing and resolved to surf when there was surf and not when there was not.

And I felt better. It took three days post exercise to feel that way, and frankly, day 2 was rough, but I did feel calm.

The more I stretched that, the more interesting it got. On day 4, I felt depressed. Leaden legs and sad head. I felt heavy and dark. But the depression was not unpleasant. It was like a friend holding my shoulder down when I was trying to get up on the 8 count to take another beating. Throwing in the towel for the fighter to dumb to stay down.

And it went on like that.

The more I rested, the more rest I needed. Weird. I found myself sleeping, routinely, 9, 10, 11 even a couple of times 12 hours. I went with it. I am going with it, when I can. It makes work hard, but the thought of work right now even grates on my nerves and causes me a painful jolt. I just want to rest, and to sleep and to be administered to.

I had and have fantasies of being in a hospital, in the country, with endless white sheets and fiction books and movies to watch and sleeping 16 hours a day. And I never felt this tired before, until I realized it has been there since college, deep in my cells, ignored and repressed.

And being a father scares me, terrifies me, that I haven't the gas to go forward, that the exhaustion that comes with parenthood will swallow me whole when the mother goes back to work and I am up at 6am every day with C. That I cannot heal there, that C will be faced with a father forever one step away from health, battling depression and weird symptoms, sucking her into his self centered death spiral. I want to be well so I can be out of the way for her, so she can be in the spotlight. As little girls should be. So I am not selfish and paranoid and instead, you know, Ward Fucking Cleaver or some such.


The long story short is that I am finding significant traction, anecdotally, medically and personally, in viewing this illness as overtraining, and ultimate stress machinery failure. Sometimes healing is a matter of finding a story that is consistent with the symptoms, but its important to remember that is is just a story, and the story itself can become and illness if you forget that and are unwilling or unable to throw it out when it no longer serves its purpose, or to turn it over and kick the tires anew when it has lost its power to guide.

the unraveling of the illness has re-traced the stress reactions that lead to the illness in the first place.

This is all I gots for now.

Still out here and Copper

There is actually a lot to relate, but GOd knows I am not planning to ge tot it in this episode. Perhaps I will limit it to this.

Last visit to the PTC, the recommendation came back to add copper to my supplement regime. Add it. Add Copper, the great evil, the destroyer of neurotransmitters, scourge of zinc and calm mind. ADD COPPER? ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? Well, ok, so I did some research, starting, as always, with what copper deficiency looks like.

So this is what I learned:

* Not enough oxygen in the cells
* Lowered levels of HDL cholesterol
* Skin problems
* Swollen ankles
* Anemia
* Low copper causes the cells to suffocate and lack oxygen
* Low copper levels linked to low enkephalins produced in the brain.

Psychological Symptoms of Low Copper:

* Auditory hallucinations
* Depression
* Binge eaters have been found to have lower levels.


So far, pretty unspecific and vague. Except the low enkephalins. Ah, yes, the dreaded enkephalins. No, I did not know what that was either:

"Enkephalins are neurotransmitters which work to suppress pain. The goal of pain suppression is to allow the body to cope with pain while remaining focused, rather than permitting the perception of pain to flood the system and cause panic, distress, or confusion. These neurotransmitters are polypeptides, meaning that they consist of very short chains of amino acids."

That is interesting since I have noticed a remarkable low tolerance to pain. This can be attributed to any number of sources, depending on your health regime and bias. It could be that I actually feel more pain, it could be that the increase in other neurotramitters creates a greater sensitivity to body signals, it could be that I am IN more pain, it could be that because of inconsistent care giving as a child, I am forever mired in infantility unable to self soothe or moderate pain. It could be that psychologically I cling to pain because it is part of my identity, part of a defense mechanism to trying to hard and having to confront failure, and/or an attempt to gain the attention of others. Being sick is such hard work.

Copper deficiency: from another source:

"Fatigue, paleness, skin sores, edema, slowed growth, hair loss, anorexia, diarrhea and dermatitis can be symptoms of copper insufficiency.

The reduced red blood cell function and shortened red cell life span found with copper deficiency can influence energy levels and cause weakness and labored respiration from decreased oxygen delivery. Low copper levels may also affect collagen formation and thus tissue health and healing. Reduced thyroid function, cardiovascular disease, increased cholesterol, uric acid and blood pressure, impaired glucose tolerance, thrombosis, oxidative damage, skeletal defects related to bone demineralization and poor nerve conductivity (copper deficiency adversely affects electrocardiograms) - including irregular heart rhythms - can all result from copper depletion."

Well, my respiration is not labored, nor do I have a hard time with physical work. Its recovering from it that is the killer.

BUT, I have always had a wonky EKG. My heart flutters, and has been fluttering a lot lately. Usually after hard work, or in the evenings. Sometimes it just stops for a while. A much needed break I guess. Is this copper related?

Well, I am not yet taking it, but I am about to begin a trial. Thats it for now. Not all that interesting really, but you gots to start somewheres.